Things people say to "help"

in reply to @dougkeon We must have the same relatives. I spent a better part of my career with Nationwide Insurance, and when they came out with that ad campaign, "Life Comes at You Fast", it became my sister's response to nearly everything under the sun. I kept telling her she needed to be a little more original, even if the statement is true. My sister also uses that line you mentioned, and I understand how you feel when this is said, even if the person saying it "might" care about what you are going through, but is unable to find the "best" way to encourage or support you. Or, "it could always be worse." Of course it could! Or, "it is God's will." A friendship of mine ended as a result of that one because I asked her if it was really God's will that so many children are killed each year as a result of mass shootings. I heard someone say to me recently, "I'm just sayin." Or, "it's all good." Many just don't "get it" and when they try to express concern or empathy, they end up sticking their foot in their mouth, just like when the woman who said it "is God's will" told me I looked like a Holocaust victim and needed to wear make up so I would not look so gaunt.

A few days ago I ran into a friend/neighbor I had not seen in a couple of months, and she looked at me and said, "there is something about you that looks different." I mentioned I had just gotten new glasses, but she said that wasn't it, so I said, "I am wearing eye makeup for a change." Her response, "oh that is just great, keep wearing it as it makes you look SO MUCH BETTER." Go figure. Admittedly, I did look good, but I was left with the feeling that she was judging me in some fashion. Afterall, without the eye make up, one can see the dark circles around my eyes and perhaps how "dead" I feel sometimes. Whatever. If I have learned anything about being chronically ill is that the majority of people, at least in my community, have zero empathy or compassion, And as another member on this platform recently pointed out to me, we have to have empathy for those who do not. Many in my opinion do not deserve my empathy or sense of humanity, but I still find a way to express it because doing so reminds me that I have retained my own sense of character, while they have not.

I am sorry about what you are going through and wish I had a magic wand to wave your way.

My favorite way to deal with these comments is to remain silent or ask the person for some clarification. Ask what it is "that is." Recently someone asked me why I was so thin and what was wrong with me, and I astonished them by responding, "I am not even going to dignify that with an answer." Of course, the other person was speechless as I walked merrily away, thinking to myself, "yeah, right."

It is a terrible thing when someone just does not know what to say, says something like, "it is what it is" leaving you with the feeling that everything going on in your life has just been invalidated
Maybe you could try, "well, until we try to change it." Or, "it is though." Or, ask for some clarification, which might put your brother in law on the spot, and require him to "think" about what he just said.

Well, this is a timely topic with all of the holiday gatherings this time of year...

I think some people can be pretty heartless, especially when they can't SEE what is wrong. With people like this, which includes most of my family, there is no response that will "wake" them up. For me, I have given up on trying to respond.

I think some people just don't know what to say, so they repeat phrases like "It is what it is," even though the phrases don't really fit the situation. I guess we can look for other clues (tone, body language, eye contact) to see if that person is truly sympathetic but doesn't know what to say, and then we can decide how to respond.

I am really interested in what members have to say here! Thanks for bringing up the topic.

I understand. My friend used to say, "This too shall pass!" People are so cruel. Stay with us on here. We understand. Some day your friend will too when he/she suffers.

This is a great topic to discuss. I remember a time when I lost a lot of weight (and I’m thin to begin with) some people said “oh, you look great. It looks like you’ve lost weight!”. Yeah, I lost weight because I was very depressed and anxious. It’s a painful time in my life to even think about now - two of the administrators at the university where I worked were bullying and harassing me. I even hired an attorney who advised me that they weren’t violating any employment laws. One of my friends knew, though, that something was “wrong” and was very supportive. She knew that losing that much weight was not a good thing for me and got me out of the house to do fun things together.

Why do we worry about saying something that we think might hurt the person’s feelings after they’ve already said something hurtful to us? I wish I had a quick comeback. In my case, I kept my problems very quiet but in retrospect I wish I would have said “Yup, it’s the depression and anxiety diet”.

I hate that saying as well. I find most people really do not understand what it feels like to be truly and hopelessly depressed or anxious nor know what to say. Their response dictates whether or not I continue to share. Otherwise, try and be honest with them about that not being helpful but provide them with what be helpful and see if they take the direction.

Yes, we must have the same relatives! 🙂 I hear you loud and clear. I've heard all those crazy cliches myself. Here's another that really hurt. My mother died years ago from cancer at age 67. At the visiting, the husband of one of her old friends (trying to be helpful) said to me, "I know how you feel. My mother died at age 97 and we went thru hell." Fortunately, I didn't say anything in return that I would later regret. (My mother was a saint and I miss her dearly.) As for my brother-in-law, unlike me, he came from an unbelievably very Functional family - everyone loves everyone. So he doesn't really have a clue as to what depression is. He's always in a "happy" mood, or he pretends to be. Many times I'm around him, he will happily whistle, which drives me nuts. (I think it's his way of trying to help me.) He's a great guy and would give you the shirt off his back. I just wish he had some kind of understanding and compassion. He makes me feel guilty if I'm not "happy." Aside from the "It is what it is" line, he'll stay stuff like, "Try to think good things," etc. Next time he says it I will try your advice , "Well, until we try to change it." Thanks for ALL your comments!

Thank you for your comments! Yes, "heartless" certainly applies often. And it does seem that most people don't know what to say. Just "being there" is a million times more help than repeating stupid cliches. I was a radio newscaster for several years, and one of the scariest things to avoid is "dead air." I believe it's the same with people trying to help. They get uncomfortable when they are trying to help and there is dead air. So they think of anything they can to say. Saying nothing or only responding when asked and just being there can often (mostly?) be the best thing to do.

Wow! Just finished reading all these posts. There were many times when I got the feeling that you were looking at it backwards. You condemned people whom you thought said cruel things to you. I didn't get that impression. I felt they really were trying to help and be supportive, but they just didn't have the words. Instead of accepting this, you scorned them. I have depression on and off all my life. Now I am coming to the end and I am all alone. But when I am confronted with certain situations I go "dumb." I just cannot think of the proper words so I, too, will say something that may not be appropriate. They really are trying to help but they just don't know how to do it.

Thanks for your reply and advice! Yes, "This too shall pass" is another cruel one. Some of the others are, "Time heals, I know how you feel, Look on the bright side, You can have a child (or more), Trust God," (that one can be hard, but I try my best at it without others making me feel guilty if I don't.)

I can really relate to your worrying about having "a quick comeback" when worrying about hurting the person's feelings who has already hurt yours! I struggle with the "I wish I'ds" over and over again when I didn't think of a quick comeback until later on. So sad for you about those university admins. I have struggled all my life with my weight also. With you, it's weight loss, and with me it's too much weight. Last night, I blew a great day of proper eating. My wife gave me a bowl of her baked, mixed Christmas nuts. (Not her fault; it was out of love for me, because I would have asked for them anyway.) Then I ate two bowls of cereal before going to bed. Well, today's another day to not give up the fight. And I urge you not to give up the fight either. (I was going to use a dumb cliche like, "I know how you feel," but that certainly doesn't help! It's just good to know that we are not alone with whatever is not good for us and to never give up. Thank You. 🙂