Estrangement is a profound pain that can not be understood unless you have gone through it personally.
My husband and I have become estranged from our first born, a son who is now 53. He became embittered while in a relationship with an emasculating, domineering, narcissistic woman. Neither of his sisters or we were able to say anything that didn't lead him into an explosive tirade. Unkown to him was her unfaithfulness. She was indeed a very clever actress. They unfortunately married, only to have her demand a divorce less than 9 months later. Our son was devastated, and left totally penniless by her having drained all accounts before making her calculated exit. We were all affected. His sisters and we gave him all our support, both financial and emotional. His father and I paid for the legal fees so he could be fairly represented against her unfounded lies and gaslighting. The trial was horrid, but the judge ruled against her greedy demands. She wanted outrageous alimony, the house and furnishings, jewelry, and more -- such a calculated plan. She got nothing --absolutamente NADA, just the decree that the marriage no longer was legal. We were all relieved but it made her more psychologically unstable, and continued making his life and ours a pure hell. He then met someone who is so into beliefs of conspiracy theories, anti vaccinations, and other factors that affected him intensely, so much so that we just couldn't fathom his total change from the person that we had known. Then we were all separated during the pandemic, making things worse. There's more, but this is all I'm willing to share. Fast forward to today and it's been 5 years since we've had him in family events and holidays. We grieve. We mourn. We miss him painfully so. We find it difficult to accept that he has chosen to no longer be a member of our small but close family unit. I had an emotional and psychological collapse into a chasm of immense depression. Have not yet been able to deal with all the tenacious grips of major depressive disorder. Therapy has helped but only to a minute degree. I still have muscle memories of the last time we hugged, the kisses on my forehead, and his words "I love you, mom". We have had to move on, for the sake of our other two children and their families, and for our marriage of five decades. It's an arduous struggle. Prayer helps, but I still yearn and ache to have our firstborn back in our lives. I never thought that our "golden years" would be spent this way.
A therapeutic avenue for me has been my writing, and I've written essays on this specific journey. As a memoirist, I am capturing in print everything that has transpired. I also attend webinars led by professionals in the field of psychology on the topics related to the twelve letters that comprise the nebulous word "estrangement".
I value having come upon this support group here on Mayo Connect. May those who have connected and shared their pain be able to channel release from it. God bless you all.🙏🏽