Mood swings with PTSD while you have stage 4 kidney failure

Am in Stage 3B, have had major clinical depression most of my life and PTSD during most of my senior years, esp after CKD. Had to stop Zoloft partly due to renal issues & partly due to hand tremor and other neurological symptoms and was put on low dose anti-Parkinson's generic Sinemet and low dose Nefazodone (similar to Trazadone.) Not suicidal but always mildly depressed and constantly anxious. Often am too miserable to think. Some cognitive behavior therapy has helped a little as deep breathing, singing (hope nobody can hear me!) and grounding exercises reduce the anxiety to where I no longer want to scream. Sorry can't be more helpful. Hope @msannette79 you get some answers and can share them.

I get so angry I get so frustrated I get where I just want to hurt myself and hurt others around me. After they take my kidney out on the left side, they told me that I couldn't take my medicine anymore and that's ever medication that I could take because if I took any of them but it was killed my only kidney that I have left. I used to frustrated I just don't know what to do sometimes and my irritability drives me mad. I see things, hear things other people don't. And it irritates me. I stay suicidal all the time, but can't seem to do it to myself because of the fact if I did it to myself I know that God wouldn't take me home and I want to go home to heaven I don't want to go to hell so that's what keeps me from it right now. I get where I feel so alone, I get where I feel like I have no one to talk to you. And I know that really I do have people around me that care about me but I feel like if I open up and talk to someone that they're all just going to hate me. I honestly didn't never think about reaching out to get help since I took me off my medicine told me there was nothing that I could be put on because I only have one kidney I gave up but my husband is doing time in prison so I'm trying to hold on and fight to survive to make it till he comes home and it's hard especially when you're always sick. You're always weak don't have the strength to even raise your head half the time. Do you just have one give me or do you still have both. If you have only one kidney I wonder if they can put me on the medicine that you are on.

@msannette79 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Reaching out like you did is a good first step to address the PTSD issue.

Now that the doctors have told you to not take the medications that helped you, can you go back to them and ask what they recommend? Like @kamama94 mentioned, you may need to explore more options to work with your PTSD and anxiety. I think that many of us who have chronic health issues go through anxiety or depression, as we learn to live with these new limits in our lives. We have to get creative and find what will work for us. A new hobby, renewing an old one, doing volunteer work, all can help us "get out of our own way". Sometimes a distraction is the best method. Journaling can help, also. Do any of these sound doable for you?

People aren't going to hate you for opening up to them. You may find that they have been concerned but didn't know how to approach you to help you. Being vulnerable can be scary, and you will find quickly those who help you feel most comfortable. Just my experience speaking here.

May I ask what condition you had that they had to take your one kidney?
Ginger

@msannette79, I can relate to what you're going through. And I certainly do not hate you!

But I certainly get extremely cranky and angry and sad and scared. I told my docs I'm too chicken to do away with myself so am simply miserable a lot of the time.

What keeps me from screaming most days is a number of things, not the least of which is a forum like this one where people with similar issues can get together for support and the exchange of information. I also see a psychiatrist a couple of times a year, who monitors my therapy sessions with a counselor who often simply lets me vent. She also has taught me some calming techniques. Sometimes, instead of screaming like I really want to do, I sing in my cracked old lady voice instead and that helps with the anxiety as well as the depression. She also reminded me how to change my focus by finding five items to look at, four things I can touch or feel, three I can hear, two things I can smell, something I can taste (or remember the smell or taste)

Oddly enough, it was my genius (I'm not kidding) primary care doctor who hit upon the idea of the milder version of Trazadone (instead of Zoloft) with my nephrologist's and psychiatrist's approvals.

IDK if you have a primary care physician and/or nephrologist and/or social worker or counselor but if not, maybe you can find a medical professional who can help you navigate this tortuous path we're walking. And please know you are welcome here and nobody will hate you. Feel free to vent, whine, complain, we'll listen and one of us may be able to share something that might work for you, too.

Basically, I have only one kidney on the right, the left one dried up and nobody knew about it until the "healthier" kidney stopped working as well. I had some symptoms with the left kidney but thought it was kidney stones, turned out it was dying renal tissue and too late to save it.

Sorry your hubby isn't around right now, I have a son in a similar situation and two of my adult children have died and the rest are scattered so I'm basically alone except for my deceased daughter's husband who is very kind to me and helps as much as he can, considering he works nights and is not in good health himself. I do talk with oldest son on the phone every other day and oldest daughter about once a month but they really can't help me except listen and chat a little. I wish I could say that's good enough but it really isn't. I still miss my husband, who died 30 years ago! And sometimes I break down and cry and want my mother! So thank goodness for places like this one where I can be honest about how I feel and where I am on a particular day.

I will tell you that in spite of everything, sometimes I actually feel happy. As a person with decades of substance abuse recovery, I know to make gratitude lists, when I can force myself to do that, and it really helps when I focus on simple things. like seeing a pretty leaf, watching the neighborhood cats, petting my service dog, watching a re-run of an old comedy. Sometimes I list things like a roof over my head, even if only for today, warm clothes in winter or cool clothing in summer, food to eat, bird calls, the smell of sage and cedar and sweetgrass - well, at least the memory of those smells since with COPD I no longer can smudge.

I hope you find some help and some answers and am sending you best wishes!

Since I was younger my kidney had been giving me stones on 2015 I ended up getting a mass wrapped around my kidney that smothered my kidney. My left kidney ended up dying on me. It was after they removed my kidney that I found out that I had kidney cancer. Now my right kidney is failing me.