First thing to say is, I don't have breast cancer (I have pancreatic), so I can't know how you're feeling. (I'm a woman, so I do know how central our breasts are to our self-image.)

I want to share, though, something that someone shared on the pancreatic-cancer board. She's had a fairly quick recurrence (this particular cancer is notorious for that, unfortunately), and her current chemo is hitting her v. hard. But she said that she views the chemo as the thing that cleans up the cancer so that she can have a future, and that helps her get through the bad weeks ( = every other week).

I beg you to never say "never" ("but this chest will never be anything I could ever feel happy about") bc I hope that in time you'll see your new chest as something that enabled you to live longer and accrue the various blessings that your years-to-come will bestow. (Please know that I'm not downplaying how traumatic it is to lose one's breasts and to deal with reconstruction.)

And, I urge you to think about the idea that our thoughts become our words become our deeds become our life. I *know* that it's not easy to adjust one's attitude during the trials of cancer treatment, and I think that we *shouldn't* adjust it when in fact at some points we need to grieve, be angry, etc. But overall I find that dictum useful (if perhaps a little simplistic).

I'm moved by your situation; I wish you well; and if I've erred by posting, I apologize.