Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much to know that someone understands when I say I have lost who I was. I don’t know who I am emotionally and definitely don’t like who I am physically. Sounds vain and I never thought I was before.

Do you work with a therapist, a professional who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy? CBT is a tool that helped reshape me through a lot of rebuilding of my mindset. Who in your life would be a good accountability partner for you?

I do not. I started seeing someone but I don’t think it was a good fit. I know I need to. It gets dark sometimes.

You're brave for reaching out on Connect and sharing your feelings with others who understand. That is a real good step. Sending you a gentle, virtual hug to remind you that you are not alone.

I am truly struggling so very badly and I have no clue as to why I can’t pull myself together emotionally. I have been so very depressed. Not going anywhere not clean, sometimes my hygiene is questionable I don’t understand. I made it through the chemo, a year of Herceptin infusions, implant infections, losing my right nipple, had oxygen chamber therapy 30 times I ended up having to do the diep flap had three fat grafting sessions and now my insurance refuses to pay for more even though it’s horrible looking. Anyway, I am on an antidepressant but I have no desire to do anything or see anyone I think I feel as if I don’t know who I am anymore. I was an RN for years now I can’t work because of fatigue and chemo fog. I am sorry guys I don’t mean to dump but I need help somehow something has got to change or help. I have never had these emotions of no self worth or whatever this is. Thanks for listening.

In 2003, at the age of 25, I received a sudden and unexpected diagnosis of lymphoma. The situation was dire, with the location of the lymphoma giving me only about three days left to live. Swiftly, I underwent surgery and began chemotherapy within a week. This abrupt turn of events left me grappling with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The speed of the diagnosis and subsequent treatment left me little time to process the enormity of the situation. Despite returning to school and work just three months later, I found myself harboring resentment and anger at the drastic shift my life had taken. While others admired my perceived strength, I struggled to connect with the reality of facing cancer. Pity from others became a source of frustration, making me less sympathetic to those complaining about illness. Compassion became a conscious effort for me, I don't want to feel like this.

Even now, years later, I live with the lingering fear of another blood cancer. I find it challenging, given the traumatic nature of my past experience. The memories are vivid – the red infusion solution pumping through tubes, triggering unexpected reactions like the taste of metal upon seeing someone drink red Kool-Aid through a swirly straw and getting nausea.

Recently, a routine blood workup revealed dangerously high Hemoglobin and Hematocrit levels along with the presence of the JAK2 mutation. The fear is palpable, and I'm grappling with anxiety about what the future holds. Despite my partner's perception of me as a hypochondriac due to annual blood work anxiety, each test serves as a stark reminder of the fragility of health and the ongoing battle against my fears.

I feel for you, and everything you've written -- about how much you're struggling and how bad you feel -- makes perfect sense, given that you've been through intense trauma.

Fwiw, I think that developed nations discourage people from acknowledging the intensity of their traumatic experiences, for various reasons related to consumer culture and keeping the economic machine going. But you HAVE been through trauma, and you need to be clear with yourself about that (as in, "After all I've been thru, it's logical that I can't really function well in the short term"), and kind to yourself as you gradually heal.

I'm not suggesting that you stop taking antidepressants, but they aren't the solution. An adjunct during a terrible time, yes, but not the solution. You need to be able to cry out your feelings and shriek out your feelings in a safe space, with a licensed, experienced therapist. And I wonder whether EMDR (a therapy to address trauma) could help.

Can you talk with someone at the hospital where you've received cancer care? Mine has a dedicated social worker, for ex., who has guided me toward some useful resources. And the Psychology Today website lets you search for therapists by geographic area, but keep in mind that you're better off getting a recommendation for a therapist from someone who knows, or has worked with, the therapist.

Finally, if your insurer is being a jerk and is refusing treatment that you need, call the office of one of your US senators and ask to talk to someone who handles health-care problems -- that person might be able to advocate for you.

I believe that better times are ahead for you; I believe that based on my own ups and downs for most of my life (I'm 62) and based on the reality that every living creature is built to heal. (Yeah, we all break down at some point, but I think you're not there yet.)

"Despite my partner's perception of me as a hypochondriac due to annual blood work anxiety ..."

This upsets me. Your partner really needs to get on board. I learned a new word a few days ago, "scanxiety" -- the anxiety that people with pancreatic cancer feel as they gear up for the every-3-mos. scan that will tell them whether the cancer has returned. (I'm not there yet but will be.)

They are, QUITE NATURALLY, freaked out because it's a stealth cancer that creates few or no side effects (so we have to rely on scans and blood tests to know whether it has recurred, and even those can be misleading), bc it's a super-aggressive cancer that can do a lot of damage in that 3-mo. spell between scans, **and** bc it has a low survival rate.

I can only repeat: Your partner needs to get on board and start being sympathetic to your completely understandable / completely logical distress.

Also, I'm wondering whether you've ever looked into EMDR, a therapy that works to reduce intense reactions to old traumas.

I wish you well.

I am truly struggling so very badly and I have no clue as to why I can’t pull myself together emotionally. I have been so very depressed. Not going anywhere not clean, sometimes my hygiene is questionable I don’t understand. I made it through the chemo, a year of Herceptin infusions, implant infections, losing my right nipple, had oxygen chamber therapy 30 times I ended up having to do the diep flap had three fat grafting sessions and now my insurance refuses to pay for more even though it’s horrible looking. Anyway, I am on an antidepressant but I have no desire to do anything or see anyone I think I feel as if I don’t know who I am anymore. I was an RN for years now I can’t work because of fatigue and chemo fog. I am sorry guys I don’t mean to dump but I need help somehow something has got to change or help. I have never had these emotions of no self worth or whatever this is. Thanks for listening.

Thank you so much!