It's nice to meet you, Kimberly, and I'd also like to welcome you to Connect.

You just got married! Congratulations! It should be such a special time but
life doesn't let us choose what it has to throw at us, and you have been given one of the most challenging and loving jobs that anyone can have. I have faith that you have more strength than you realize.

I've just passed my 26th lung cancer anniversary. As you know, intellectually, early cancer doesn't always mean a death sentence. This is a positive thing. I also know that right now is a very tough time for both of you. You just got married, and the whole world seems to be falling apart. If you take one thing at a time, one procedure, one blood draw, one decision, then you can feel like you have a bit of a handle on the whole thing, but just a bit. And to me, this is a big thing.

I was recently a caretaker for my husband, and when I found out that I would lose him, my breath left me standing in stunned silence. What did I hear? Did this mean what I thought? Then, when we got back home, David was standing halfway into the coat closet, and I tackled him and we fell in a heap of jackets, coats, and boots, and the only thing that I could do was cry and cry and cry. I pounded his back because anger started to take over. This doesn't just happen in movies! At other times we could be having a great conversation, and suddenly, I'd be on his lap, head buried in his shoulder, sobbing my heart out.

Crying isn't a weakness, Kimberly, even if the other person doesn't cry with you. My husband told me that when I cried he felt so loved and cared for and warm inside. It's a great strength to open yourself up at such a vulnerable time. Crying shows love and loss and great intimacy. What a mixture!

We are all so different in how we release tension in dire situations. How do we take care of ourselves? We are constantly told, "Take care of yourself." but how? "I know that I need rest, sleep, and a good meal but how can I do this when..." How have you taken care of yourself in the past? I'm lousy at it. You do what you have to do and move on. It's part of what we need to do.

Walking, taking breaks, and learning are blessings. They will help clear your mind and gain a bit of control back, especially the learning bit. It's excellent that you have a medical background. This will help support your husband's understanding of what he'll be facing medically.

David and I used to talk about his phases of dementia, which seemed to bulldoze us at record speed. On occasion, I'd have a break and get out of the house and feel so much better. And then I really looked forward to going home Having help so that you can have breaks is a miracle! lol

I don't know your schedule or if your husband is still working, but if you can go out for an occasional dinner, or do something special together this will help release tension in both of you.

One thing that might help him and you is to join our Lung Cancer group so that he can learn more about his illness and relieve you from being the constant instructor. He'll get support from other cancer patients. He will have a place to vent and ask questions as you have done here.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/lung-cancer/
This might not have been the type of response that you were looking for. Unfortunately, there isn't a system, rules, or guide to help you more than being on here to talk with others who have taken care of someone they love.

Merry