How do you respond to offers of help?

Hi, @scottrl -- I was in hospital for 3 1/2 months (2 1/2 without being able to reach anything beyond my hospital bed), so I understand exactly what you mean about the isolation. If there's any way for members here to get in touch privately, I'll share my contact info, and you'll be welcome to reach out if you'd like.

I have been appreciative when others expressed their concern. There are certainly different levels of how those we know can help us.

-Most likely I don't need/want to hear "new" information about my situation, as those who know me know I will have already done a lot of research. Likewise, the "Dr. Google" conversations are no help to me unless all I want is to be frustrated! [I have a sister who wants to impart all kinds if useless info in my direction.]

-Knowing others will help you shoulder those down days, and be there for you, is a major deal. How to be there could be a note in the mail, or a plate of cookies, a box of tea with a new mug, a journal and pen. There are those who you know you can call at any time of day or night, and they will listen to you; they are treasures to be held like a rare gem.

-If you have the means, offer to give a ride to appointments or treatments. Or, take the dog for a walk or to the groomer. If you do drive, not talk constantly; meaningful silences are golden in the midst of the hub-bub of treatment.

From the patient perspective, just knowing I am not all alone is priceless. Different people will fill different levels of need. Don't be surprised if some will balk at your news, for it can bring a sense of mortality that they might not want to acknowledge, and emotions they are not ready to face.
Ginger

You can reach out to me by private message.

Thanks!

My husband has lung cancer. We have received no help from any friends or family. A few made the appropriate comments of "I'm so sorry." "We will be in touch." and never were. My Aunt wrote letters all the time but never once asked how my husband was doing even though I informed her in return letters how he was doing. The help we have gotten is the research we obtained from the Mayo Clinic and the comments especially regarding home oxygen from this forum! My husband is doing very well now. He doesn't need to see the cancer doctor for a year and he no longer needs home oxygen!

People are really odd these days when it comes to helping others. I guess it's a sign of the times. We were fortunate to have God and the Mayo Clinic and the Mayo Clinic forum!
PML

Hi @scottrl and @northoftheborder, I recommend using the secure private message function should you wish to share personal contact information. Learn how in the Help Center https://connect.mayoclinic.org/help-center/

I might also add that by sharing here in the forum, you are connecting with several people where all can benefit from group support.

Great topic - The only offer of help I've had is when my husband was going off the deep end I could text or call someone and they would call, distract him for awhile. By the time the call ended he would have forgotten what he was riled about.

As to what isn't helpful is hearing a phrase along the lines of, "he seems fine to me." I've had some pretty bad thoughts hearing that one.

@pml We wander through, learning how to navigate a health challenge for ourselves or a loved one. Right at the time my blood cancer expanded, I moved 900 miles away to an area where I literally knew no one! Culture shock plus new environment sent me into the depths of depression. "How can I help" was a mantra I heard often, but heck, I didn't know myself how to get through day-to-day!

These days, I try to be proactive, and place myself in the shoes of those who might need a hand. Many times, someone feels helpless to help. Sharing with the right person will help ease our burden.
Ginger

It's interesting how many of us have posted about being alone, or with spouses, soldiering along without any support. I think it's a sign of the times. This doesn't apply to everyone, of course, but so many of us don't know all of our neighbors well but think nothing of posting all kinds of info (anonymously) on a message board. I'm guilty of that, I know. That online connection certainly alleviates some isolation, but it doesn't replace the comfort and intimacy of personal contact. The pandemic didn't help either. Some in-person activities have never returned (all of the classes and support groups my clinic offers are online), and we all have to be careful of exposure to illnesses because of our immunocompromised status, which limits what we can do anyway.

So how do we counter this? One idea is to ask for help--something many of us don't like to do, but we may need to. Along with that, though, we need to realize that we can't control other people; we can only control how we respond to what they do or don't do. This is a difficult journey, and I'm grateful that Mayo, the moderators and all the posters are willing to share this online resource with us! I've learned a lot.

I was so fortunate when I was diagnosed with Stage 1b EGFR lung cancer. Friends called just to say hello and to let me know they were thinking of me. A couple of times, a friend would show up with lunch to give my husband a much needed break. Others came to my chemo sessions to just sit with me. Of course flowers were always welcome as were lemon drops and ginger chews. If asked, I would say I didn’t really need anything because I really didn’t. Knowing friends and family were thinking of me and wishing me well was enough.

Initially I was a person who handled things better being quiet about it and not talking about it. Then I got on MCC and found that I could share my experiences with prostrate cancer and other medical issues I have. I found many many individuals like me feel things in many different ways. What almost all of us said was we are all individuals and how we react to cancer and medical issues will be different and what is best for one may not be best for you.

Being on MCC made me feel better just being able to cite experiences (good and bad), knowledge and informatino I had learned, and asking questions of what others learned from others and doctors.

I see Mayo Jacksonville and I think all Mayos' have a comprehensive cancer center. Part of that center had of course the medical specilist but also psychologist to help with dealing with diagnosis of cancer, during treatments and recovery. I just found out about it and plan to explore and probably join it.

I know one of the things most of us do is asked others is "how you doing?" The vast amount of different responses makes if very hard to know what to say. I had one lady say on MCC, "Thank you for caring about a stranger you have never met." WOW I thought a simple caring about others got that response.