no idea how to accomplish what i need

@mommacandy I commend you for taking care of a friend - you have gone far beyond what anyone one person can reasonably expect of another, but this person dropping into your life a few years ago does not make him your responsibility forever.

Let me ask you a question - When you were raising your children, was your life ruled by their tantrums?

That is what you are allowing this unrelated man do to you and your husband. He has taken over your lives with your permission, but now you want it back. You have been a blessing to him, seeing him through crisis after crisis, but is time to resume your lives, and hand him back responsibility for his.

You need to steel yourselves, know he is going to rage at you, and do what needs to be done. If that means returning him to his cabin, just matter-of-factly tell him "X days after your next chemo, we are taking you home. We will pick you up on [day] for your next chemo session. We will make sure you have supplies for yourself and your cats."

When he rages, repeat, repeat, repeat. If you cannot do this, stand at your husband's side while he says it. Then do it. Otherwise, you are putting your liberty and your future in the hands of someone who is behaving like a tyrant. PTSD or not, he has to accept that your resources are not without limit.

Please let me know how this turns out for you.
Sue

Sue has good advice.

This guy is manipulative and selfish, just for starters.

When someone like that gets out of control, remember those three little words that mean so much: Nine-One-One. Get him gone.

Even the Good Samaritan had a limit. He saw that the victim survived, but he didn't put his whole life on hold.

A drowning man will kill you to save himself. No one needs to let that happen to them.

thank you, its kinda like i KNOW all this but its the ability actually to do it that i'm struggling with.. and the fact i actually see my husband struggling to do this as well is REALLY overwhelming, he doesn't usually back down from anything ......i've told several people at times when they've asked me how i do it that its like dealing with a toddler sometimes with him but i can't use the same techniques like we did with our kids when we they did it

Perhaps it's his treatment that makes him so difficult. However, you need to consider your needs and those of your husband as well as your friend. Otherwise, you two will burn out and be good for nothing. I'm sure you know all this and what you really need is a solution. Is there some kind of social services at the hospital. I know when my brother in law was in rehab. (He was 85 and had fallen.) The rehab facility wouldn't release him till they were satisfied that he had the proper care at home. He didn't have it because I refused to become his caretaker. So he elected to stay at their nursing home permanently where he died after about 6 months. He also was getting chemo. I hope in some way this was helpful. I wish you all the best. You are a very good person...God Bless !

I know it's a tough situation and answers are always easier to provide from far away. That said, I second the idea of finding out if there's any social workers associated with either the oncology practice or the hospital.

Since you have medical POA, I suspect there won't be a problem sitting down with them. Explain the situation -- including the non-US vet PTSD side of things -- and see if they can't maybe arrange to talk to him on or after one of his visits. Maybe they'll be able to bring in a veteran-related counselor as well even if it's not for VA purposes.

It sounds like he's going to need lots of coping help both in terms of what needs to happen but also on a going-forward basis. Having someone else cut through the tape and help laying things out in a caring but firm way is a wonderful thing. Especially if they can find a way to tap support resources for him as well.

My mother-in-law was struggling with unrealistic expectations at one point and pushing back against everything. A hospice nurse was the one that finally got through to her about the current reality. She was not thrilled at first, but it ended up being a game-changer, esp. in terms of just making it possible to get done the things that had to be done. No guarantees it'll work, but it's amazing how a little support can go such a long way.

@mommacandy -- Ditto what Sue, @scottrl , and all the subsequent posters have advised.

Wish you the best!

/LarryG

we have a lot of complications with it all...part of it is the fact is actual home is 1.5 hours north of me, yes he COULD get chemo closer than what he is BUT the hospitals in this area suck to put it nicely.. they weren't even going to do a rescan even after seeing the lesion in June until 6-8 weeks had passed...in the 4 weeks from original scanning to the one done at a bigger hospital he had been admitted to for a different reason, it had grown 1.3 cm.. they did a rescan at 4 weeks because i asked them to...and THEY were the ones that fast tracked it to the research hospital to get treatment... .....so definitely not moving closer to these hospitals for chemo treatments for sure... he's only 51so doesn't qualify for a lot of the senior assistance programs, and because he's not a US citizen (legal resident/perm green card holder for 17 yrs) he doesn't qualify for disability or such...ebt and medicaid is the only assistance he gets.. i'll definitely check with care coordinator about other things..maybe they know something...at least i do get gas reimbursement for the trips...

@mommacandy What you are dealing with has got to be so difficult! Are there times where he help out or shows his appreciation? According to what I found from the VA, he is eligible for all VA benefits. I suggest you call a VA hospital near you and find out what they can do to help.
https://news.va.gov/102866/the-immigrant-military-members-and-veterans-initiative-and-how-va-supports-immigrant-veterans/#:~:text=Who%20is%20eligible%20for%20benefits,to%20those%20who%20live%20abroad.
Who is eligible for benefits?

“All eligible Veterans are entitled to VA benefits regardless of their immigrant status. The same applies to those who live abroad.

Unfortunately, identifying these Veterans – especially deported Veterans – has been challenging. VA has worked closely with LULAC, Repatriate our Patriots, American GI Forum and the American Legion for assistance, and with DHS to identify Veterans who have been deported and those who have been repatriated.”
Is this something you can do ?

he isn't eligible because he's not an American veteran, when we reached out to the VA they said basically if you want vet help, go back to your own country. and after reaching out to our congressmen/women they basically said the same thing, he has non vet status here because he didn't serve in America's military.

You and your husband are Angels in human form! It sounds like us, we growl like grizzly bears but! It’s only a season we are going through….My husband and I are empty nesters as well and have decided that we will have to drive our own selves to the nursing home!
The cats will be fine! They can catch fresh meat!( rodents)