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Pain and Loss of Self Worth

Chronic Pain | Last Active: Dec 18, 2023 | Replies (142)

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@frances007

in reply to @rwinney I am not sure if I have shared this link before, but this is a great article on the current topic of discussion, and after reading the article I did feel better about my chronic disease.
https://creakyjoints.org/support/coping-with-loneliness-chronic-illness/
I have lost so many friends during the past year because as my "friend" put it:
"Your appearance is shocking and the reason people don't talk to you anymore is because they are afraid you will ask them for help,"
Of course I knew she was projecting her feelings on to me, and knew with certainty when I texted her several months ago asking her if she would be available if I needed something from the local grocery store which is about a 3 minute walk. My text went ignored, and fortunately I did not need anything. And suffice to say we are no longer friends. Better.

Knowing that my appearance may be "shocking" as a result of the 40 percent weight loss, there is nothing I can do about it, presently. While many people often stop to tell me that they have noticed that I am continuing to lose weight, there are others that I know are asking out of kindness as opposed to judging me by my appearance alone. Having said this, my situation is not going to improve, and while I have an abundance of humility, my feelings still get hurt from time to time, which I suppose is natural for those of us who have a disease that affects your appearance. There are some people who I just want to slap, others hug. We live in a chaotic world where many do not know what the word "humanity" means anymore.

Last Friday I called a church that I attended for a short period of time last year in an effort to meet kind people who I hoped would accept me as the way that I am. The greeter at the church noted my slender appearance and then began flirting with me, and it was not until he began sending photos of himself to my cell phone that I reported him to the church in question. The "friend" who told me I look like Holocaust victim and who now no longer speaks to me, also attends this church. So me, being me, called the church and asked this fellow: "What are you teaching the people at your church?" I shared with him my personal experience with three of their members, and while I am not necessarily "religious", I did ask him if he thought that Jesus Christ would make such comments to me. His response was : "I cannot answer your rhetorical question." Obviously my question was not rhetorical. He could have said, "we teach our fellowship to practice the actions of Jesus, we teach them kindness and compassion for those like you who are in need of comfort."

My "circle" has grown so small over the past year, and if not for those who REALLY are my friends, I am not quite sure where I would be at this point in my life. I will turn 62 on Monday, and I found a journal that a friend gave me last year, and I read what I had written on my birthday. Essentially I wrote how great I felt and how lucky I was to have such wonderful people in my life who I can count on when I need them. However, I am not feeling great right now, and those people I thought were wonderful are no longer a part of my life simply because they know I have a chronic illness. I do not complain to anyone except my doctors, I do not ask for help unless I really need it, which is rare, and I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I did realize something today and that was that I have been in some kind of denial by stretching myself too far in an effort to help others, and once I began paying attention to how I was really feeling, it was eye opening. I presently am iron deficient and I hope that my lab work on Tuesday will show iron levels low enough for me to have more infusions even though I said I would never have them again. It's funny in a way, because I initially signed in this afternoon to find out more about a liquid iron supplement that someone else posted because he did not want to have any infusions, and I had forgotten the name of it. Best to all.

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Replies to "in reply to @rwinney I am not sure if I have shared this link before, but..."

After having a stroke while 300 miles from home, I was stuck in a hospital.

With very little company and impaired speech, I sent emails and texts to just about everybody in my address book.

More than half never responded, then or ever. Even people I'd known for decades suddenly acted like "Scott who?"

Over the ensuing months, most of those who did respond initially just faded away.

I had been very active in my church; after about six months, they were all gone. It was like they thought I was going to ask for money, or strokes were contagious or something.

That really, really hurt, I have to say.

But that's not the point of my post. My point is that those who stayed friends have been few but wonderful, encouraging, and patient.

With their encouragement, I have started reaching out to new people, both online (like here) and in person. I joined a local stroke support group, for example.

Throughout, I have endured pain so intense that I didn't think I could go on another five minutes. Doctors have seemed indifferent. (Don't get me started on that topic.) I'll admit, I frequently prayed, "God, if Your plan is to kill me, get on with it."

Two things have helped me endure:
1. Thinking in terms of how far I've come, not how far I have to go.
2. Recognizing that many, many people would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I have much to be grateful for. (It's just that pain obscures my vision sometimes.)

I hope that is a little helpful. Hang in there. The alternatives are bleak.