in reply to @mwhite0707 Thank you. Naturally when I got home from Joyce's last night it took me until 0300 to finally crawl into bed, but woke up at 0500 with this terrible pain I get in my hip, and for which I am getting an injection on Tuesday.

I feel especially bad for those such as yourself (and my sister) who are married to men/women who have dementia, as I know that your obligation to your spouse is of great importance. As I was working on pressing some new leaves, flowers etc for my cards, I began having this thought, "Now I am being treated like hired help." Of course this did not sit well with me at all, in light of the fact that Joyce has been my closest confidant for so many years. More tears, more swearing, which is not something I normally do, and the realization that our relationship is over. I have even gone as far as getting rid of some of the things she has given me over the past 10 plus years because I want nothing in my apartment to remind me of her, even though she has been such a huge part of my life. Joyce needs some groceries today, and I have offered to go to the store for her, and intend to use a portion of a Trader Joe's gift card her friend gave me to use to buy Joyce the food she likes, to purchase something nice for myself, simply because I can and I also feel like I "deserve it" after the events of this past week alone. Did I mention that one of her friends, the one who gives me the gift card, is now trying to bribe me in an effort to get me to continue caring for Joyce? Yesterday she texted me that I needed another dog, and that she would pay for the dog's care and things of that nature. I told her "no dog." I have had my share of dogs and while I often think of getting another one, I cannot because of my illness, which is ongoing and with no end in site, unless I hasten my death, which I do not plan on doing. I stepped on the scale last night and was astonished that I have dropped 7 pounds just this week. My appetite is poor at best because of my illness, but I was shocked that I had lost this much weight in such a short period of time. I imagine my muscle mass is a large portion of my weight, as I lift weights everyday so as not to lose muscle mass. However, this weight loss is very telling and even more of a message that I have made the right decision in terms of stepping away from being a "caregiver" to Joyce.

Her doctor's office left me a message yesterday in response to a letter I wrote when I sent her an application for Joyce to get approval to use ParaTransit, a special bus service for the disabled. I too use it, but instead of a bus, they send a car and driver because I have no mobility aids and do not need assistance getting in and out of a car. Obviously, Joyce will need some help, and I have explained to her that a bus will come and if she chooses to use the service, I can go with her and ride for free. The service is only $5 each way. In any event, since Joyce refuses to go to the doctor, and her sociopathic friend refuses to take her, I asked the doctor how I could convince Joyce to see the doctor because I have some concerns about some of her health problems that I think need to be addressed, especially her COPD, and the fact that she has been complaining more of being short of breath. A video visit has been offered, so I intend to follow through with the promise to myself that I would get her the care she needs in an effort to feel better. The sociopath demanded that "I respect Joyce's wishes not to go to the doctor." However, if there is something that could help her breathe a bit easier, then I want her to have it, right? This is not about prolonging her health, but rather allowing her the possibility to be more comfortable, knowing full well that her time on earth is limited. I suspect that the sociopath wants to hasten her death, and being the person I am, there is no doubt in my mind that she will try to do this. Afterall, she is already going around Joyce's apartment and noting all of the things she wants when Joyce dies.

Getting back to you, I am so sorry about your situation, and can only imagine what you face each day. The demons, the sadness and grief must be overwhelming. My sister has told me that once her husband becomes "mean" she will place him in a facility. Her answer to the frustration is the "serenity prayer" which can be helpful, sometimes. You mentioned that you have to get "stronger" yet it sounds like you already are a very strong woman. Perhaps some respite care would be of benefit to you, if you can afford something like this. My sister has been talking about doing this so she can get a break now and then. As for myself, I know that I could not live 24/7 with someone who had dementia, even if I had taken marriage vows to hang in there during "sickness and health" which is probably why I never got married in the first place. Please do not take offense, as I applaud you for what you are doing and will continue to do. I do know that there are Alzheimer's support groups and phone numbers one can call in order to talk to someone living with the same experience, and I have thought about attending one of their meetings so that I could meet others in a similar situation. It sounds like you, like my sister, really have your hands full, and I am so sorry.