One small step at a time (big virtual hug). My heart goes out to you, I'm sure you are asking yourself WHY and believe that as a parent you should go first. At the moment you have no closure due to questions still being unanswered. Take time for you and the other important people in your life. It may be early but you are allowed to smile and laugh, remember the good times or the times he wouldn't clean his room. I have no doubt you have great tails about your boy to share when you are ready. As for today, have a bath/shower and get dressed (small steps). xxx

I don't think a parent should ever have to lose a child. It is just difficult beyond words, I am sure. And then to lose him at 30 yo just adds to your grief. I lost my husband when he was 28 [I was 23 with an 18 mo old child] and I never got over that, but I have always said it must to be the worst to lose a child, and at any age, they are still our "children". My only advice is go get help. Go for counseling. That could be a psychologist who specializes in grief, your pastor, but from my experience, I think everyone could do themselves a big favor by getting help. Grief is ot something that passes quickly and it can get very complicated. I did everything wrong. I stuffed my emotions down, telling myself [and my mother told me the same thing, meaning well] that I had to be strong for my daughter. And, there is a certain reality that you must go on. I needed to emotionally and financially support my daughter. I may have lost my husband, but she lost her Daddy, and because she was so young, I needed to create memories for her. I concentrated everything on my daughter and I got lost in the process. My daughter and I had to move in with my parents because I was facing astronomical medical bills [multiple heart attacks and two open heart surgeries in a year and a half], and over 50 years later, I have the vivid memory of locking myself in their bathroom, with a pillow to cover the sound of my sobbing. This is not the way to get through grief. I don't think you ever completely get over the loss of a loved one, but because I did so many thing wrongs, I still have an unusual amount of pain. So again, the best advice that I can give you is to get help getting through with this.
My heart is crying fo you. 🥲
❣️P

I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. While I don’t personally know what you are going through, I lost my youngest brother when he was 29 4 years after we had lost my dad. I remember my mom telling me it was hard to lose her parents. When we lost my dad, it was really hard for her. But you don’t expect to outlive your children. Even though my mom had other living children, I don’t think she ever got over that. I’m so glad you signed in, as there is wonderful support on this board, but I would recommend talking to your doctor for some available resources. When my dad died, I was only 26 and I was trying to e strong for everyone but me. Then I started putting on weight. I went to my doctor and he kindly told me your dad wouldn’t want you to let your health go. It sounds like you and your son were close and he would want you you to find peace with this. I know words are not sufficient, so I am sending prayers, hugs and love your way. Keep us posted with your journey. We care.

joraelliott @joraelliott

The are no words for the sudden loss of your son. Everyone grieves different and grief has no time limit.

You may of heard of 5 stages of grief. They do not occur in sequence and sometimes you repeat a stage multiple times. When my sister died about this time last year, I was in anger stage very long.
• Denial.
• Anger.
• Bargaining.
• Depression.
• Acceptance.

To read more about stages of grief, see:
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief/
This Mayo Health System article about "7 Steps for Managing Grief and Loss" gives some advice / techniques that may help.
https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/7-steps-for-managing-grief-and-loss/?linkId=11214254&fbclid=IwAR1QcRMZtd5tUuO4wPaIG9N7uTVnoquKFO4-alORNuNdgweRmg3DpXF7c2o
If your spiritual, I suggest talking to a clergy. You mentioned no support groups in your area, maybe you could find an online group. Also, as someone else suggested, visit with your doctor about resources. He may suggest an anti-depression or anxiety medication temporarily to help you get through this tough time. I talked to a therapist about my sister's death. Seeing your husband is dealing with it different then you, a therapist might be good options for someone to talk to.

Take care of yourself
Laurie

I have no advice but I do want to say that I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. You are in my prayers

@joraelliott there are no words. That’s what I told friends when my 45 year old daughter suddenly died. They stammered to console me with their words, but they didn’t know how. Nothing anyone said or did made the pain go away for anyone in the family. Her 3 children were spinning in disbelief.

I’m so sorry for the pain you and your husband are going through now. There are no words I can use to make it better.

My saving grace is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my strength and He comforts my soul. With my faith, I am able to have everything I need.
Three grandchildren lost their mother 5 years ago. I cry for them, not myself.
However, they have grown into wonderful people and their father is the very best.

The first Christmas she was gone, I bought a tall, red, candlestick holder with a fat white candle. I placed it in the middle of the dining table, and told her kids that it represented the spirit of mom. I let one light the candle, and another one extinguish it at the end of dinner. We continue the tradition every year.

Time. Give yourself all the time you need and don’t compare yourself to anyone else. He was your child, and you deserve to feel your feelings.

Blessings on you and your husband.

@joraelliott Your pain and other normal symptoms can be indescribable. Consider working with a psychology therapist and/or a spiritual director as as been suggested. I use both in addition to a grief group. We all process our losses differently. If you are interested in the science told in a compelling way, consider reading The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Connor published in February 2022. To get a feel for it you can download the introduction and more via Kindle. What you have done here, reaching out to others, is a good step,

My heart goes out to you and your husband. Blessings.

what a tragic loss. my sympathy and prayers.
Other people here have posted better replies. I think they have good advice.
so sorry

There is an old saying; we are supposed to lose our parents, we aren't suppose to lose a child. I can't imagine the pain and grief. The only thing close is having old dogs put down, one hurt so bad I simply couldn't take it. A child of thirty years, that I gave birth to, nursed, raised and watched grow? incomprehensible...Be careful with the marriage, the self-blame, loss, trauma, can divide even strong couples. Be and walk very, very, gentle, with your on self.

Lewis

@joraelliott, while I know this is a support group you never wanted to join, I'm glad you found us and welcome you with virtual open arms. I have moved your post to this existing discussion:
- I am trying to deal with the loss of our only child https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-am-trying-to-deal-with-the-loss-of-our-only-child-richard/

I did this so you can connect with other members like @dwlowrance @team4travis @rosez @georgette12 @holly56 @harriethodgson1 and more who know the pain of losing a child first hand. They can walk with you, guide you or offer a listening ear.

Jora, how are you doing today? What would you like to share about your dear momma's boy?