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Relationships: How do you form and maintain them when ill?
How does a sick person form, and maintain, healthy and sustainable relationships with others, platonic and non-platonic?
The human existence baffles me. I enjoy observing and studying it. It brings up a lot of questions.
Being introverted, and having been raised by a parent that had a pathological level of introversion, I have settled into a “fly on the wall” kind of existence. This frees you up to pay attention to what and who is around you. It makes me ask so many questions, most of them being “why” or “how” questions.
I understand that we are social beings, we are built that way. I also understand that our social interactions can have negative or positive effects or both.
I have seen compassion fatigue, I have seen burnout, and I have seen resentment come from a place where love and care formerly was.
So how does a sick person form and sustain healthy relationships? Healthy for both parties. Where do we draw the line between accepting care and love from someone dear to your, and taking or asking too much from a person?
I am drained and exhausted by all this, and I have had a lifetime of experience with this, what will it do to a person new to it? Will it not crush the person? How do I know that 2 or 5 years from now, this person won’t look at me and think that I robbed them of their youth? Is it fair to ask any of this of a person? The hospital visits, the in-hospital stays, the up and down over medication, insurance etc, the pain, the insomnia, the cancelled dates and activities, the not being able to get out of bed, the needing help with cleaning and cooking and errands. It seems more like a “you love me, and now you must pay for my care” situation, with the payment being in many forms (financial, time, energy, etc). How do you do that? Offload ‘too much’ on a person in the name of love? How do you exist in a dynamic in which you are the sun and therefore life must revolve around you? How do you take care of the other person? What can you offer or give in place of all that you are taking and all that you cannot do? Aren’t relationships supposed to be two-way streets?
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Hi Ginger,
It is good that your lupus is fairly mild. Has it always been that way?
How is your kidney function, 'adequate' or do you need dialysis?
Tabitha
Good afternoon in Zambia, Tabitha. Thank you for your response and I am so happy to see that you are writing books. I suspect that all of them will sell and if published in English I will buy them. The diary of sorts should be very popular as you are in the most unusual of circumstances both due to your nationality and your health issues. Your thoughts and practices regarding dating are spot on. Never let anyone pick you up at your home on a first date is rule number one.
With regard to the US there are of course small towns not fraught with racism such as those that may be found in Mississippi, South and North Carolina, Louisiana, Georgia - maybe, and of course those found in the cold weather states such as Montana, Wyoming, etc.. Here in the Sarasota/Bradenton area we are strangled with traffic, rudeness, corrupt local government regarding building permits. Seems as though everyone from the North want to live here because of the weather and taxes and it is out of control not to mention most of them are not neighborly. We are trying to leave but may not succeed.
I understand regarding your rersearch and need to stay where you are and hope that you can move forward with expediency respecting your need for income and health insurance issues. I will stop for now as I have a few household jobs to handle and must discuss with my husband some issues regarding moving. I will be back on line later.
Are you on Facebook? Do you you have that is Africa. It is a wonderful social site where one can speak their minds for the most part. If someone is way out of line the comment is censored as it should be. I am on there with a photo of me with my youngest pup Peyton. Many heartwarming stories can be found there...some are manufactured I am sure but interesting non the less. I hope you have that there. It is another way to communicate. It is not, however, a health site such as this.
I do not know what poetry-adjacent books means nor does my husband. ???
Enjoy your afternoon. It is 10:30 a.m. here. Judith
@buzz23 Tabitha, I read in your one post that you are a writer, and that certainly comes out as you communicate with us! You have a lot to give to this world, and I look forward to seeing your accomplishments. Having two books in progress can be so rewarding.
As to relationships, there is nothing wrong with wanting to know as much as possible about someone before going out with them. You need to feel safe, and comfortable. It would be a difficult job to relax into the situation, if you feel always on guard. Am I right?
You asked about my kidney function. Actually, I am on daily dialysis. In 2014 I was diagnosed with an ultra-rare autoimmune kidney disorder. There have been less than 50 people ever diagnosed with it. It causes a collagen buildup in the filtering components of my kidneys, and have succeeded in just about shutting them down. But I live each day gratefully.
Ginger
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1 ReactionHi Judith,
How are you? And how is your husband?
The books will definitely be in English, it is my first language, and my most fluent one. My french can be serviceable at times, but is not sufficient for free expression. The diary of sorts is entitled "Diary of a Bedazzled Unicorn", because I am a bedazzled unicorn. From the paediatric lupus, surviving so long with it, having aggressive disease but still being alive, my fierce independence, my strong insistence on standing on my own two feet, graduating university when I was told I would fail to get my undergraduate degree, the way my mind works, how I see the world, the father who raised me, the losses I have known, the love I give, the love I have received, my unique voice. I could go on all night. The point is, there is nothing like me.
I am very protective of my home. Even the people I work with don't know my , only 3 know where it is. If I had a date, I would drive myself there. That also helps if I suddenly need or want to live.
The guys on the apps say they are sapiosexual, they go quest when I ask questions, simple questions, nothing along the lines of the unified field theory.
Thank you, I will look into those places when I sit down to plan.
Yes, I need to be here for now. Research wise, I need to be here, at least for the data collection. Sometimes, research assistants 'manufacture' data. I need to be very hands on. Then later, for the finances. I think with time, and extra planning, I can start getting my ducks in a row next year.
Yes, I am on Facebook. Africa has all social media and has proper internet facilities. It is good for storing pictures and memories, and for keeping in tough and up to date with people you are not very close to.
I don't know how to explain poetry-adjacent, I can show you a few pieces off the top of my head. Then show you the ones I find to be spot on later.
7 hours ahead. I wonder if i would sleep better in a place that is & hours behind my time zone because I sleep very late.
Hi. I am not in a position to "talk" with you at the moment but will be tomorrow. How do I find you on Facebook, please? We can be friend on that site. Thanks and a bientot pour mete now. Is that correct? Ciao for now.
Judith
I have found 4 pieces that are a good reflection of the book, not the diary of sorts. The Hela piece, for instance, is poetry adjacent.
Lovely.....tomorrow, Tabatha.
Hi Ginger,
Thank you for the kind words. I really enjoy writing. And I tend to write more when I ma busy and very active. The ideas come naturally, so does their development. I look forward to publishing my writing. If it achieves one thing only, I want that thing to be that we should bare ourselves more often and put our masks away.
I need to feel safe, it has to be a public place with open and easy access (not a restaurant in the woods or in a valley), I am not trying to get killed. I know how I want to die, and that is not it. Unfortunately, I understand my former therapist's point. I am cursed with having a brain that insists on exploring and completely thinking through both sides of the coin. I am that person who will disagree and argue out a point with myself for half an hour (lol). Her point was that yes, a person I don't have background information on can turn out to not be a good person, but so can the person that I have a lot of background info on. Also, that random person I don't know well could turn out to be everything I need, and perhaps more. I will never know, if I don't try. Also, a comfort zone is a wonderful place, but nothing grows there.
Are you on peritoneal or haemo-dialysis? Have you been on it since 2014? What is your average day like?
How do you cultivate gratitude?
Not a problem. Respond when you are able to.
Full name is Tabitha Nkhata on Facebook.
A bientot pour maintenent. Bonne nuit.