You are totally right . I am smothering him . I am so afraid of the unknown since he has cancer but doctors told him to live his life and if when and if their is time to do something then we will face it . His tumor is very rare and it’s very scary for me and in a really bad place. We have not been sick this entire time since COVID began and I know our time is up and now knowing he has cancer too. You are right in every word you said . I do love him
so much and I have awful
guilt inside . He wanted to move and I just could
not do it . I am
just so darn scared . I am scared of his cancer and so
much more .
It’s so easy to lose focus of ourselves when we are deeply immersed in caregiving. I was that way when caring for my mom and after she passed it took me a long time to stop foundering and get my footing again. A similar thing happened to my husband when my AML/bone marrow transplant odyssey pretty much monopolized both of our lives for a good year and a half. When the crisis had passed i found myself returning to my many hobbies and activities which make me whole. But it was a challenge for him to change focus from me, and like I said, I felt smothered. So my daughter and I encouraged him to renew his hobbies and personal interests; To get out more, do some biking and kayaking. Once he began resuming activities with his friends and getting his creative juices flowing, his focus wasn’t so intent on me anymore! It was wonderful for both of us to return to a more normal existence…my medical issues faded into the background and we both ‘recovered’ from my ordeal.
You’ve done an outstanding job as a caregiver for your husband, but you also have to allow yourself to live your life too! Couples can be devoted to each other but to be healthy in the partnership, both members need to grow and flourish. I know you’re scared but it’s unhealthy to live with “what ifs”… that constant worry robs you of precious time and creates stress.
May I ask what your life was like before your husband’s cancer journey? Do you have any hobbies or outside interests which could help give you some much needed distraction and perhaps help you re-direct some of your focus from your husband?
Thank you for your response . I wish my family and friend’s were like you . My husband as cancer , even though the doctors have said he is not immune compromised. He has a lot of issues from two major brain surgeries this year for removal of a chondrosacroma tumor at the base of his skull. Also a piece was left inside of him , cancerous , because it was to close to his curated artery and he is monitored. He has no fear of COVID or any other illness . I have extreme anxiety and fear the worst . I will eat outside . We have many family gatherings coming up
because of the Jewish holiday’s approaching. He wants to attend and have a life . I have made him live in a bubble for so long but I can’t anymore . He won’t mask 😷 at work . I mask everywhere. He does not fear any illnesses because he has cancer and wants to live and gets mad at me . All of my family and his agree with him . I take meds and do talk therapy but nothing can take away my fears of his cancer and illness’s.
very very sorry to hear this. I am also from a Jewish background. My wife used to work for UJA in NYC. I am definitely not ok with some of the Jewish response to COVID.
From my point of view, political people have manipulated religious life and theology itself.
They have injected political views into the religious community.
So, I feel no obligation to obey their ideas. To my mind, their ideas directly conflict with the teachings of Moses and the Torah. And that is always consistent with common sense, caution, safety and caring.
Every single person with a major illness has some level of being immune compromised. It is just basic common sense.
I got COVID in Jan 2022. It was a nightmare. I came close to having to go to the hospital. If I went, I am confident that I would never have survived.
I am immune compromised from a variety of medical problems. I think all immune compromised people have to be cautious.
So, you are completely correct about being concerned about your husband's condition.
As far as how to resolve it? I can't see any easy solutions there.
Anyone who does not have fears in your situation, is not dealing with reality. Some level of fear is always going to exist. We are not robots.
All we can do is do our best and hope for the best.
In area where I live in the past week on close highway driver going over 152 kph in 100 kph zone age 41; another 158 in 90 days later age 20; over 133 kmh in 80 kmh zone age18 and 165 kph in 100 zone age 19 - all they get is 30 day drivers licence suspension and vehicle impounded for 14 days, unclear if they still have to go to court but doubt it..... So yes, more aggressive drivers since covid so why not up the penalty? Road rage also increasing, very scary.
I am 62 years old. When I was a kid and we would drive down to the shore, we would pass anywhere from, oh, maybe 3 to 10 police cars. Now, I rarely see any. That is what we need, more police cars on the road, regulating traffic. They have just cut the funding for police to do this. It is an extremely unwise thing to do.
Sorry about the dangerous driving in your area.
My wife has taken to leaving work very early in the morning. At 6AM, instead of 8AM. The drivers are just too hostile and dangerous (and abusive).
So many sides to the covid story....I was already isolated due to ill physical and mental health so continued to rarely go anyway. Also I made the decision to wear a mask and how other felt about it they could go fly a kite. Husband has had cancer and heart surgery and took every precaution he could and still wears a mask in grocery store and pharmacy etc. He usually is the type of person who is "in denial" but last stay in hospital duirng covid with no visitors and food barely edible, out of town too, he does not want to face that again if avoidable. Why someone else wearing a mask would upset anyone is behond my comprehension. Mandatory masking is another issue and hope we don't face that again. Now in Canada we dont have to report if we get it; dont have to test ourselves etc., it is going to be a fragile situation should things get so bad again - and the statistics of course represent the death of many loved ones not just a number.
My social worker who I zoom with twice a month has noticed a huge change with many of her clients too since covid and some who were laid off still dont have employment.
Many people working at jobs from home - which is something we might have wished years ago - but have lost the connection with fellow employees - isolated.
Also couples or family members working from home - sometimes the break going out to work and then enjoying each others company in evenings and weekends, now together 24/7 doesn't always work well. Fear of the winter starting already two of our local places - one Seniors apartments the other Seniors supportive housing both have outbreaks right now. So out come the masks again. Spouse has had triple bypass surgery etc. so has worn a mast to the grocery store or pharmacist all summer but not many people are. Talking about this the other day and man professionals, eg doctors, got used to working from home and now seems hours at their office have shrunk... I think it affected everyone in a small or big way: and how is it for those whose family member/s died - they are a statistic to us all but it was someone they loved.
Thanks so much for your post!
With so many fires, floods, war and, well you name it...this nasty, contagious, COVID made us isolate, and bring fear in so many different ways. Now people cannot let themselves rely on their friends, often family, co-workers, neighbors, you name it and because it COULD BE DANGEROUS! Let's give each other a break. Times are so different, fear is a game changer.
It is a different time, a tough time in many, many ways. I am NOT telling you anything you don't know. I am just bringing it up because it would be helpful for us to remind ourselves that it is fear. People DO care, but people are afraid. We are, and should be cautious. When you are NOT wearing a mask, SMILE.
Thanks so much for your post!
With so many fires, floods, war and, well you name it...this nasty, contagious, COVID made us isolate, and bring fear in so many different ways. Now people cannot let themselves rely on their friends, often family, co-workers, neighbors, you name it and because it COULD BE DANGEROUS! Let's give each other a break. Times are so different, fear is a game changer.
It is a different time, a tough time in many, many ways. I am NOT telling you anything you don't know. I am just bringing it up because it would be helpful for us to remind ourselves that it is fear. People DO care, but people are afraid. We are, and should be cautious. When you are NOT wearing a mask, SMILE.
Thanks so much for your post!
With so many fires, floods, war and, well you name it...this nasty, contagious, COVID made us isolate, and bring fear in so many different ways. Now people cannot let themselves rely on their friends, often family, co-workers, neighbors, you name it and because it COULD BE DANGEROUS! Let's give each other a break. Times are so different, fear is a game changer.
It is a different time, a tough time in many, many ways. I am NOT telling you anything you don't know. I am just bringing it up because it would be helpful for us to remind ourselves that it is fear. People DO care, but people are afraid. We are, and should be cautious. When you are NOT wearing a mask, SMILE.
I am just staying close to my family. People seem to be rude and angry. I believe it’s a result of the breakdown of family and being locked down by government which is totally out of control.
Hi aja1958,
You are so right! People do seem to be rude and angry. I think it is like you said, because of the lockdown by the government and the breakdown of the family. When you run into rude and angry people, just ignore them or smile and say, "I hope things get better for you." Staying close to your family is the best thing you can do at this time. That and pray constantly. In the book of Ephesians in the King James Version of the Bible it states to take on the armor of God and pray fervently during the evil day. (This isn't the exact quote.) I can't help but think we are definitely living in the "evil day." Just ask God to direct you and he will. My husband has lung cancer and we pray several times a day. Our prayers get answered too. It is so reassuring to have God in your life when we are all living through so much stress!
God bless you and your family!
PML
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It’s so easy to lose focus of ourselves when we are deeply immersed in caregiving. I was that way when caring for my mom and after she passed it took me a long time to stop foundering and get my footing again. A similar thing happened to my husband when my AML/bone marrow transplant odyssey pretty much monopolized both of our lives for a good year and a half. When the crisis had passed i found myself returning to my many hobbies and activities which make me whole. But it was a challenge for him to change focus from me, and like I said, I felt smothered. So my daughter and I encouraged him to renew his hobbies and personal interests; To get out more, do some biking and kayaking. Once he began resuming activities with his friends and getting his creative juices flowing, his focus wasn’t so intent on me anymore! It was wonderful for both of us to return to a more normal existence…my medical issues faded into the background and we both ‘recovered’ from my ordeal.
You’ve done an outstanding job as a caregiver for your husband, but you also have to allow yourself to live your life too! Couples can be devoted to each other but to be healthy in the partnership, both members need to grow and flourish. I know you’re scared but it’s unhealthy to live with “what ifs”… that constant worry robs you of precious time and creates stress.
May I ask what your life was like before your husband’s cancer journey? Do you have any hobbies or outside interests which could help give you some much needed distraction and perhaps help you re-direct some of your focus from your husband?
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1 Reactionvery very sorry to hear this. I am also from a Jewish background. My wife used to work for UJA in NYC. I am definitely not ok with some of the Jewish response to COVID.
From my point of view, political people have manipulated religious life and theology itself.
They have injected political views into the religious community.
So, I feel no obligation to obey their ideas. To my mind, their ideas directly conflict with the teachings of Moses and the Torah. And that is always consistent with common sense, caution, safety and caring.
Every single person with a major illness has some level of being immune compromised. It is just basic common sense.
I got COVID in Jan 2022. It was a nightmare. I came close to having to go to the hospital. If I went, I am confident that I would never have survived.
I am immune compromised from a variety of medical problems. I think all immune compromised people have to be cautious.
So, you are completely correct about being concerned about your husband's condition.
As far as how to resolve it? I can't see any easy solutions there.
Anyone who does not have fears in your situation, is not dealing with reality. Some level of fear is always going to exist. We are not robots.
All we can do is do our best and hope for the best.
Do take care now.
I am 62 years old. When I was a kid and we would drive down to the shore, we would pass anywhere from, oh, maybe 3 to 10 police cars. Now, I rarely see any. That is what we need, more police cars on the road, regulating traffic. They have just cut the funding for police to do this. It is an extremely unwise thing to do.
Sorry about the dangerous driving in your area.
My wife has taken to leaving work very early in the morning. At 6AM, instead of 8AM. The drivers are just too hostile and dangerous (and abusive).
So many sides to the covid story....I was already isolated due to ill physical and mental health so continued to rarely go anyway. Also I made the decision to wear a mask and how other felt about it they could go fly a kite. Husband has had cancer and heart surgery and took every precaution he could and still wears a mask in grocery store and pharmacy etc. He usually is the type of person who is "in denial" but last stay in hospital duirng covid with no visitors and food barely edible, out of town too, he does not want to face that again if avoidable. Why someone else wearing a mask would upset anyone is behond my comprehension. Mandatory masking is another issue and hope we don't face that again. Now in Canada we dont have to report if we get it; dont have to test ourselves etc., it is going to be a fragile situation should things get so bad again - and the statistics of course represent the death of many loved ones not just a number.
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1 ReactionThanks so much for your post!
With so many fires, floods, war and, well you name it...this nasty, contagious, COVID made us isolate, and bring fear in so many different ways. Now people cannot let themselves rely on their friends, often family, co-workers, neighbors, you name it and because it COULD BE DANGEROUS! Let's give each other a break. Times are so different, fear is a game changer.
It is a different time, a tough time in many, many ways. I am NOT telling you anything you don't know. I am just bringing it up because it would be helpful for us to remind ourselves that it is fear. People DO care, but people are afraid. We are, and should be cautious. When you are NOT wearing a mask, SMILE.
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2 ReactionsI just have to add, even when we are wearing a mask, we need to smile! It’s reflected in our eyes. ☺️
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4 ReactionsI think there is a word for smiling with your eyes Lori - Smize: https://youtu.be/rQNmshlCM5I
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4 ReactionsSmize!! A verb!! Thanks @johnbishop I’m smizing right now. ☺️
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4 ReactionsI agree with you. I am so upset.
Hi aja1958,
You are so right! People do seem to be rude and angry. I think it is like you said, because of the lockdown by the government and the breakdown of the family. When you run into rude and angry people, just ignore them or smile and say, "I hope things get better for you." Staying close to your family is the best thing you can do at this time. That and pray constantly. In the book of Ephesians in the King James Version of the Bible it states to take on the armor of God and pray fervently during the evil day. (This isn't the exact quote.) I can't help but think we are definitely living in the "evil day." Just ask God to direct you and he will. My husband has lung cancer and we pray several times a day. Our prayers get answered too. It is so reassuring to have God in your life when we are all living through so much stress!
God bless you and your family!
PML
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