Relationships: How do you form and maintain them when ill?

Posted by buzz23 @buzz23, Sep 7, 2023

How does a sick person form, and maintain, healthy and sustainable relationships with others, platonic and non-platonic?
The human existence baffles me. I enjoy observing and studying it. It brings up a lot of questions.
Being introverted, and having been raised by a parent that had a pathological level of introversion, I have settled into a “fly on the wall” kind of existence. This frees you up to pay attention to what and who is around you. It makes me ask so many questions, most of them being “why” or “how” questions.
I understand that we are social beings, we are built that way. I also understand that our social interactions can have negative or positive effects or both.
I have seen compassion fatigue, I have seen burnout, and I have seen resentment come from a place where love and care formerly was.
So how does a sick person form and sustain healthy relationships? Healthy for both parties. Where do we draw the line between accepting care and love from someone dear to your, and taking or asking too much from a person?
I am drained and exhausted by all this, and I have had a lifetime of experience with this, what will it do to a person new to it? Will it not crush the person? How do I know that 2 or 5 years from now, this person won’t look at me and think that I robbed them of their youth? Is it fair to ask any of this of a person? The hospital visits, the in-hospital stays, the up and down over medication, insurance etc, the pain, the insomnia, the cancelled dates and activities, the not being able to get out of bed, the needing help with cleaning and cooking and errands. It seems more like a “you love me, and now you must pay for my care” situation, with the payment being in many forms (financial, time, energy, etc). How do you do that? Offload ‘too much’ on a person in the name of love? How do you exist in a dynamic in which you are the sun and therefore life must revolve around you? How do you take care of the other person? What can you offer or give in place of all that you are taking and all that you cannot do? Aren’t relationships supposed to be two-way streets?

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@buzz23

It sounds like a life well lived Judith, not many people can say that about their lives. Living and moving on when it is time to do so takes a lot of courage. Continue being brave.
I want to start with short trips locally, and build upwards from there. I have 2 tentative trips planned for the end of this year. I will also need to find travel buddies at various points. I am really looking forward to it.
My father had a huge family and he often went visiting his relatives, I usually went with him so i got to do some travelling as a child, till my dad died. I need to resurrect that habit.

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Do you have any friends who would or could accompany you financially or are you in a position to pay their way on a trip or two or three?

When you locally what do you mean? In what state do you live and where would you love to go for a visit or live for that matter?

If you have a job could you move? That would be a big change if you are any part of a risk taker. I am adventurous and a risk taker and someone with whom nobody messes with. Yikes I sould like a shrew and I am not. I try to do something nice for someone daily if I am out of the house...if I am in I try to make my husband laugh or at least grin. Life is short and we are in the Winter of our lives so we do what we want for the most part and that includes loving our two Cavalier King Charles pups.

Judith

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@buzz23

Love really is immortality.
It is doable and a realistic goal, the how-to is the issue. I have noticed that some men get offended me having already met the love of my life. I suppose they envision themselves being that for someone.
I tried Tinder and it scarred me. In retrospect, that was not the right thing to try. Which dating service did you use? I am glad that worked out well. There really are some great people out there.

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Hi. I think it was "Senior Meet". I am sure that was the one. We met and married within three months...no time for "courting". LOL

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@buzz23

I am working on this. I give so much and get to invested so extricating myself if difficult, but I am working on it.
I recently walked away from someone who is not good for me. It has been hard, but I am very proud of myself for removing myself from a situation that was bad for me.

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Good for you, buzz. Are you a Lady or a Gentleman if you don't mind my asking.

Judith

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Yes. Relationships must be a two way street. True love means thru thick and thin and until death do us part...and after that as well. You are ill and I understand having cared for someone who's days were become short. Don't be afraid and take affection and love where you can find it, my friend.

I have not been on this site for a bit and will stay with you if you have questions or just "Want to Talk". Okay?

Judith

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@buzz23

Thank you for sharing.
In what ways were you able to share when you were very ill? Was it enough? (Also, how are we defining enough?)
It is good that you are there for the people in your life.
I try to be there for the few people that I love. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. When I fail, it crushes me. The people in my life are understanding and don't complain, but it bothers me.

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When I couldn’t do anything physically for my friends and family, I made sure that I let them talk about their lives, asked questions that were focused on them and not me. I know my husband was very overwhelmed by the burden of caring for me when I could barely get up to go to the bathroom by myself. I listened to him vent. I tried to imagine what it was like for him to have so much on his shoulders. He knew that was all I could do and he didn’t want to burden me more than I was burdened with the fight for my life.

When I began to get out of bed, I started cooking meals in a crockpot. It was so simple to just throw everything into a pot and let it cook. I had so sit down every few minutes to rest, but I felt good about doing something tangible for my family.

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@buzz23

I don't know if there are conclusive answers to these questions. Sometimes, asking the question and pondering over it is enough.
Are you able to do some "light" socialising?
I am very introverted, and that makes things worse because on the days when I have a bit of energy to, for example, go out for a meal, I would rather get the food and eat it at home. This does not help matters.
I like the cup theory: we each have a finite amount of ourselves (time, energy, care, love) that we can pour out to other people. What do you do if there isn't anything for you to pour into another person's cup, or they pour 20 gallons out for you and you don't have as much as half a gallon?

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Cup theory, "spoon" theory, I get it.
My light "socializing" now takes the form of walking with my neighbor and her dog... On a good day.
I've had invitations to dinners and such. Unfortunately, dizziness & vertigo are ever-present, not fixable, and make even the briefest interactions quite a challenge.
Thanks for your response! Take care of yourself.

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@mir123

You are kind to ask--and I feel for you in your circumstances. Also, you do seem to be handling it well. I have a "committee" that helps me make all my cancer treatment & care decisions--husband, grown daughter, best friend. They are close to each other but have different perspectives. I'm guessing that when I get really sick I'll go pretty quickly, as I don't intend to treat beyond hospice. I've also got a less formal direct care group--neighbor, rabbi, friend who is a hospice nurse. I figure my household can manage short term with that and maybe hired help, and I have also set up a delivery laundry service. But if my decline drags on I'm in favor of assisted living near-by. My husband is totally against that. However, I've said it is a fine option with me. We had a close friend we cared for in hospice within assisted living--she had no family so a group of friends (many from former workplace) spent 6 months taking shifts most of the day. But she had meals, meds, linens provided by institution. My friends pension plus social covered the cost and I'm in a similar situation. As you can probably tell, I'm a worst case scenario person. Hope this in't too negative a response...but have given it some thought. Hope things are going well for you today!

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You have what I call a "King Arthur's round table", that's great.
May I ask what stage you are? And if you will receive treatment? Have you made peace with the situation?
It is an honest response, I'll take honesty over anything any day.

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@olderdiva12345

Do you have any friends who would or could accompany you financially or are you in a position to pay their way on a trip or two or three?

When you locally what do you mean? In what state do you live and where would you love to go for a visit or live for that matter?

If you have a job could you move? That would be a big change if you are any part of a risk taker. I am adventurous and a risk taker and someone with whom nobody messes with. Yikes I sould like a shrew and I am not. I try to do something nice for someone daily if I am out of the house...if I am in I try to make my husband laugh or at least grin. Life is short and we are in the Winter of our lives so we do what we want for the most part and that includes loving our two Cavalier King Charles pups.

Judith

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With the right amount of planning, there is a friend who could accompany me, and another that could come along but I would have to pay for. The first trip will be taken alone. It is short, and I'll be visiting family. Once I decide the length of the second trip, I can see if I can cover the cost for a second person.
I mean in my country, without crossing a border. I am not in the US, I am in Africa. I am openminded about the destination, for me the joy is in the trip itself and being in a place I have not yet been. I started learning French and I fell in love with the language, I would love to visit France. Not the tourist places, a small town somewhere with beautiful sunsets and fresh air. I would LOVE to see the Northen Lights. If there was a Genies for lupus patients, that's what I would use my trip on.
I have a job. Theoretically, I could move, but it would have to be to a place with a rheumatologist and other health services I need. That is what has kept me in the city I have been working in the 4 years. I would love to be in a smaller, quiet place with less people.

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@olderdiva12345

Do you have any friends who would or could accompany you financially or are you in a position to pay their way on a trip or two or three?

When you locally what do you mean? In what state do you live and where would you love to go for a visit or live for that matter?

If you have a job could you move? That would be a big change if you are any part of a risk taker. I am adventurous and a risk taker and someone with whom nobody messes with. Yikes I sould like a shrew and I am not. I try to do something nice for someone daily if I am out of the house...if I am in I try to make my husband laugh or at least grin. Life is short and we are in the Winter of our lives so we do what we want for the most part and that includes loving our two Cavalier King Charles pups.

Judith

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I want to study for my PhD in a different country, then decide whether to live there or go to an entirely different country afterwards.
Adventurous and a risk taker, no wonder I called you brave. We need more of such people. Most of us live rather dull lives. No, you don't sound like a shrew.
You, your husband, and your pups are lucky to have each other.
Sometimes people have an immortality complex and don't make the most out of life.

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@olderdiva12345

Hi. I think it was "Senior Meet". I am sure that was the one. We met and married within three months...no time for "courting". LOL

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I don't think they would let me onto Senior Meet, I am a little underage.
Life is short. If you both know that's what you want, why wait?

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