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I'm very supportive, but she doesn't want it
I have read multiple people on the forum talk about a significant other not taking the reality of long Covid seriously. I have the exact opposite issue, and I feel so alone in it and do not know what further to do. My girlfriend was very conscientious to get all vaccines and boosters. She went to a family funeral before Christmas and was worried she would still get Covid because she knew a lot of her relatives did not get vaccinated. And it happened. And it became horrible. She has coughed so much that she has lost her voice and actually cracked two ribs. She is asleep practically any minute she is at home. She gets up and goes to work to keep her health insurance, but she really needs to rest a long time. I offered to move her to my place and pay for her insurance and let her rest. No. Okay, that's a big life decision. But here's the thing: I actually love her more and have been so intentional to try to show it in every way you could imagine. I don't think I should deserve to be with this incredible woman when she gets better if I can't stay with her now. We are not married, but I am completely about "in sickness and in health." But she is not. She not only does not return love of any kind, but far worse: she does not want my love and tells me so. It is so baffling that she would not want a healthy resource and support that requires nothing from her. It is not like her in the least. She will occasionally say she appreciates me but not directly that she loves me, and this woman's love completely turned around my life after a horrible previous marriage. I am so loyal to her, so good to her, and I know she's in hell. But my feelings matter too, and I feel so alone that I am really about to lose my psychological balance. And I fear she will never love me again like we had even if she gets better, and certainly even now I probably need to start acting as if I never expect her to do so. I am beyond devastated. I don't know if her reaction is because the disease is short circuiting things in her, if her lifelong habit has been to handle things only by herself when in crisis mode or what, but she so obviously needs what I so freely give, and yet she spurns it. No amount of encouragement, reminder of great memories, loyalty, singing to her, praying for her, humor, flirting, anything does any good whatsoever. Am I the only one who has been turned away by a significant other with long Covid? I need someone to talk to because she won't or can't. But I can't just leave her. Even if she deals with this the rest of her life, we both agreed our destiny was together forever, and I take that seriously. I just want her to say how she doesn't know what she would do without me or how my love helps keep her going. But no. If she addresses it at all, she says she does not and cannot even think about "us." My birthday last was last week. On it, she always makes me feel so good, so lucky. I got a text: Big hugs on your special day. Really? That's what you might say to a niece, not a partner. No love, not even a memory of affection. I read last year's card just to tell myself this is who she was. But it's looking like who she was may be forever gone. I want to stay forever. I want to hear her tell me how she wanted to say how much she loved me but was held back by the disease. I want her to tell me I'm the best man in the world. But I've given everything I have for almost 3/4 of a year, and I have not received the slightest affirmation of being her man. I will never say I am as damaged by this as she is, but even there, we used to talk about how terrible it is always to be told that someone else hurts more than you because it nullifies your truth, your needs, your humanity. But that is what has happened. I don't matter. Nothing I do matters. She doesn't even say she wishes she could do things with me. I don't know how to find my self-worth again because it was completely connected to her loving me.
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Just my opinion and in no way mean to make you or your girlfriend feel worse but From someone who has been living thru this hell alone for 3 years, I can tell you that she should be endlessly grateful to you for standing by her. I’m sure she has ZERO energy to give but accepting someone’s love and help should be effortless.
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2 ReactionsCovid is like any other major change, it can hit relationships. My husband is very supportive by taking on tasks that my fatigue limits. He also gives me space when I need time to myself. It sounds like a lot of your focus has been on her, which is great that you are so supportive. Perhaps some time apart will allow you to focus on yourself and your needs. Sometimes relationships need resets, even long ones like ours. Illnesses can slap around and change people and their needs. Self worth can be rebuilt and it is good to focus on you.
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2 ReactionsThank you. That's what I thought too. There is no extra effort in being loved, but we all know it can be a huge difference in surviving and healing. I have asked my therapist, is it possible that the brain simply isn't sending my love onto the rest of her body as it normally would? I had long Covid, not nearly as severe as she, but bad enough, two years ago, and the thing I wanted every day was for her to say something loving, and she always did, and it always worked. But she never wants to talk about it. Today is the anniversary of our first kiss; it used to be the biggest of deals every year. Today, nothing. I know she has it on her calendar. And on my birthday, this follow-up text: "I apologize that I am not reciprocating." I have trusted her these many months that all her energy goes to her health, but this circles back to the main point: it shouldn't take any energy to be the beneficiary of someone else thinking you're worth everything. I salute you for facing long Covid alone. I wish I could say more than a good luck and God bless you to heal, but I won't neglect saying that.
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1 ReactionThe thing is, I have been practically forced to be out of a relationship for 3/4 of a year already, and there is no hint of reset. I was such a mental mess from my previous marriage, which included domestic violence against me, that there was no step of rebuilding my self-worth that my girlfriend did not patiently lead. But even if I take this hard time for trying to work on myself, she cannot do the same unless time itself pops our relationship back into focus/priority for her. I cannot fathom that she does not realize how important I have already been to her survival, and how important I would continue to be. It hurts so badly to think the only solution left is to let her feel life without my support for a while. These are unprecedented circumstances that require unprecedented gambles. Nothing I ever saw prepared me for this. I feel so sorry for her. The last time I asked her to describe her pain on a scale of 1 to 10, she said 13. Some breakthrough, any sign at all, would be reason to celebrate.
I left a relationship more than 35 years ago; he was the first guy I ever dated. I basically lost myself focusing on him. There was emotional abuse and physical violence. It took time after I left him to rebuild my sense of self and self worth. You have helped her a great deal, with little in return. Based on my experience, you need to focus on yourself and your needs. Set boundaries. If she asks for help give her your time, but don't offer. You come first. What you need matters, you deserve to be treated well. It is her responsibility to take care of herself, just as yours is to you.
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1 ReactionI definitely know what emotional abuse is. That was my marriage. What I have now is not abuse but neglect. I just can't determine if it is excusable neglect...or if it matters as I have come to an emotionally low place and don't quite know how to get out since my usual rock is gone. I do agree I need some boundaries, but it's proving to be a challenge as my love and compassion usually take me right back to her for another round of indifference.
Whether it is intentional or not; part of her message is that she needs space. Time to onself is part of healing. Can your love and compassion be directed elsewhere until she has time to heal? Directed to you, hobbies and interests, volunteer work? The term "physician heal thyself" also applies to patients. It is hard to distance onself when they are stuck, but it does give new insights into ones life.
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1 ReactionYes, I suppose that is the message. But I've already given 3/4 of a year with no end in sight. That's a bit more than needing space. I am trying. It's just that nothing makes me happy like she did.
Sorry for your suffering, but you need to step back and deal with reality if you are going to be whole again. You are pursuing a woman who has repeatedly rejected you. More pressure is pushing her farther away and probably making her angry and even fearful. It is painful, but hear what she is telling you. Do not offer yourself to be used.
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1 ReactionThank you.