Forgiveness

I can tell that you were deeply affected by what your niece did, even though it doesn’t affect you directly. I also feel like the older I get, my reaction to what my loved ones sometimes do is deep sadness.

It’s hard to know how to process this feeling or where to go with it, since I personally can’t change anything. I like how you say it’s “up to God now”. I actively pray and give that person and what happened to God, and ask for wisdom to know how to interact with that person. It takes the burden off my shoulders and gives me peace. Praying for God’s wisdom and peace for you this morning!

Hi Frances, I can just feel the raw emotion through your words and I’m so sorry whatever your niece has done has impacted you so deeply. People don’t realize the collateral damage they can wreak by careless or thoughtless actions.
I tend to be an empath and there are times I feel so incensed or outraged when hearing about animal or child abuse, injustice against humanity, the senseless acts of war…well, you get the idea. Like you, I tend to focus on an activity which will distract and divert my thoughts. It needs to be something that requires my full attention. This allows the subconscious to process emotions behind the scenes while providing some incremental healing that has an instant reward…at least for a short time. I know emotions this strongly come in waves.
I’m hoping in time you’ll be able to forgive your niece but the old ‘forgive and forget’ doesn’t always ring true. It’s easier to forgive than to forget. Some emotions leave a forever impact.
You’re a very thoughtful person and the acts of kindness you extend to others is so heartwarming and shows the depth of your character. I’m glad to hear you’ve forgiven your friend for her comment the other day. That’s going a long way in helping ease your stress. Your sister will appreciate all you’re doing for her and I hope both of you can take consolation together and work through this painful time. Sending you one of my bear hugs.

I'm sorry for what sounds like a very difficult situation. I want to say that there is nothing wrong with anger--it is a valid emotion. You sound like you have good self control and won't express it inappropriately. The anger is fresh, but it will start to fade a bit and become more endurable. Your desire to help your sister, and some ordinary but soothing activities, should certainly help and be a good approach. Maybe try journaling the anger? Writing us here was a good idea, too. When I'm very angry I go out in my yard and break some old flower pots and dishes I don't use. It hurts no one, but I get to express myself. Giving the situation to a Higher Power or G-d or the universe can help too--so you are certainly on track. As a girl I was taught to never be angry, but as an old lady I don't mind it! Sometimes it leads me to work for justice or give charity--sometimes I just break some ugly dishes.

Hello Frances. You are clearly compassionate and understanding. You will certainly take care of your sister. However, to do so be certain to take care of yourself first.

All that activity you've engaged in is a diversion, so you won't think about what happened. You might want to find a place in or out of the house that is quiet, safe, restful. Sit down, lie down, or get in a neutral comfortable position. Close your eyes. Think about your actual upset in detail, if you can. Then think about a previous upset that this pulls a string on. Keep going to prior upsets until you get to the first of these that is the genesis for all the rest. You may not change the way you feel, but you may UNDERSTAND why you feel that way. It could be a eureka moment that helps you cope with the whatever your niece did. It may bring you some peace. The fact that you don't have a relationship with your niece probably says a lot about her and especially you.

Your sister, who you obviously care about, probably needs to talk. Sisters are important to each other, even after long absences. Be a good listener, first and foremost. Try not to judge or lecture. If she asks for advice, think of her interests first. Be honest with her. Try to guide her to be the decider. She may need you more than ever, and you may need her in the same way. There is strength in your relationship.

Try not to dismay. It is always darkest before the dawn. Think about a happy time and smile.

in reply to @loribmt Thank you very much for your kind words. I cannot at this time forgive my niece for what she has done because her act was so outrageous, senseless and completely irresponsible. When my sister initially told me what happened, she tried making excuses such as, "L is under a lot of stress and just found out she might lose her job." However, my niece already had another job offer in place, so the point was moot. There are no plausible excuses for what has happened, and the road to "recovery" will be long and paved with an insurmountable amount of grief.
I think I may have slept 3 hours last night. Woke up at 5, baked 4 dozen cookies, went grocery shopping for my neighbor and just finished cooking her a pound of bacon, which I abhor. I have spent some of the morning working on my cards, as I recently "unpressed" some very interesting leaves from my garden, and I think the combination of the leaves/flowers will be beautiful. The artwork helps me focus, as does the music I listen to, and last night I made a new playlist, "Late Night Music." I wear headphones, loud. I figure I am hearing impaired already so it does not matter if I turn the volume up, because this too helps me cope. Barbara Streisand is especially comforting, as is Carole King.

In any event, there are times I wish I were wired to sit still and just be in the moment, but I suppose my art fulfills that need. I feel so sad for my sister and my niece's family. In many ways I am glad that I do not have a relationship with any of my nieces or nephews, four kids total. I am not sure I would know how to comfort my niece because what happened really hit home with me because of the passion I have about certain things. I am unable to extend any empathy for my niece, presently, because what she did was especially shocking, bordering on criminal. Enough said.

If my sister wants to talk about this event later, I will listen and withhold any judgment I may have toward her daughter, as I know my sister alone is suffering enough. I actually thought this morning that it is probably better that her husband has dementia, because if he were able to grasp the nature of the situation, he too would be outraged.

Again, thank you for your kind and comforting words. I am exhausted, and hope to get some sleep this afternoon, even if that means not going over to my friend's place this evening. I think this may be one of those nights I stay home, as I really do need a break.

Hi Frances,
I'm sorry for what happened; I really like how you are putting yourself in your niece's shoes and doing what you can to make the situation better, and I think it's also good that you're staying busy and trying not to focus on what happened. I think that your anger is valid and shows that you care about your sister, your niece, and her family. I've been told that forgiveness is acknowledging to yourself that what was done was not okay, that you have reason to be angry, and then deciding that you still want the best for the person who did it anyway - basically separating what you want for the person who hurt you from your emotions about their actions - which it sounds like you're doing! I always struggle a lot when I get mad, but I know I've forgiven someone when I'm able to pray for them and really mean it.
Hope your situation improves. Hang in there and God bless!

in reply to @geekygirl9 Anger is an emotion I have struggled with my entire life, and for the first time I have not turned this anger inward as I have done in the past. Outside in my garden yesterday I admit that I practiced my first amendment rights, which I often do when I am angry, especially with my neighbor, and I found myself saying aloud:"Shame on her. This is so wrong on so many levels. I want to scream etc." Later in the shower, I think I did scream, and that was okay. I am dreading seeing my sister in about an hour or so, but will do my best not to say anything untoward to her, as I know she is really suffering over this mess her daughter has created. In many ways, I am sort of glad I am not a parent.

Sorry to hear that your anger has, for the moment, taken over an otherwise compassionate, kind nature. I too share this all too human weakness. All I can offer in comfort is a beautiful memory I woke up with last Saturday, when I too was struggling with forgiveness. 35 years I took a "serenity walk" with a friend in Honolulu, as a newcomer to Al-Anon. When I addressed the problem of judgmentalism in my personality, my friend offered a suggestion: If you don't judge people in the first place, Trudy, you won't need to forgive them." For many years I confused common sense & healthy boundaries with judgment. There is an important difference. Only God knows the motives & big picture of people's behavior. I don't. When I judge a brother or sister human being, I'm playing God, a form of ego that always gets me into trouble. My longtime Al-Anon sponsor pulls my covers whenever I do this. She merely remarks, "Take off your God suit, sweetie." None of us knows the back story of behavior that seems nothing but unforgivable to us. And then again, the Serenity Prayer asks God "to accept the things I cannot change," which is 99% of the world outside of me. "The courage to change the things I can" gives me hope to change the only thing I can change - my attitude & my behavior. Baking & cleaning are good activities to keep your behavior pure & orderly - Good for you! Accepting the family member as a lost soul who will find her way through life, God willing without your help is a tough surrender, but surrender it you must for your own mental, physical, spiritual health. God bless you for your honesty & sharing from your heart. All the best to you! Trudy

Hi Frances, I feel your pain in your words and I am so sorry. Forgiveness, like Love is a choice. When we choose to forgive someone it releases us from so many negative emotions & health issues. If we hold onto an unforgiving spirit, we get bitter, depressed and we stay angry. We are hurting ourselves when we do not forgive. When we genuinely forgive someone, we release all of that and we are freed up. When I think of all that the Lord has forgiven me of, I have no right to not forgive someone or something they have done. The Lord told Peter in the Bible to forgive 70x7....490 times. What that means is endlessly forgiving others. Love does not keep score of the wrong done (I Cor. 13 the love chapter). Boy, don't we won't to rehearse it over and over sometimes? Once we choose forgiveness, the relationship with that person may never be the same, but, our hearts are freed up from the poison of unforgiveness. Praying for you.

@frances007 This is very heartbreaking for you, I am so sorry. One thing, don’t let your anger get to you in a bad way. Anger is not who you are. We have seen your kindness and generosity in so much of what you do. I have an idea that might make you feel better. You’ve mentioned your art-the making of pressed leaves and flowers on card. Take one of your cards and just write ‘thinking of you’ (nothing else), sign it and mail it. She knows the seriousness of what’s she’s done and your thoughtful card will mean so much. And, it may help you.
Can you try this?
Becky