Lost My Resolve

Last Wednesday as I was driving myself home after a whirlwind visit from my son, I decided that I was going to stop the world and get off. Still not sure when I will get on again.

Hi Frances007,
I'm so sorry that people are being so cruel towards you! And here you are being so nice to them when you have your own physical problems to deal with. I wish you were my neighbor!

People are so thoughtless lately! My husband was very thin when he had a reaction to Keytruda and almost died. We were just going into the house when a neighbor who used to be our friend came by and said to my husband, "You look horrible!" I said, "Well, he almost died from Keytruda!" She just said, "Oh." and went about her way. That really bothered my husband. He had helped her many times in her house with things like putting in a new shower etc. We don't speak to her anymore.

Other neighbors have been unfriendly also since Ed got cancer. It's mostly younger people. They don't like older people. (Ed's 82 and I'm 77.) They want to park in our driveway since we don't go out a lot like they do. Nor, do we have a lot of company and they do. They don't ask. They and their friends just park in our driveway! Even when I explained that my husband had lung cancer and the driveway had to be kept clear in case we had to call the aid car. They still parked there! We got tired of making them move! Finally, I left my gardening clippings which were in a large black garbage sack in the middle of the driveway secured with a large rock. It worked! No one parks in the driveway anymore! But isn't it awful we have to resort to things like this? People are not good anymore like they used to be!

Frances, you are a good person. There aren't many like you around anymore sadly. I know how you feel about your dog. It's hard when our animal friends pass on. They are in heaven and we'll see them again. I know because both my Mom and I saw our St. Bernard, Max after he died. Now, Mom's dead too. I still miss them both.

I will say a prayer for you. Life can only get better for you. God will see to that!
PML

Hi Marilyn!
Feel like I've lost the trail of your journey - especially since you came back from your ocean voyage! - but I want to hear how you are faring...I think you're a real "trooper" in the best sense of the word, and I am inspired by your doings.

As I read your post, I take it that you may need time to be still, collect yourself, recenter your thoughts and feelings, maybe just take a break from the (outside and/or your inner?) world. I completely get that!

I hope this post finds you feeling safe and calm/collected. Do let me / us know.

Hugs.

I am not yet ready to say I am calm and collected. If you have followed the posts you know that I had a dreadful reaction to visiting my husband's grave. But my son was not able to attend his father's funeral and I could not deny him this visit. My reaction frightened me. I did not expect it to be so violent. But it is over now. I doubt there is any reason to ever go back again. I also feel I am over my depression. Instead what I feel is loss of resolve. I do not want to live. Having said that I have no intention of doing away with myself. I just feel empty. There is nothing to live for anymore. So there is listlessness. I will discuss this with my therapist at our next meeting. One wonderful thing happened though. My son wanted to know about my therapy. So we discussed this at length and the reason for my diagnosis as having PTSD. He was horrified at what I went through. But he got it immediately. He told me that now he understands why I did certain things and said certain things that may have ruffled feathers. He said I should have told him about this a long time ago. But you don't usually discuss with your children your abusive childhood. At the time I thought I was doing and saying okay things but in reality I was not. Now that he understands what was happening with me we have a much stronger bond between us. Not so much with son No. 2. I explored talking about this with him but he is not interested. I know why. He and his wife have fixed ideas about me and my behavior. If they listen to actually what was happening to me they may have to change their minds and they don't want to do this. I had no hesitation in pointing this out to him. I also called him out for allowing a certain person to insult me in front of him and saying nothing. I told him his behavior was disappointing. He had nothing to say to that either. But as I am finding out more about myself it is easier to understand his and his wife's reluctance to change their minds. And you know what? I don't really care. It is their loss.
The day is early yet and I may feel like doing a bit more - or not. Nothing matters. I will do what I can when I can.
Thank you for caring.

Totally agree with you, PML!!
Personal space - which includes intrusions on property, noise levels, loud comings and goings and doings in the evening / after dark, even being invited to neighbors' sons' graduation parties where the "young men" grunt when you hand them a gift, and "play" with knives at each others' throats and cut their cake with a machete!!...and on and on - is really a strain on one's peace of mind.

I've experienced this most of my life, living in apartment communities - even renting houses - where people park in your designated space, have parties at 2 am on a weeknight in the hot tub 3 floors below and when you call "Security" - they're just as inconsiderate as they join in on the party!!! and much worse...

Those of us who abide by (at least what used to be commonly recognized as) social norms and courtesies are made to feel that WE are overstepping boundaries. This sense of entitlement and even encouragement by their own parents - in the case of "youth" - is alarming, and by definition doesn't bode well for the future where they will continue this behavior, as many have noted here in the actions of neighbors, drivers, fellow humans.

Another benefit of MayoClinicConnect: supporting each other as we encounter and endure the daily concerns and intrusions and woes of life, be they medical, personal or societal. All for the purpose of peaceful, conscientious coexistence!

Hugs to humanity!

Hi Frances007,
I'm so sorry that people are being so cruel towards you! And here you are being so nice to them when you have your own physical problems to deal with. I wish you were my neighbor!

People are so thoughtless lately! My husband was very thin when he had a reaction to Keytruda and almost died. We were just going into the house when a neighbor who used to be our friend came by and said to my husband, "You look horrible!" I said, "Well, he almost died from Keytruda!" She just said, "Oh." and went about her way. That really bothered my husband. He had helped her many times in her house with things like putting in a new shower etc. We don't speak to her anymore.

Other neighbors have been unfriendly also since Ed got cancer. It's mostly younger people. They don't like older people. (Ed's 82 and I'm 77.) They want to park in our driveway since we don't go out a lot like they do. Nor, do we have a lot of company and they do. They don't ask. They and their friends just park in our driveway! Even when I explained that my husband had lung cancer and the driveway had to be kept clear in case we had to call the aid car. They still parked there! We got tired of making them move! Finally, I left my gardening clippings which were in a large black garbage sack in the middle of the driveway secured with a large rock. It worked! No one parks in the driveway anymore! But isn't it awful we have to resort to things like this? People are not good anymore like they used to be!

Frances, you are a good person. There aren't many like you around anymore sadly. I know how you feel about your dog. It's hard when our animal friends pass on. They are in heaven and we'll see them again. I know because both my Mom and I saw our St. Bernard, Max after he died. Now, Mom's dead too. I still miss them both.

I will say a prayer for you. Life can only get better for you. God will see to that!
PML

I am not yet ready to say I am calm and collected. If you have followed the posts you know that I had a dreadful reaction to visiting my husband's grave. But my son was not able to attend his father's funeral and I could not deny him this visit. My reaction frightened me. I did not expect it to be so violent. But it is over now. I doubt there is any reason to ever go back again. I also feel I am over my depression. Instead what I feel is loss of resolve. I do not want to live. Having said that I have no intention of doing away with myself. I just feel empty. There is nothing to live for anymore. So there is listlessness. I will discuss this with my therapist at our next meeting. One wonderful thing happened though. My son wanted to know about my therapy. So we discussed this at length and the reason for my diagnosis as having PTSD. He was horrified at what I went through. But he got it immediately. He told me that now he understands why I did certain things and said certain things that may have ruffled feathers. He said I should have told him about this a long time ago. But you don't usually discuss with your children your abusive childhood. At the time I thought I was doing and saying okay things but in reality I was not. Now that he understands what was happening with me we have a much stronger bond between us. Not so much with son No. 2. I explored talking about this with him but he is not interested. I know why. He and his wife have fixed ideas about me and my behavior. If they listen to actually what was happening to me they may have to change their minds and they don't want to do this. I had no hesitation in pointing this out to him. I also called him out for allowing a certain person to insult me in front of him and saying nothing. I told him his behavior was disappointing. He had nothing to say to that either. But as I am finding out more about myself it is easier to understand his and his wife's reluctance to change their minds. And you know what? I don't really care. It is their loss.
The day is early yet and I may feel like doing a bit more - or not. Nothing matters. I will do what I can when I can.
Thank you for caring.

in reply to @pml. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. People such as yourself have been a blessing to me. Admittedly, while I was at the infusion center on Friday, a woman in the waiting area (not a patient) kept staring at me. It took everything I had not to say to her, "Are you looking at me?" Wasn't that a line from some Al Pacino movie?
What I have noticed in my community is that it is mostly the women who either shun me or have the audacity to ask me what is wrong with me, why I am so thin and things of that nature. On the other hand, the guys tell me I look great, inquire about my health and offer help if I need it. In the past when I was working, I generally liked working for men as opposed to women, because it had been my experience that many women, myself included, often let their emotions get in the way, and the end result is always counter productive.
As my world gets smaller because I no longer choose to have people in my life who are uncomfortable about my physical appearance, I am not giving in or up. I am much stronger than anyone may think that I am, and I will continue to honor myself and others with my sense of character. Having said this, I am really glad the experiences I have discussed here have not caused me to stop being the person who I am In fact, I recently wrote my sister a short letter that it took two things that enabled me to become a better person:1) the loss of my dog; and 2) having a chronic illness. I told her that it took until I was sick to finally discover that I think I am a pretty good person, and I have no intention of stopping those things I can do to bring joy to others.
As a side bar, I am an avid gardener when I am not making art. I have 10 avacado seeds in water, presently, and realized last night that I am busy growing all kinds of things because I have stopped growing, physically. I want to save the world, but I cannot. But I can sure save a plant every time.