Supporting a depressed spouse.

Thankfully, my husband is doing good right now, but when he was really depressed, I TRIED to keep my mouth shut as much as I could and have him talk when he wanted to talk, which is really hard for me, because I ask way too many questions. I also tried really hard to keep a positive attitude even when things were really bad, just to try to keep a good environment around him. Like if he didn’t want to go anywhere, just accepting that without the sighs and moping around. Again trying to be as understanding as possible. I’ve learned this with my son’s depression too…. I was always asking him questions to see if he’s ok and it just pushed him away. He’s much more receptive to me backing off, yet being around when he does need to talk and letting him know that.
And, lots of prayers for them! Also, the people closest to them get the worst of them, because we’re their safe place, so I try to remember, it’s not me they’re mad at, they just don’t feel good.
I’m sure you’ve done so much to help your husband, don’t beat yourself up, you’ve stuck by him and have had to endure so much. I will pray that he will be open to help.
One last thing, there are a ton of podcast and books and resources out there to help understand what they’re going through, so I’m educating myself when I can.

I'd love you to share podcasts and books that you've found helpful.

HI, Ktawater,

What did your nurse friend say?

I'm going to suggest this again: get some counseling. Another member posted phone numbers...Please give them a try.

He doesn't get out of bed; he won't take his medicine. And he thinks YOU aren't "there" for him?!?

How does he get food to stay alive? I'm guessing you buy the food, right? How does he have a roof over his head? How does he have a bed to lie in? I'm guessing you, right?
You provide all of this for him, and he still thinks you are not doing enough for him?

From your messages, it sounds like you have done so much for him and you continue to try to do more and more for him. It sounds like he is never satisfied with what you try to do. Will he ever be satisfied with you? Does he just keep upping his demands/expectations? That sounds to me like emotional abuse.

Please, please get counseling. I think you really need help seeing your situation objectively.

A smart person once said that you can't expect different results if you keep doing the same thing. Sounds to me that you have been doing the same thing-- trying to help him, in different ways but still the same thing.
Is it time to try something different? A counselor can help you decide if you need to do something different and a counselor can help you figure out what that something different might be.

hugs and blessings to you!

If you go into Spotify under podcasts and search depression you’ll find a ton of podcasts.
I’m listening to Depression cure: depression 101:myths, symptoms, and why humans get depressed in the 1st place. By Dr. Steve Ilardi and Hew James. There’s several under that podcast series, this podcast series has professionals and I think that’s really helpful.

And.. What have I become, the depression diaries .. this is by a man who is going through depression.

Books: Depression for Dummies and Brain Energy by Christopher Palmer.

Also, I am scheduled for family therapy to get professional help with how to help my family get through this difficult time.

I hope this helps.

Thank you so much! I'm going to pick one and start listening!!

You’re welcome!! I hope it helps.

That brings memories of my late husband who had recurrent major depression. It was painful to both of us!
Suggest: get him professional help and come to an agreement with that person that you are a partner on your spouse’s team. Know when to notify the pro that things are not going well. It was a great relief to me just to leave a brief message on his answering machine such as, “He’s talking about suicide again and says this time he knows how and when he will do it.” Hearing that more than a few times from my husband was a terribly heavy burden. It was a relief to be able to pass the responsibility of that message onto the pro.

Get professional help for yourself because you will need it. Please be assured that someone else’s depression is not your fault. Know when to stay away and leave spouse alone. In short: save yourself. Finding an understanding friend who is a good confident can be helpful, though no one can truly know what you are going through. It can be a heavy load, and it is up to you to find ways to uplift yourself via escaping for the day, seeking humor wherever you can find it, and pampering yourself where that is possible.

After a very long life my husband died a normal death. Subsequently the pro said, “No one else could have kept him living that long.” We both knew it was true.

Thank you for sharing!
I so wish he would go for help but he won't. He said he knows all the things they will say and he's as smart or smarter than them. He has a master's degree and has taken psychology classes, etc. I probably should see someone for myself. For now this group is my therapy. It is very painful for us both and for a long time we were able to muddle through alright. But lately, not so much. It seems no matter what I do or say (just about every day stuff) he finds some way to turn it into an argument.
I wonder how much his personality, besides being depressed, plays apart in how he reacts to everything?
I have a job I love and I work with great people. That helps a lot! I've been able to confide in friends in the past, for a little while. They always seemed to somewhat understand but after a while it always turned into them telling me not to put up with him and find someone else who would treat me like I deserve. So then I stopped talking to them about us. It wasn't helpful to me at all to say those things. I believe marriage is til death do us part and I believe true love is unconditional. No one said it was easy, right?

Was responding at depth to @ktawater when the screen suddenly jumped away and my message was lost. Who knows? It may turn up somewhere here.
The distillation of it is to recognize that help is needed by both of you and it may be that only one of you is willing to get it. When I asked, my husband’s doc referred me to a PhD marriage and family counselor. When I asked her how she could be helpful because my husband was not attending with me she said when one improves half of a relationship, the whole couple, or family, benefits. She was right. Besides it helped me to vent my grumbles to one who knew how to listen and the right questions to ask. Yes, from anecdotes described she said it sounded as though he might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for he lacked empathy. Then she handed me her DSM
to read about it.

When people are depressed they see the world, including and especially their nearest and dearest, through a projected negative lens. Know that it is not your fault.

Regarding your beliefs about your marriage, suggest writing a list of pros and a list of cons. It may be helpful. Maybe google “confirmation bias?”

Summing up, seek a marriage and family counselor and see them on a regular basis. I truly believe seeing one helped me. Sending consoling hugs. Raye