Can’t find help; at a total loss

Thank you all for continuing to post with your support and suggestions! It really is the only “outsider viewpoint” I have right now.

I definitely think we need help! I’ve been trying to find some. Trying my best to find one covered by my parents insurance. It’s been tough; exhausting; disappointing. They had one place for about two weeks; turns out they didn’t actually “qualify” (someone apparently mislabeled paperwork or pushed it through when they weren’t supposed to) and service was dropped. I’m still looking. Had a social worker from my parents primary doctor helping us to find in home care, but haven’t heard back for awhile. Gonna try to call her today.
The service they had wasn’t really helpful anyway. My dad wouldn’t cooperate with the bath aide and there was no provision for someone to regularly stay with him while everyone else left.

I’ve been trying to analyze why I’m so very angry. I think a big part of it is the lack of cooperation or acknowledgment on the part of my mom and other relatives. There are things that could be done in physical ways (safety issues in the house, clutter that needs to go, repairs that can’t be done till the clutter goes) and in practical ways (mom take a nap or leave the house when someone is there to give her a break, her let things go that are trivial and don’t need argued with my dad…). I’ve tried the gentle approach and I’ve tried the “slap them in the face with reality” approach. Nothing works. I know that my mom and brother who lives with them are incredibly exhausted and stressed! I know that. But when someone offers solution after solution and nothing is cooperated with…..ahhhhh! there’s no word strong enough to express how frustrating it is!
I feel like I’m the only one who is practical or reasonable.

I’ve tried to see things from their point of view. And I just don’t understand why when someone offers a solution, they won’t move forward with it.
I’ve been on my own with dad too. Both times he was in a hospital for days (first was an ulcer; second time with covid) it was since he’s had Alzheimer’s and I was exhausted. I had to stay RIGHT on top of everything there because he couldn’t speak for himself or take care of himself (including in the bathroom) and the staff kept messing up what meds they were trying to give and if I hadn’t stopped them, they would have given (and did a couple times) stuff he wasn’t supposed to have! (That really upset me, but that’s another story).
The last time I literally got no sleep. By the time we went home, I had been up for 60 hours. So, I know. I know exhaustion can and does make you not think right.

But if someone offers to make things better, why refuse it?

I am willing to do the legwork of clutter clearing, house repairs and making schedules to get everything delegated so no one person gets overwhelmed. ….. but no one’s wants to make changes or work in cooperation.

My parents health situations are incredibly stressful and sad in and of themselves….but I think all the other stuff that is making the taking care of them so needlessly difficult is what makes me so angry.

Thank you all for continuing to post with your support and suggestions! It really is the only “outsider viewpoint” I have right now.

I definitely think we need help! I’ve been trying to find some. Trying my best to find one covered by my parents insurance. It’s been tough; exhausting; disappointing. They had one place for about two weeks; turns out they didn’t actually “qualify” (someone apparently mislabeled paperwork or pushed it through when they weren’t supposed to) and service was dropped. I’m still looking. Had a social worker from my parents primary doctor helping us to find in home care, but haven’t heard back for awhile. Gonna try to call her today.
The service they had wasn’t really helpful anyway. My dad wouldn’t cooperate with the bath aide and there was no provision for someone to regularly stay with him while everyone else left.

I’ve been trying to analyze why I’m so very angry. I think a big part of it is the lack of cooperation or acknowledgment on the part of my mom and other relatives. There are things that could be done in physical ways (safety issues in the house, clutter that needs to go, repairs that can’t be done till the clutter goes) and in practical ways (mom take a nap or leave the house when someone is there to give her a break, her let things go that are trivial and don’t need argued with my dad…). I’ve tried the gentle approach and I’ve tried the “slap them in the face with reality” approach. Nothing works. I know that my mom and brother who lives with them are incredibly exhausted and stressed! I know that. But when someone offers solution after solution and nothing is cooperated with…..ahhhhh! there’s no word strong enough to express how frustrating it is!
I feel like I’m the only one who is practical or reasonable.

I’ve tried to see things from their point of view. And I just don’t understand why when someone offers a solution, they won’t move forward with it.
I’ve been on my own with dad too. Both times he was in a hospital for days (first was an ulcer; second time with covid) it was since he’s had Alzheimer’s and I was exhausted. I had to stay RIGHT on top of everything there because he couldn’t speak for himself or take care of himself (including in the bathroom) and the staff kept messing up what meds they were trying to give and if I hadn’t stopped them, they would have given (and did a couple times) stuff he wasn’t supposed to have! (That really upset me, but that’s another story).
The last time I literally got no sleep. By the time we went home, I had been up for 60 hours. So, I know. I know exhaustion can and does make you not think right.

But if someone offers to make things better, why refuse it?

I am willing to do the legwork of clutter clearing, house repairs and making schedules to get everything delegated so no one person gets overwhelmed. ….. but no one’s wants to make changes or work in cooperation.

My parents health situations are incredibly stressful and sad in and of themselves….but I think all the other stuff that is making the taking care of them so needlessly difficult is what makes me so angry.

@1k194 Were you able to get in touch with that social worker? I know you have read some wonderful ideas here, and it might seem like we are all piling on to help you. Well, we are! But, your family needs to pile on, also. Whatever words it will take to tell them frankly that you are at the end of your rope caring for everything, do it. Maybe even saying that if X is not here at this time 00:00 to help oversee things, the folks will be left alone. Then do it. Yes, it sounds harsh, but you are going to end up in the ER yourself, from all the stress!

Let us know how you are today/tonight, okay?
Ginger

It sure doesn't sound to me that you are "inadequate" in any way.
Sounds to me like you are climbing Mt. Everest without a sherpa guide.

I completely understand about one day=complete exhaustion. Been there, done that, felt that, too.

I hope some other readers offer their opinion on the suggestion I am about to make, because I'm not sure if it is any good.

Is it time to try again with the paid help?
None of my relatives (mother, mom-in-law, aunt) liked paid help.
Some of the aides were really good, some were OK, none-- that we had-- were outright bad.
For a period of a few weeks, my mother absolutely could not be left alone in her house. When I was at the point of desperation, none of my siblings stepped up, so it had to be paid help, covered by insurance. So, tough beans for my mom, I got some paid help. I had to. Turns out, one lady was fabulous!

Sounds to me that you have reached the point where I was. You just have to take whatever help you can get now, whether you and your folks like it or not...
Are your standards too high?

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I'm trying to channel the "fabulous lady aide" mentioned above. She bossed me right out of my mother's house (!). It took me about 20 minutes to realize that she was absolutely right to do so! Sometimes you need somebody to "boss" you into a sensible, necessary course of action.

Ginger and other readers, what do you all think?

Good luck! hugs!

@1k194 Were you able to get in touch with that social worker? I know you have read some wonderful ideas here, and it might seem like we are all piling on to help you. Well, we are! But, your family needs to pile on, also. Whatever words it will take to tell them frankly that you are at the end of your rope caring for everything, do it. Maybe even saying that if X is not here at this time 00:00 to help oversee things, the folks will be left alone. Then do it. Yes, it sounds harsh, but you are going to end up in the ER yourself, from all the stress!

Let us know how you are today/tonight, okay?
Ginger

Thank you all so much 🙂

I was not able to talk to the social worker. I left a message; been a few days and haven’t heard back.

There are so many things that need to be done/changed with my parents situation, and with my own…I don’t know where to start or how to get it all done.

Thank you all so much 🙂

I was not able to talk to the social worker. I left a message; been a few days and haven’t heard back.

There are so many things that need to be done/changed with my parents situation, and with my own…I don’t know where to start or how to get it all done.