Tired of living

@frances007 Of course, I understand your writing your post when you did...and I'm so glad you took to the computer and shared and vented after finding that letter. What is more frustrating than not being able to answer someone like that? I would say...not a friend lost but a person revealed. She sounds like someone rather wrapped up in herself... a lonely place to be, but her choice...and a good one for you.
I hope you reread your post because you answered many of your questions! I was born and bred to be a people pleaser....what an impossible job! You can't fill a sink up when the drain is open.
You know you...you be you ...and that sound like a pretty good thing. I'm sorry your male friend is moving away, and you no longer have your best bud. Can you have a cat where you live? They can be a low-maintenance buddy when we are not up to snuff. It is especially meaningful if you rescue one that is about five. I did that and he had been picked up on the street...now he is indoors only and acts just like a dog!
You know you can't please everyone but rejection by anyone is always hurtful....until you talk to yourself (that is what I do) and you nailed it....her problem. Kindness is not her strong suit, to say the least.
I hope writing helped you believe that what you do for yourself is most important...continue your art. Your spirit is powerful...and a treasure, your best resource.

My history is like a laundry list; I get frustrated, down, angry, and lonesome. I rely on these groups a lot. Do you do Zoom? That is how I keep in touch with my old friends in Maine. Are there folks you could talk to through Zoom...it is free. When they shut the session down after 40 minutes, you can sign in again from your original link~!
Pleasing everyone is impossible. Your post tells me you are a strong survivor, and believing in yourself will go a long way. My best💞

in reply to @grammy82 Thank you very much for this uplifting response. Re-reading my post was very helpful, indeed. Yes, this neighbor of mine is very wrapped up in herself, and I had been thinking about that for quite some time. Every time I asked her if she wanted to do something during the weekend, she acted as though spending time with her was a privilege. She rarely responded to my calls or text messages, and when I asked her one time why she does not respond, she said: "everyone tells me I am hard to get a hold of, and it is common not to respond to every text message or phone call." In any event, I am done. She would often leave things at my door when she was decluttering her apartment. I suppose she thought I would want some of her things or I would take them to be donated. I took great pleasure yesterday filling 2 large garbage bags with her crap and throwing them in the dumpster. I never asked for any of these things, nor did I want to be a dumping ground for cast offs because she was too lazy to take them to be donated herself. She knows I do not have a car. How was I supposed to cart all this garbage of hers to a thrift store? However, there were some things of value among the things she gave me, and these I plan to sell. While I gave thought to carting all of this back to her place, I realized that in doing so I would be acting like her, and that I do not want to do.

I received a call from the apartment manager yesterday telling me that I am banned from using any of my tools, including a cordless drill. "We just can't have this type of noise in an apartment complex." I wonder how people deal with the gardeners who use those awful leaf blowers or the noise created with trees are taken out and wood chippers are used. What really bothered me the most about this situation is that I feel as though something important has been taken away from me. My projects are my way of dealing with my illness. Unlike her and many women in my building, I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself or complaining when I do not feel well. My projects provide me with more relief/satisfaction than any of the medications in my cabinet. In any event, I will find an area far away where I can use my tools and if it needs to be, I will use them inside my apartment.

My "disease" has certainly taught me some valuable lessons about others in general. Many today do not possess compassion, empathy or any other sense of value toward their fellow man/women. While others may see me as weak because I am so thin, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and when talking with someone I could not help but notice that they were looking at my arms as my musculature does stand out. No, I am not "buffed out" but it is obvious that I have been exercising in an effort not to lose muscle mass. For a long time I had been afraid to wear any clothing that might reveal more of my thinness because of what my neighbor had said about my appearance. Now I could care less. I always make it a point to look nice when I go out, and if that means wearing something that might otherwise make me appear "thinner" , so be it. I get a lot of compliments from others because of the way I look, so no more body shame. I can't help it if I have no interest in food. Last night I was thinking about my male neighbor who is moving in a few days, and said to myself, "women are worse than men sometimes." I wonder if others feel this way. Guys don't get so worked up about the nuances of life as many women I know do. I suppose this is simply the way it has always been, but I don't need to put up with any of these maladjusted women any more. I have my art, people in my life who value me, and that is enough.

After the initial "shock" of being told I could no longer make things outside, I had a sense of relief in that I no longer have to have any more interaction with this person. I will remove her name as my emergency contact, and redo my health care directive again, now for the third time. I have asked another friend to be my emergency contact because my sister, being hearing impaired, is very hard to get a hold of. Her new home has terrible cell phone service, but I have instructions that she can be texted. Enough said.

I am having the fibroscan this morning, then later in July an appointment with the gastroenterologist who I filed a grievance against because he escorted me out of his office while I was in mid-sentence during our last visit a year ago. I will have to humble myself for this upcoming interaction with him as I need to have another colonoscopy to determine whether or not my ulcerative colitis has returned. All of these procedures, and to what end? As my sister has said, "just more money down a rat hole." Indeed.

Thank you very much for your kind words and support. Yes, I am a survivor and I am not going to let anyone interfere with my capabilities, which are many.

@frances007
I enjoyed the spirit and determination in your post. I laughed out loud when you wrote of putting all her stuff in two trash bags...FINI What a good laugh I had and kudos to you for not dropping them at her door! That simply proves you are a better person.
I was wondering if you could use your tools in your apartment...some come with bags that catch any debris. It is so vitally important that you pursue your art.
I'm sorry you struggle with your weight, and it is money to a good cause to make sure all is well. I'm 82 and even when I was 79, I was a comfortable size 12. Then I started taking large doses of prednisone and soared to an incredible 300 pounds, size 3X. I loved the fact that my chubby face removed all my wrinkles. In the last 6 months, on less pred, I've lost 80 pounds...but I don't think anyone will call me thin. Hey, we have no control over some things! Plus, there will always be someone thinner or fatter or sicker!!
We all need support....you just keep on creating. My best to you💞

in reply to @grammy82 Thank you for this note. Not to be further bothered by this miserable neighbor I painted a sign and set it atop my fence in direct view of her deck, and it said: "Be Careful Who You Trust, the Devil Was Once an Angle." Rather than spewing off at her, I decided to take a different approach because sometimes silence is the best response to anger. Think Marcus Aruelius. After I placed this sign my neighbor covered her entire deck with a huge piece of canvas. She has done this before because of the heat here in Sacramento, but never this early in the summer. In any event, the sign sat there for a few days until my sister told me to take the sign down, as it was clear that my neighbor "got the message."
Having said this, I have finished hand sanding the table and it is as smooth as silk. Once I apply the finish I will post a photograph. I was initially going to use the table outside, but since I have put so much effort into it, I am going to use it to replace a table I now have in front of my sofa. I love the natural color of the wood, as it has a rustic look that appears rather unique.
While I was "stewing" over the tool mess, I recalled something that happened a couple of weeks ago while I was outside gardening. I had my headphones on listening to Carole King, my favorite recording artist. If they ever have a Make a Wish plan for adults, my wish is to meet her. Anyway, I was singing along with Carole, very low because I have such a soft voice anyway. This was not karaoke. My neighbor came running down, let herself into my apartment with the key I gave to her for emergencies, and said, "I thought you were screaming for help. You need to be quiet." Now, we all know what a call for help sounds like, right? Believe me, if I could sing properly, I would certainly do so. And if I were calling for help, there is no doubt that the entire community would hear me scream, "HELP!"
Yes, I can use the tools inside, and will do so. I realized that before this tool event, our friendship was dying a slow death anyway, because every time I asked her if she would like to join me for a coffee, she would claim a migraine every single time. No wonder she has two failed marriages, LOL.

Frances, I’m trying not to laugh at this but omg, your neighbor is a piece of work…and you’re a saint! 😅

in reply to @loribmt. I failed to mention that I made a separate sign in German, Ich werde machen was ich will. I will make what I want.

Yes, I feel your good vibes. Thank you for the encouragement. A lot of the things you mention are not for me, though. I have never been able to connect well with people. I have mentioned this to my therapist. So I am used to being alone. Although now without my husband there is also loneliness. I am aware that volunteers do great work, but I have shied away from it for two reasons. The first is my inability to connect to other people and the second is that I feel I am too old. At 88 I don't have the stamina. I like to sleep in in the mornings. I move slowly through the day as I get things done. Fortunately I am still able to maintain my independence and will cling to that as long as I can. Also I am a humanist and don't have much use for organized religion. This bothers a lot of people because they don't understand or want to understand. But it makes sense to me and as far I am concerned that's all that counts. I do not like anyone preaching at me. My health otherwise is fairly good and I don't take very much medication so who knows how many more years I might have? I do feel extremely fortunate to still maintain my mind. I will go on YouTube to find John Bradshaw after breakfast. Thank you so much for caring. It means a lot.

The cruise was fine. At first we were flabbergasted by the smallness of the cabin. We found out that all the cabins are only big enough to hold a queen size bed. We asked for twin beds. Two wins are too big to fit in, so we had narrow beds - almost teen size. In addition there was a shortage of storage space. But we decided that here we were and we were going to make it work. In addition, my friend had specifically requested a veranda. Their version of a veranda was a heavy door leading onto the deck, with three chairs placed in front of our window. No privacy at all since everyone could use the deck. Having said that, we found the crew wonderful and everyone we came into contact with delightful. The entertainment was a trio consisting of a piano player (who also sang), a bass player and a drummer. We to know them on a more personal level and they were just great guys. They even played Take Five by Dave Brubeck for me. It was not something in their repertoire, but they played it. I was thrilled. The weather was great. We saw a lot of interesting things but the best was Niagara Falls. Only one word can describe the majesty of them - awesome. When we reached our final destination - Toronto - my cousin was there waiting for us and drove us to the airport. She is such wonderful person. So all in all, with a few glitches - it went fine. Thanks for asking.

The cruise was fine. At first we were flabbergasted by the smallness of the cabin. We found out that all the cabins are only big enough to hold a queen size bed. We asked for twin beds. Two wins are too big to fit in, so we had narrow beds - almost teen size. In addition there was a shortage of storage space. But we decided that here we were and we were going to make it work. In addition, my friend had specifically requested a veranda. Their version of a veranda was a heavy door leading onto the deck, with three chairs placed in front of our window. No privacy at all since everyone could use the deck. Having said that, we found the crew wonderful and everyone we came into contact with delightful. The entertainment was a trio consisting of a piano player (who also sang), a bass player and a drummer. We to know them on a more personal level and they were just great guys. They even played Take Five by Dave Brubeck for me. It was not something in their repertoire, but they played it. I was thrilled. The weather was great. We saw a lot of interesting things but the best was Niagara Falls. Only one word can describe the majesty of them - awesome. When we reached our final destination - Toronto - my cousin was there waiting for us and drove us to the airport. She is such wonderful person. So all in all, with a few glitches - it went fine. Thanks for asking.