How to emotionally deal with the estate of your parents

Bless You. This is so so hard. I empathize as I have been there. Some ideas:
1) Start slow.
2) Get a paper shredder for things that need to be shredded.
3) After going through the clothes, invite a church group to come over and go through the belongings and take what they want. Bag up what's left over and take to a retirement center. Let the senior citizens pick out what they want. Bag up the rest and take to Goodwill.
4) Divide up between you & your brother what you want to keep. Allow other family members, grandchildren etc., to come over and pick out things.
5) If it's something you cherish, keep it.
6) Furniture can be donated to places like Rescue Missions will come and pick them up.
7) Allow yourself time to grieve as you go through their belongings and talk about them together. Don't rush unless you are on a time constraint.
8) When you are tired, rest. When you feel overwhelmed on a particular day, don't do as much or take a break away from the house.
9) If the loved one had close neighbors, let them come over and pick out something to remember your loved one by.
10) Cherish the sweetness of it with your brother. You will cry a lot and laugh a lot and that is good medicine.
11) My family prayed a lot to the Lord for much comfort and strength to go through this because we had too. God gave us the strength.

I am praying for you and I am so sorry for this season of grief.

Thank you so much for your advice. I believe my stepmother's sister will take some things, and that's ok although we have had to fight her for two years to get the will into probate.
Although both parents were in their 70s when they passed, they were both pretty stylish in their clothing and the house and furnishings too. Mostly anyway. I'm sure I'll have to give away all the bedroom furniture, but the rest we'll probably sell. There is stuff there that was purchased not long before my stepmother died that's new. She had great taste in clothing and decor. If her sister don't get it or all of it, I may consign it. We've shelled out, unnecessary, a lot of money to the lawyer and we'll have to update some things in the house before we can sell.

The paperwork in that house is incredible. I think my dad saved every utility bill he ever paid 😂 and there is a shredder in his office that he clearly didn't use much. So I'll definitely be following that advice. I too plan to let our kids get anything they want after my brother and I go through it for us. I do like the idea of letting a church group go through it - but in our town we have a thrift store run by volunteers that all proceeds go to the battered women's shelter. I think anything left I'm going to take there. I've been picking up things here and there to keep for myself. I actually found a page that I wrote to my diary, which I don't remember having one, but I guess I did - laying on the dresser in my old bedroom. It's not the furniture I used, but it was a sweet entry and I was 13 years old. How it got there, folded neatly, I don't know. Honestly if I could pack up the whole house and bring it to mine I would. Probably not the best thing though to help move forward. I am also relying on prayer to help me manage my emotions. We all have not been there together since my stepmother died, but this Saturday, we're getting started and making plans.
Thank you again, seems I'm doing the right things here and I'm glad to know it!!

Bless you and I am praying as well. You will get through this...I know you will!

Hi,

Just want to say thank you for the advice you have given to julihannah. I lost my mother a few years ago, however, hubby was diagnosed with stage 4 carcinoid tumor cancer. We need to declutter and scale down as we going to move in with the son. What a nightmare. My hubby is a hoarder we never throw anything away (in case we need it tomorrow). He love antique shops, and charity shops and was forever buying small things. Now to depart to sell is just hard. I will definitely start sorting with the papers and buy a shedder.
We both had to do a mindset to let go. Not easy but we getting there.

HI, many of us have gone through what you and your brother are experiencing. All suggestions everyone has given are wonderful. The key and lesson here I find is that we all should have in addition to a will, a plan for after our demise. NO one(even immediate family) wants to have to untangle the small and big things when it comes to distributing property and items which belonged to your parents.
Yes, attorneys are expensive yet if you are lucky to find a good one with reviews from other people... you are ahead of the game. IT save you a big headache. If you cannot afford an attorney check with dept of aging for your state. or ombudsman for referrals.
For those individuals who still have parents one of the best suggestions I have is to investigate and research into a Miller Trust in the U/S. Internet provides plentiful information or anyone can call an attorney to investigate if this is possible with your family with in your state your parents had a home.

In addition if a parent was a veteran and had income not over a certain amount, ( amount changes every couple of years) there is a housing benefit they can qualify for to pay for nursing home or assisted living. This is a great benefit so many people do not know about.

Indeed donating items in home which could serve other people is a great idea. There are so many organization that help a variety of people. not just homeless or a tax write off is possible like to organizations such as goodwill, unwed mothers groups, discharged prison population, fire victims who have lost everything. Your local fire department can provide information on families who have lost all to a fire. Habitat For Humanity will also take furniture and clothing to resettle people needing to rebuild their lives. There are also individuals who will do estate sales for you. They do take a percentage of sale. THe rest you can advertise free by curb of street.
This is where having a will no matter what age we are is so important. An attorney would be able to help you designate what property or funds you wish remain within the immediate family on maternal or paternal line. Dealing with the aftermath of parents funeral can cause great anguish and stress due to so many things that must be addressed. On the sale of a home a trust can be set up for grand children educational purposes or after even to help for wedding expenses for grandchildren.

Best of Luck and you will be fine.... it just take time and patience with yourself .

I lost my husband, we had been married 64 years it was a very difficult time as I have no family near me. Someone gave me this advise. Take one day at a time , yesterday is gone and tomorrow May never come. I started off by taking little steps toward that advise and soon my little steps became bigger ones and I was able to think of one day at a time. It is not a easy journey a lone but remember we are never truly a lone,I believe thatvGod is always watching overs us and if we need help he is there to help you.God Bless you

I have been through the massive process of settling estates, my mother and recently my sister. Both were hoards and no organization to items.

Some days were better than others, and like your family, some were very attached emotional and others would but everything in dumpster if I let them.

As you, both saved every piece of paper. My approach was:
- Sort by category, taxes, financial, pension, SS, insurance, vehicles, utility, house, medical, etc….
- Think about what might be needed for probate
- Once have in category, attack the most important first and sort again by type (company) and then by date.
- Keep tax info, it is very helpful to determine where they had investments, etc…
- The financial and insurance info will help find out if have any accounts did not know about
- Some less important, I put in box to go thru at later date.

As far as non - paper items, some family members fought over items, then few years later they had disposed of or did not care anymore.
- We took turns picking items we wanted
- Whatever was less was disposed of or donated

It is seems overwhelming at times, you just have to take your time.

Laurie

I am very sorry for your loss and the heavy emotional toll it takes. My husband I went through this a number of years ago. We went through everything, thought hard about we wished to keep and gave that opportunity to other family members and friends. When we felt sure we had finished that step we contacted a local estate sale company who charges a flat % of everything they can then sell. They come into the house, organize the contents for sale after researching any antiques, collectible etc. This company had over 5000 followers online in our rural, small town region. You can be there, or not the day of the sale, as you wish. At end of sale they keep 20-30% of the total and the family receives the rest. They advertise long before items for sake. They dispose of items that don’t sell, with us able to pre designate our choices for disposable. It was a blessing for us to be able handle it this way. We kept what we wished and the rest went to others who who could use it or wished it. It let us focus on healing rather than estate details.

I'm so sorry about your husband. I have a fear of cancer with mine too because he's had non Hodgkins lymphoma and skin cancer and both were caught early and he's fine, but now that we're older..... I am scared to lose him.
He too is a bit of a hoarder. We live in the house his family built in 1889 and it has NINE outbuildings full of "stuff". And the house isn't at hoarder yet cause I won't let that happen but it is full enough. I feel for my poor kids who will have to deal with it one day. I know if husband goes first I will, or should deal with it. But I may not be able to physically. So overwhelming and right now I go much more to deal with!

Thank you for your invaluable advice!!! Wonderful suggestions.