Honestly,
Im not sure. He feels like he wont be here next yr or even in a few months. I have been thru so many things myself that I am strong and never feared anything until now. I know he was more than likely going to pass before me due to the large age difference but THIS way is not what I barganed for. I have been married to him for all of my adult life having married him at 16 and we have a 32 yrs old son and have been married 37 yrs "working on 38" as he says.

I dont know how to be strong enough for both of us so I am strong in front of him and everyone else but break down in my own space.

He is now worried because we dont have burial plots which I had urged for YEARS and now with limited income it will be difficult at best.

He does not want to go into hospice for end of life and has chosen to have them come here. I just dont know when the right time to call them in is. I know its not just for the very end but he has to be on board and understand what they are here for.

I have just finally had the deck and wheelchair ramp installed and stained in preparation for his continued weakness and make it easier for him to get into our home.

I take solace in the fact that he believes in God. He was raised Catholic and does not want to be cremated but actually talked about it to "give me more money" because I have a small life insurance policy on him to cover final expenses. I wouldnt hear of it because I KNEW he didnt want it and told him NO because we planned to be buried side by side always.

He is truly the only man I have ever loved and I knew he was the one at a very early age. Now just turning 54 I have no intention of trying to move forward with someone new.

I know it sounds crazy but I just cant imagine anyone BUT him sharing my life.