I appreciate the helpful comments and suggestions that have been made. I have suggested hospice to my husband several times but he refused. He told me today that he thinks that we made a mistake 6 months ago and should have moved back east where there are more hospitals. He wanted to move to his Mother's home but as I told him then we would need to sell our home and everything else as well as drive across the country 2700 miles to get him there. I did offer to take him if that is what he really wanted but he decided to stay here and work with his current doctors. We asked his doctor about the care team that was in the office lobby a couple of times and the doctor said you have that already, funny we never met them! To get any information that my husband wants I feel like I have to bully his doctor to get it. Today at his appointment pre-surgical the doctor tells him best of luck if you survive we will see you in 4 weeks. It is a bit concerning that when I asked about setting up rehab care for him I keep getting told let's see if he survives first. I am really not comfortable with this approach. I told them during radiation that I was having a very rough time taking care of him, but that fell on deaf ears. I had to get a friend to come help me, which in the end was not a great decision I needed the help so I am glad she came but it cost me my friendship of several years as she feels differently about his impending death than I do. I hope he survives, I hope he goes into remission, I hope for nothing but good things, but I do not expect it. When he tells me he has headaches all day, and the ENT surgeon says that is from his occluded jugular I worry, when he says his strength is disappearing I believe him, and when he tells me he is dying I believe that too. I know there are cheerleaders out there that are always peppy and positive but that is not helpful at this moment realism and truth is what is called for now. I can't take any more shocks.