Tired of living

I was able to get some therapy. It helps a lot

If I am right in what I'm saying the main point is this:
A person can be wicked, knowingly, and take satisfaction in it.

However, they didn't choose to be that way, that is who they just are. They must carry responsibility for it. But the fact that they are that way is, in itself, outside their control, precisely because they are ok with it. Which is, certainly, miserable for those who that person mistreats.

But if that person mistreats me, it's not about me. I didn't do anything to deserve that, they aren't judging me. They are making me the receptacle of their meanness. OK maybe I did some thing or other that they didn't like. But no way does that justify them being very mean to me.

So if I internalize that voice, I am now making it about me, when they voice was actually 0.1% or less about me, and 99.9% about the kind of person that mean person was.

I have lived in 5+ major cities, so have had access to a variety of care, even though I approached it quite cautiously, wanting to find a trustworthy source, as well as complete confidentiality, esp. in the early days when it wasn't a given, let alone mentioned that you could hope to not have an impact at your company for availing yourself of the limited "mental health benefits". But I never approached the possibility of a good or helpful fit until my last psychiatrist who listened to me over a period of 20 years, with some breaks.

And yet she seemed to withhold anything that ever provided the hope of a "breakthrough" - again, it must be ME that is the barrier. I asked for some examples, some similar case studies to try to find how others have encountered similar struggles, MAYBE even surpassed them - "they don't exist" - "they would be different circumstances / facts / blah blah blah". Surely, I said, there must have been some you studied in graduate / medical school. No.

I'm in no way blaming her, but I did literally blast out of the room one final time when, in response to my sharing a rare memory of my mother being - if not supportive - at least neutral, she referred to my mother as "letting" me live (or, in so many words, letting me have my pleasant shared experience without her dumping on it, something like that). I still am not sure, but that concept, coming from my therapist in words, audibly - and not even being endorsed in any way by my therapist - so enraged my very being that I couldn't tolerate it or any more of our otherwise neutral dynamic. On top of it, after all this time - and I'd shared this with her - I had enough of not getting anywhere.

That was 3-1/2 years ago, just before COVID, just before a traumatic living circumstance brought on an abrupt move, that ultimately led me to living in a smaller town about 80 min. away that some distant family we would visit (when I was a teen) once lived in...without telling my mother about it, another struggle that wears on me, but that I have weighed and weighed again and again, and never feel I can share with her, as she will dump on it, likely deem it is about her - NO, I just want to live in a small town that seems pleasant and less crime-ridden, and may one day enable me somehow to blossom into ... myself?

I apologize for the amount of space my posts have taken up here today. But I am overwhelmed with rage, angst, lack of resolution, lack of cheer, lack of purpose and tired of being all about "others" and handling what I can, and doing ALL with a partner that - when I can no longer stand it - doesn't respond to my observations, even the littlest, inconsequential, daily life comings and goings comments, and makes me feel like I either don't exist and/or that my recent ER visit for unusual, unexpected head pain, and other non-life-threatening issues are overblown. I am sick of making things happen, feeling unheard, and being in pain. Not being heard only magnifies the pain, and then makes me feel responsible for it, and ultimately feeling isolated from the connection I have so longed for all my life, but that is that neverending black hole from our childhood.

Absolutely, you've got it figured out for sure. It isn't about 'who you are'...you didn't deserve it. Now, my friend, know that!! With every fiber, own that truth.💞

@ricm58 Well said.

I guess what lingers is the "black hole" of our struggle to be ourselves (whatever, whoever that is!), in spite of the template we were/are imprinted with. What a fundamental challenge! And where else do we or can we find guidance that is genuine, well-intentioned, without agenda or betrayal for just being, just trying to live, to find answers, without reprisal?

Religion is not the answer for me, and I don't want to raise that as an issue here.

But, if there is good, can we at least feel like we can talk with others who understand, or have themselves lived, or can through study and practice (whether professionally, or for their own lived experience) share their journey? I suppose that is what we are doing here, and I find hope in that.

However, I am in a period of gloom right now, especially because I am not finding that I can talk with those in my surroundings (partner, sister, mother) about my darkness and struggle. I am so weary, from my partner, of hearing "just take a walk", "get out", "listen to music you like". I have..., I do..., and I have... all of the above, and nothing changes. Time is a-wasting, and I must be the common denominator that is in the way.

Before I move on from this seeming solitary unresolvable gloom I'm in - does anyone else feel that - in spite of ALL their own efforts (therapy, reading, meds, talk, mental spinning / revisiting of unresolved issues and situations) that THEY themselves must be the obstacle? Worst case - that it somehow WORKS to NOT resolve these issues, in spite of the ongoing misery of spinning them minute-by-minute in your head?

And even, extrapolating further, (and I've read others who have pushed through, beyond their misery, to getting somehow beyond it all write about this here) -- the fear of finding on the other side what sadness there is in how much time / life / joy was lost before getting through to the other side???

Seems like a "lose - lose" to me, though if I ever have a chance to - in some way that I have not yet found in spite of best efforts - I WOULD choose to move through it, beyond it, so as to find there is a different way to "be", and a self that has joy in "just being".

I just CANNOT seem to find resolution.

Thank you to those who share their journey here. It does help in many ways more than all the other ways I've tried to get through this.

Your writing is truly descriptive and shows me how you feel. I think you have found friends here, as I have.
No, it is not easy but when you get through this...and you will...it is worth the work.
I was born in 1940 and for many years, sometimes this gloominess would be in the background...temporarily gone but it came in 2018 and looked me straight in the eye. At different times I would make positive strides and experience peace, but when I was 78, I owned how worthwhile I was.
I'm just saying it is a worthwhile pursuit no matter your age....you are worth it. 💞

@grammy82 - Tears again, "grammy" ... especially because the ONLY person who EVER listened to me and knew the players was my mother's mother - my grandmother - and she died in 1981, shortly after my first cross-country move.

So, your "handle", and what appears to be the year (19)82, so close to my own grandmother's departure, and your reading and understanding of what I wrote hits so close to "home".

I could go on - like why am I (still) crying (today) after struggling for 51+ years - since 9th grade or so - and it still cuts me to the core? and I still am finding myself alone? and to act otherwise is to deny my very own experience and its impact? How can I honor my otherwise silent struggle if I act as if I'm OK - esp. around people I would think would be the ones to care?
Believe me - and this is of no balm to my deep wounds - you wouldn't know it if you met me.

Thus the dichotomy of my dysfunction: it endures, I appear otherwise, I am in inner turmoil for its lack of resolution, or even for lack of its acknowledgment by the perpetrator - who I understand may even have been a victim herself of the only person who ever listened to me.

But, please, ...thank you @grammy82 .

Often when we are hurt (and nothing hurts like feeling rejected by our own family) we make the choice to let it define us. Huge mistake. WE and only we are responsible for our choices. You can let what your parents did continue to control your life, or you can choose to forgive and move on. That doesn’t mean you accept or approve of another’s behavior but maybe you should stop trying to figure out why they did what they did. Pity them and pray for them. And choose to find your joy and purpose. You won’t find that by focusing on others. Remember, forgiveness is a Choice you make for You. God bless you

I understand what you are saying....all my life I was THE SMILE....still am, only now I'm not hiding behind it, I mean it. I'm so glad that you feel that I get you because I do.....I was you....now I am uniquely me.
I'm a Grandmother and love them so...sadly they live in Canada and I live in Indiana. Between covid and my getting GCA, I missed seeing them go through that stage where they were still children and are now 15 and 18 in July. Those are the only two that I have and I plan to fly (jelly legs and all) to see my granddaughter graduate from high school and my grandson's Nike sneaker collection.
When you said I wouldn't know you...boy, that made me think of me!!! Never a hair out of place, always smiling, confident in my job, unsuccessful in relationships......we project to hide the inside.
I think you know you need a really good therapist who will tell you it is ok to be sloppy sometimes, it is okay to cry, it is ok not to like everything because some things suck!!! One thing that doesn't is....YOU. But you need a hand down that road. I worked with a woman who believed in 'mindfulness'...now...what is....we can tell ourself such stories....and it is okay to cry. xo💞

I have lived in 5+ major cities, so have had access to a variety of care, even though I approached it quite cautiously, wanting to find a trustworthy source, as well as complete confidentiality, esp. in the early days when it wasn't a given, let alone mentioned that you could hope to not have an impact at your company for availing yourself of the limited "mental health benefits". But I never approached the possibility of a good or helpful fit until my last psychiatrist who listened to me over a period of 20 years, with some breaks.

And yet she seemed to withhold anything that ever provided the hope of a "breakthrough" - again, it must be ME that is the barrier. I asked for some examples, some similar case studies to try to find how others have encountered similar struggles, MAYBE even surpassed them - "they don't exist" - "they would be different circumstances / facts / blah blah blah". Surely, I said, there must have been some you studied in graduate / medical school. No.

I'm in no way blaming her, but I did literally blast out of the room one final time when, in response to my sharing a rare memory of my mother being - if not supportive - at least neutral, she referred to my mother as "letting" me live (or, in so many words, letting me have my pleasant shared experience without her dumping on it, something like that). I still am not sure, but that concept, coming from my therapist in words, audibly - and not even being endorsed in any way by my therapist - so enraged my very being that I couldn't tolerate it or any more of our otherwise neutral dynamic. On top of it, after all this time - and I'd shared this with her - I had enough of not getting anywhere.

That was 3-1/2 years ago, just before COVID, just before a traumatic living circumstance brought on an abrupt move, that ultimately led me to living in a smaller town about 80 min. away that some distant family we would visit (when I was a teen) once lived in...without telling my mother about it, another struggle that wears on me, but that I have weighed and weighed again and again, and never feel I can share with her, as she will dump on it, likely deem it is about her - NO, I just want to live in a small town that seems pleasant and less crime-ridden, and may one day enable me somehow to blossom into ... myself?

I apologize for the amount of space my posts have taken up here today. But I am overwhelmed with rage, angst, lack of resolution, lack of cheer, lack of purpose and tired of being all about "others" and handling what I can, and doing ALL with a partner that - when I can no longer stand it - doesn't respond to my observations, even the littlest, inconsequential, daily life comings and goings comments, and makes me feel like I either don't exist and/or that my recent ER visit for unusual, unexpected head pain, and other non-life-threatening issues are overblown. I am sick of making things happen, feeling unheard, and being in pain. Not being heard only magnifies the pain, and then makes me feel responsible for it, and ultimately feeling isolated from the connection I have so longed for all my life, but that is that neverending black hole from our childhood.