Tired of living

I have found the following two things a challenge: my parents caused me damage (this has been confirmed by therapy and psychiatry), to the point where I moved far from all family in shame. But then 2 things happened: I carried on neglecting myself as they had. Plus, I had a family-sized hole in my life, which my wife helped with, yes. But I ended up keeping inner, mental (neglectful) parents, I guess because the psyche needs some kind of parents to guide and contain, even if neglectfully.

Solution?

1. What I wrote in my previous message.

2. I have had to forgive my parents despite the outrageous damage caused to my life. And learn that other people (though not angels, and certainly not substitute parents) can be nice. Friends are only that: nice, no more than that. But nice is good. It's just not intense like neglect or abuse. Friendship's kind of fleeting. But it's nice!

Sometimes forgiveness comes in the form of a decision... "I am just not letting that woman live in my head rent-free anymore." Out....💞

I read your post twice. Intellectually I understand it. But my mother knew what she was doing. During the years as I have spoken to various members of my family they also knew what she was doing and what she was doing to me. She was a jealous and vindictive woman. She could shame and humiliate me and she did - always in front of others. When I finally got up the courage to leave, she sold my things that I could not take with me. She didn't ask or tell me about this. She sold them and kept the money. All these things I bought with my own money. I had to go to work right after high school because she deemed me too stupid to go to college. After I met my soon to be husband, I even wondered if there was something wrong with him because how could he love someone like me? Because at that time I firmly believed I was stupid and ugly and no one would have anything to do with me. All those scars last and hurt and I just cannot feel forgiveness.

HI @thisismarilynb.

Excited for you & your upcoming trip.

I have to agree with and recognize your experience...when a person shows (albeit infrequently) that they are capable of "seeing you", with all the different ways that can be demonstrated, then I cannot abide with any "out" for them that 'they didn't know what they were doing'. Especially when - with great pain, effort and lack of seeing any other way around it - I addressed the person directly with these issues.

They could hear me, they chose to knee-jerk respond with defensive "How could you? How dare you? ...after all I've done for you (as a child, what choice do I have?)"

"Love" is not enough, as I tried to share with the psychiatrist meeting with our family after my sister chose to be in a secure lock-down unit after her attempt. A mother who hides behind "but I'm her mother", or "love" is not in touch with what her impact is - blaming others, even the adult child herself who made the attempt, almost successfully. Not being willing to talk with a professional - or anyone else - about what could be going on. Taking pleasure in your distress...a real killer.

Would that we could separate ourselves from these parents who wouldn't let us live our own identity or reality...and when we do, they call us back expecting we have no other life than to care for their needs, especially when they could afford to hire help.

Yes, there are generational differences, privacy issues, but there are also choices and confidentiality that professionally and/or can be contractually required.

Yes, my mother didn't have as many choices as I do. Nor did she have much access to the $$$ that my father controlled, and if she chose to go up against him, she would lose as she did not have the social and professional standing he had, I understand that. But would she ever let me bring that up with her? let alone discuss it?

It's these things that go unacknowledged that do the most damage. Just bringing it out into the open would be at least a leg up on being mentally healthier, instead of being made to feel like you could go crazy because no one else is addressing any of their reality, let alone listening to what your might be.

I replied to you a little earlier before reading this post.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your sister.

Once my sister said to me: "you're insecure.... I'm insecure.... Our super-successful other brother is insecure... That's no coincidence, our parents messed up at some point!"

I think if someone sees their sibling go into hospital for emotional reasons that is going to have a negative impact. I would feel
1. Guilty for being stronger and
2. Afraid of reaching that point myself.

One of the first things I had to learn about myself is that, like it or not, despite actual mental problems, I'm actually quite strong (cue song "I will survive"!).

HI @thisismarilynb.

Excited for you & your upcoming trip.

I have to agree with and recognize your experience...when a person shows (albeit infrequently) that they are capable of "seeing you", with all the different ways that can be demonstrated, then I cannot abide with any "out" for them that 'they didn't know what they were doing'. Especially when - with great pain, effort and lack of seeing any other way around it - I addressed the person directly with these issues.

They could hear me, they chose to knee-jerk respond with defensive "How could you? How dare you? ...after all I've done for you (as a child, what choice do I have?)"

"Love" is not enough, as I tried to share with the psychiatrist meeting with our family after my sister chose to be in a secure lock-down unit after her attempt. A mother who hides behind "but I'm her mother", or "love" is not in touch with what her impact is - blaming others, even the adult child herself who made the attempt, almost successfully. Not being willing to talk with a professional - or anyone else - about what could be going on. Taking pleasure in your distress...a real killer.

Would that we could separate ourselves from these parents who wouldn't let us live our own identity or reality...and when we do, they call us back expecting we have no other life than to care for their needs, especially when they could afford to hire help.

Yes, there are generational differences, privacy issues, but there are also choices and confidentiality that professionally and/or can be contractually required.

Yes, my mother didn't have as many choices as I do. Nor did she have much access to the $$$ that my father controlled, and if she chose to go up against him, she would lose as she did not have the social and professional standing he had, I understand that. But would she ever let me bring that up with her? let alone discuss it?

It's these things that go unacknowledged that do the most damage. Just bringing it out into the open would be at least a leg up on being mentally healthier, instead of being made to feel like you could go crazy because no one else is addressing any of their reality, let alone listening to what your might be.

@grammy82 I wish it were that easy!

I don't even know how to separate it from "who I am", or what are my own thoughts, just that I know they are harmful to my self-esteem, my hope for my remaining future, and my hope that somehow I can find others who value what my challenge has been and can guide ahead, out of the quicksand I keep being mired in!

@ricm58 Well said.

I guess what lingers is the "black hole" of our struggle to be ourselves (whatever, whoever that is!), in spite of the template we were/are imprinted with. What a fundamental challenge! And where else do we or can we find guidance that is genuine, well-intentioned, without agenda or betrayal for just being, just trying to live, to find answers, without reprisal?

Religion is not the answer for me, and I don't want to raise that as an issue here.

But, if there is good, can we at least feel like we can talk with others who understand, or have themselves lived, or can through study and practice (whether professionally, or for their own lived experience) share their journey? I suppose that is what we are doing here, and I find hope in that.

However, I am in a period of gloom right now, especially because I am not finding that I can talk with those in my surroundings (partner, sister, mother) about my darkness and struggle. I am so weary, from my partner, of hearing "just take a walk", "get out", "listen to music you like". I have..., I do..., and I have... all of the above, and nothing changes. Time is a-wasting, and I must be the common denominator that is in the way.

Before I move on from this seeming solitary unresolvable gloom I'm in - does anyone else feel that - in spite of ALL their own efforts (therapy, reading, meds, talk, mental spinning / revisiting of unresolved issues and situations) that THEY themselves must be the obstacle? Worst case - that it somehow WORKS to NOT resolve these issues, in spite of the ongoing misery of spinning them minute-by-minute in your head?

And even, extrapolating further, (and I've read others who have pushed through, beyond their misery, to getting somehow beyond it all write about this here) -- the fear of finding on the other side what sadness there is in how much time / life / joy was lost before getting through to the other side???

Seems like a "lose - lose" to me, though if I ever have a chance to - in some way that I have not yet found in spite of best efforts - I WOULD choose to move through it, beyond it, so as to find there is a different way to "be", and a self that has joy in "just being".

I just CANNOT seem to find resolution.

Thank you to those who share their journey here. It does help in many ways more than all the other ways I've tried to get through this.

Only 5 days now. The suitcases are out and I am nervous. As I read the various posts I am constantly amazed at the damages caused to us by our parents. I am a parent. Probably because of the damage caused to me I didn't particularly want children, but the first one came anyway. When they put him in my arms my feelings were indescribable. I would have killed for him. I felt exactly the same way when my second son was born. How can anyone treat a child this way? Especially when they are your own flesh and blood. I am an old lady now and my sons are middle aged. But we still speak and are on good terms. And I never did to them what my mother did to me.

@thisismarilynb did you say your mom had a mental problem …? In which case one could say … she would be considered “guilty by reason of insanity” …?