Tired of living

It was not only the Jews who were persecuted by Hitler. He went after the Romani also. The Armenians also had their holocaust. It is a mystery to me why humans want to exterminate other humans just because of who they are and/or what they believe. Aren't we supposed to be civilized? I think the answer might be no.

I have never heard of logotherapy. I will look it up. I did go out to lunch today with two other women. I know one of the women has similar political interests with me and we will probably see each other occasionally. I don't think we will become close friends as she has a large family and an ailing husband to take up most of her time. But we will probably get together a few times. My concern right now is facing up to my doctors and letting them know why I am not happy with the care I am receiving. I do not make a habit of being confrontational, but when I have to defend myself I can and will do it. I refuse to be "sick" all the time because of their carelessness. Being on my own taught me how to stick up for myself and when I was working, how to negotiate my own raises. Bosses do not want to pay what you are worth I found so I did it myself and I was successful. As I have always been more or less a solitary person the social connections, or lack of them, do not bother me so much. As time goes by and I get more used to not having my husband perhaps I will go out more.

Thank you. I am going to try. I have done a lot of cruising. My husband and I started cruising in the 1980's and took a cruise a year. I have been pretty much all over the world. One of my favorites was Greenland. When you sail up the strait, in our case there was a small iceberg in he middle. It was like a work of art. There was hole in it and you could see the blue water. We were in a smaller ship and the Captain sailed around it so all could see it from every angle. Our last cruise was March, 2020. Then Covid brought us all to our knees. We already had reservations for another cruise but I had to cancel it when my husband died. So this will be the first without him. I am doing a lot of that - firsts without my husband. It still hurts very much.

You wrote that your therapist says you have PTSD because of childhood trauma.

I have deep trauma from childhood emotional neglect, and I think one of the most important insights for me was this: certain things I think and feel are NOT valid. What do I mean? If I think "I am not a good person" that is not a rational, genuine self-appraisal. It is an irrational feeling resulting from my early experiences. Thus it is pointless to listen to that feeling that "I'm not good". I've found that it's difficult but necessary to shrug off certain thoughts/ feelings, because taking them seriously is simply an error. Sometimes I need to put reason above emotion and say "I haven't been bad, thus this feeling is not reasonable".

That includes giving people the chance to welcome me and like me, rather than listening to my (unjustified) critical inner voice/feeling. I have to let people surprise me by liking me!

I enjoy reading your messages..you are truly a survivor, in fact we are all survivors and doing everything we can to stay in our world and lives longer. My parents were both holocaust survivors and my mom always told me, never give up on hope because where there’s life there’s also hope, don’t lose your sense of humour and try not to take yourself too serious. I feel if these words of advice kept her alive for five years in a prison camp then I’m listening… one more thing, she always said we can take a lot more in our lives than we ever thought possible…if someone told me a few years ago that I would go through a global pandemic and also get lung cancer twice in the past two years I would have said that I could never have survived such a thing but I was wrong and I’m still hanging in there, amen.

For you I will say Mi Besherach. My parents came to Canada much earlier - right after the Communists came to power in Russia. I heard stories of hiding in fields, etc. When you come to think of it, it is awful what humans do to other humans. And what is still worse is that we haven't learned a thing, because it is still happening. I am so very sorry of what you have had to go through during the last two years and grateful that you are persevering and overcoming it all. May it always be so.
Starting another weekend, I will have to get the suitcases in because I leave on our cruise on May 26th. So nervous about this. First one without my husband. At my age I wonder if this will be the last one. I guess it all depends on what the future holds and we don't know what that will be. I do not pray, but will have good thoughts for you in my heart.

That is such good advice. But the voices are so strong. I did not have neglect, but abuse. The voices are not mine but hers. It is still hard for me to walk alone because that voice keeps shaming me that I have no friends and am no good. I was constantly being punished for being bad. Now I punish myself for things I perceive as bad. Somewhere deep inside I do have a sane side telling me this is not so but I have not yet been able to get it up, and so I go on struggling. But I will continue to struggle and not give up. I left that cruel person called mother and learned to fend for myself. Everything I have now I have done by and for myself. So who knows, if I live long enough I may give that sane self a chance to burst out an say "Here I am. This is the real me."

For what it’s worth you sound very sane and wise to me.. it’s not unusual to always doubt yourself when someone very influential in your life made you question everything you are and what you need…some people go through terrible things and somehow they get back on their feet and keep moving forward, sadly not all of us are able to do that so we embark on a life’s journey with what I call two left feet… I wish you a happy and healthy holiday and remember you are now enjoying the trip for two, you are not alone and always remember that, enjoy and come back to tell us all about your cruise,

Oh, I can just imagine that iceberg...how great that you could get close to it! You have had a life I would dream of..seeing the world and other cultures. It is understandable that you have adjustments and adaptations to make in your life. What memories. I've found as I've gotten older how sustaining memories
can be.
Your lunch sounded really enjoyable...and though you may not see her often, that is ok. It has been my experience that the quality of the relationship can often beat the frequency. My closest friends live in Maine (who I will see in July). Thanks to Zoom and my phone..they are always close.
I have no doubt you can express yourself clearly and get your treatment adjusted to your liking....it may mean a change...but change can be good.💞

What a survivor you are~! Yes, when you are told you are wrong, bad, an accident of birth....we have to dig deep to realize we have value. When I read your posts, I'm amazed an impressed with your courage and perseverance.
YOU BET..."Here I am. This is the real me." What I found was that when I spoke my authentic thoughts, people responded. You will get the 'hugs' you are worthy of.💞
You have touched many people through your posts.
I'll be heading to Nova Scotia for my granddaughter's high school graduation in June!