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Tired of living
When I wake up each morning I am not grateful. For me life is not worth living. I had a miserable childhood and was traumatized by an abusive mother. I finally left home and went far away by myself to try and make a life. To a degree I was successful. I was fortunate to meet a wonderful man and we were married for 59 years before his death. Even so I have never been able to make friends or be comfortable in meeting people. I shrink from going into crowds. Now I am alone. I am 88 years old and am sick and tired of living. The only sure thing I know is that I will not do away with myself.
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I read some of your comments and I don’t know why you were listed under tired of living..you did everything right from leaving your abusive mother, finding the right man and getting a lifetime with him, living right so you are healthy and well into your eighties and last but not least you’re going on a cruise…I can’t think of anything to say other than “bravo “ and keep up the good work.
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2 ReactionsThank you for your kind words. One of the things about reaching such an old age is that you have outlived everybody.
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1 ReactionI know the cold in that area. I was born and raised in Winnipeg. I did explore going back to Winnipeg because a lot of my family is there, but I was warned against it. They felt I could not survive there during the winter as I have been in Southern California for so long.
WAIT!! Don't say to YOURSELF, "Hard to feel you are worthwhile with that kind of treatment." Don't you see the illogical conclusion?
Really, try to look at this situation as someone who just came from Mars. I don't want to take you to my way but would want YOU to be able to see For your Sake, that something is not right. And once you see that, YOU 'll say, "Ha...I've been thinking wrong all along!" And THAT will give you a first doze of VALUE that say you cannot find in YOU. I'll stop it here because in life lots of time it's these little insights and clever ways of looking at things that give US value; that I know something that no therapist/friend/neighbor has not been able to.
My good fellow human, I think we got it wrong when we attach OUR value with OTHER people's view about us unless those Other people can Convince YOU that your action/remark/idea WAS indeed worthy. This is what Socrates did EVEN when the Oracle said he was the wisest man in Athens.
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4 ReactionsBut that is exactly what I have been doing. I know that something is not right. I feel that I am different or I wouldn't have these relationship issues. I do not feel "normal." But how am I thinking wrong? It happens time after time. So you retreat into yourself and life is lonely, especially now. I have visited a couple of those facilities for independent and assisted living. Not a place I want to live. In fact other people have told me that I am a worthwhile person. So that is not the problem. It all comes back to me. This is trauma from my mother that I carry around to this day. She is why I was able to leave my family, friends and life so I could get away from her. I was finally able to tell her to her face that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with her - and I didn't. Didn't even go to her funeral. However there is some pain that lasts forever. My therapist said I have PTSD because of childhood trauma. I think about this a lot. I think I just have to learn to live with myself the way I am. Yes, it is a lonely existence, but I know no other way.
Thank you for your concern.
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3 ReactionsThanks for writing to me....you can see from all the responses that we are not alone in dealing with these feelings. A friend once said...love yourself! What? How do you do that? It took a great therapist to show me how to see my value. That feeling doesn't come to us when we use other people's behavior to indicate our worth.
You are a sharp gal, feisty, and have various interests, but more importantly, you already have the spirit to try.
You will be almost in my backyard when you get to Lake Michigan! Look around you and enjoy the views...and the cruise food. That sounds like a delightful trip.
Get those juices flowing and tackle the medical community when you get back. Have a great trip.💞
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4 ReactionsDid it ever occur to you everyday someone dies, moves away, becomes a different person that who u knew...there is a new person who is born, moves in your town, or changes into a new person? You only outlive Because you're having more LIFE...obviously you don't Desire shorter life...all healthcare is to promote longer lives and healthier. We can't all be 'Golden Girls' but we don't have be witty enough to have a claim on longer life. A life can be interesting (make it very Bold letters) only to the extent we CAN make it so. Now I'll be admitting I have NOT found a friend with whom I cannot chat about issues that interest me: mental health, is there such a thing as too much healthcare, are poor more violent even as much of the world is still poor+++? I went to two new places in the last week to find out if there are folks who are interested in similar topics...or some other such as Times puzzles like Hard Sudoku. I cannot not stop, life without meaningful social connection is wilted and wanting. But I CAN take care of my health, my cat finances...things I have full control. Remember Viktor Frankl of Man's Search for Meaning? A four-time holocaust survivor tells why life was still worth living in those camps! Logotherapy is his approach to lfe.
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4 ReactionsWhat a beautiful and inspiring post. I smiled ..I was a senior in high school in 1957 too! Your parents sound delightful, and they certainly loved you.
To share a bit...one of my sons was addicted to cocaine for about 25 years. He is now 62 and has been clean for over ten years. Let the anguish go...I spent years trying 'to save him,' and after some of his friends died...he realized he had to work the NA program and that only when he said enough is enough would he stop. I have to look at his life now and say....he is happy...and I don't look for anything from him but am thankful for what I get. He was so bright but dropped out of college...and now he struggles financially. My Dad was an alcoholic, too...but that is another story.
There is an age for the woods and an age for the suburbs. You sound as though you have a pretty good handle on things. It is hard, but we have to let our offspring wake up.
Ah!!! I hope you still kept the lake home...tough to beat Mother Nature!! Be well with yourself.💞
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3 ReactionsI neglected to mention the Holocaust survivors--they are amazing examples of what determination, love, and perseverance can accomplish. These qualities can serve as examples to all of us dealing with the unknowns in our journeys.💞
Before life changed directions...I just knew I wanted to paint to try to put the beauty I saw in nature on canvas, so I took an oils class back in the late 90s. I probably learned the most when I thought I'd tackle a portrait of Michael Jordan! Now many years later, I've settled on watercolors.
I figure each day I have so many pockets of energy and now use them doing things that please me. When I paint, I lose track of time and forget everything.
A hobby or interest of some kind can keep us going in a positive direction, I think. We all can find ours if we look.
Thanks for your kind words!💞🎨
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