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‘Just Put Her in a Home,' They Say
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Nov 13 12:41pm | Replies (34)Comment receiving replies
So many difficult emotions to process. Life is change and impermanence. To accept that can help us find peace in the moment and find love and compassion in our hearts to carry on.
I am caregiver for my mom and my hubby who has Lewy Body dementia. We all live in the same home and some days it can be pretty challenging. I plan to take care of them at home but perhaps some day that will have to change. I hope not. Today my husband said to me, “You have been the love of my life. I am so grateful for you.” Wow - such highs and lows with caregiving but each moment with them is truly precious. It makes the decision to keep them with me so much easier.
I write the following with great respect and caring so please forgive me if this next bit seems out of bounds for you. I have not done it and don’t plan to but I believe in WA you can divorce your spouse and transfer all but some 5-figure # to yourself. I am not sure what that amount is but years ago I remember it being around $75,000. This allows you to qualify your spouse for Medicaid and get financial more assistance. You can still help her in anyway possible but perhaps not leave yourself financially strapped in your “golden” years. Thank you for sharing your post. It helps us all feel more connected to each other and the tough decisions we often have to make. We do our best and that is all we can do.
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@mrjohnwebb My husband recently moved into independent living with Care. I know of a woman who did exactly what you suggest; she divorced her husband in order to protect herself financially. When I first heard this, I thought, No way would I ever do that. But maybe I should think again. I love my husband and he loves me and I'd feel like I was somehow betraying him if I were to divorce him in order to take his money. His retirement is much more than mine, so it really is his money. I owe him so much, more than love even, and I want what's best for him first and foremost. He doesn't want to be where is is now and talks about coming home every time I see him, which is practically everyday, but he had a serious fall that put him in the hospital for two weeks and rehab for two weeks, and I simply can't care for him at home, as I have health issues myself. (aortic aneurysm and RA) I miss him terribly and had planned on both of us aging in place, then he had the fall that put us in crisis mode. He's in a good place, run by wonderful people. He has everything he needs and I can visit all the time. The whole situation is incredibly depressing but this seems to my, my family, and my friends to be the best option. He has Alzheimer's and will only get worse. At least now he's safely in a place where he can remain and won't have to go through the whole miserable transition all over again when things get worse. I feel quasi-guilty when I read about devoted spouses caring for their loved one at home. My son-in-law's 80 yr. old father cared for his wife with Alzheimer's at home until she died. I don't know how on earth he managed it. I know I can't do it. Love has nothing to do with it. Of course, I want my husband at home. I want to do all the fun things we used to do. I'm so sad and can't imagine ever being anything else, but I'm doing what I believe is best for both of us. Divorce may be a bridge too far but perhaps I should consider it? I'm my husband's beneficiary, so the money will come to me anyway if I survive him. Thoughts?