Tired of living

@thisismarilynb you got this! I know you can do it because I am very much like you. I am only suggesting what I have tried and found to be a fact.

I grew up in a very backward East Indian family where the mother cared only for her sons and they were her only focus. I being a girl - a disfigured one at that (I am totally blind in one eye) so considered improbable to get married off - was a sore point in her life - a millstone around her neck. I was an A student in school but was forced by my mother to leave school at 14 when my father died because she felt girls were not worth spending money on education - their purpose in life was just to get married and run a husband’s household. Add to being disregarded by everyone I suffered physical and emotional abuse at her hands and was a sexual prey to random men (thankfully not my father - but I was too afraid to tell him because when I told my mother I was just beaten more and told it was my fault). With the help of a family friend’s encouragement I was able to leave the country on my own a week before my 23rd birthday and make a life for myself half way across the globe.

It’s a long story of physical, mental and sexual abuse but this is the gist of it. I long since have forgiven my mother because over the years I came to realize she was only a product of her own upbringing - she really didn’t know any better.

@thisismarilynb you got this! I know you can do it because I am very much like you. I am only suggesting what I have tried and found to be a fact.

I grew up in a very backward East Indian family where the mother cared only for her sons and they were her only focus. I being a girl - a disfigured one at that (I am totally blind in one eye) so considered improbable to get married off - was a sore point in her life - a millstone around her neck. I was an A student in school but was forced by my mother to leave school at 14 when my father died because she felt girls were not worth spending money on education - their purpose in life was just to get married and run a husband’s household. Add to being disregarded by everyone I suffered physical and emotional abuse at her hands and was a sexual prey to random men (thankfully not my father - but I was too afraid to tell him because when I told my mother I was just beaten more and told it was my fault). With the help of a family friend’s encouragement I was able to leave the country on my own a week before my 23rd birthday and make a life for myself half way across the globe.

It’s a long story of physical, mental and sexual abuse but this is the gist of it. I long since have forgiven my mother because over the years I came to realize she was only a product of her own upbringing - she really didn’t know any better.

I know all about Canada. I was born and raised in Winnipeg. Probably one of the coldest cities in Canada. One of the biggest problems I have faced and still am facing was being raised by an abusive mother. It was either leave or die. So I chose to leave. Now I live in Southern California but all my family is scattered all over Canada.

in reply to @thisismarilynb Winnipeg is darn cold, Vancouver, where I lived as a child, was constantly wet. However, I think if my father had not forced my mother to move to California, my own upbringing would have been one that I wanted to remember, but now I'm trying to forget. What is it about abusive mothers? I was the youngest of three daughters, and was the target of my mother's wrath. Having said this, I have to believe she did the best she did within her limits. We were never close, I have never known a "mothers" love, and have always sought out others to fulfill what she stole from me. I too have relatives scattered in Canada, and have recently given thought to moving back to Vancouver to live near my cousin, however, between the rain and taxes, I do not see this as a viable opportunity. But, I still keep this dream in the back of my mind. I love all things Canadian, as I think as a society they are more civilized thann many of those in the States, presently.

@thisismarilynb on the subject of weather I can relate because I too am very affected by weather, and dark, wet, gloomy weather has its toll on me as well - just saying, so you know you are not alone in this, either. I don’t know where you live, but where I live - in Canada - we have just gone through six months where it gets dark by 5:00 p.m., and this Spring (which here still may as well be considered Winter, except for more daylight, lol) has been a wet one with more rain than sunshine; so I hear you. Here is something I came across that might (hopefully) make you laugh.

Hi from the U.S. 👋🏻
I had a dysfunctional family growing up as well, but different things than you went through. I feel terrible that you had to go through that! It’s sickening. My dad had alcoholism, so a lot of dysfunction, and he died from it when I was at university.
I went to my 1st therapist around age 26, and while I understood things, I didn’t feel normal my whole life. Thankfully, I got enough therapy where I wasn’t a mess, and met a wonderful man, and we have been married for 38 years. While we lived a regular suburban life, and raised 3 great, respectful kids, it was ME who never felt right.

I’m not sure about the UK, but here in America, they have done all the studies and research, and now are having tremendous results for longterm trauma (childhood PTSD for example) by offering 3 very successful treatments:
1. TMS - Transcranial Magnetic Resonance.

2. ECT treatments (do NOT think at all about the movie: “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!”) It has evolved into a bonafide, highly studied, and highly successful treatment, with a highly qualified doctors, anesthesiologist, and nurse there.

3. Ketamine treatments…highly monitored throughout the process.

All 3 of these areas have had people say they’ve felt off and disconnected their whole lives, and tried at least 2 therapists (counselors) and at least 2-4 different depression medications, that may have worked for a time, but eventually were not nearly as effective. But then these same people, who have been accepted for one of the above treatment plans by a Psychiatrist, say they never thought they could feel “normal” much less happy!

I’ve got Psychiatrist consultations set up this month to check into these 3 options. Information matters. So there’s much hope for you!

Thank you so much for your insights and information. I have an on and off therapist whom I like very much. Right now she is off due to a family emergency. I will write down the therapies you suggested and discuss them with her when she is back. She also told me that I had PTSD due to my mother. I finally left home. I was (and really still am) a Canadian. Nevertheless I went to San Diego all by myself and was able to find a job and a place to live and after a year I met the man who became my husband. We were married 59 years before he died. But you are so right that you always feel you are the one who is off. In my case I pictured myself as a dog who was looking in through a window at everyone having a good time but there was no way for me to get in. As a rule I shy away from medications because most of the time I have strange reactions to them. Now I am really old (88) and alone. Don't know how much longer I will be here. Am in fairly good health otherwise and I still have my mind, which is important. I am still able to live independently and will continue to do so until the bitter end. The people on this site who have responded to me are wonderful.

Dear Rashida,

After reading your post, My heart ached for what. you went through as a child. You were so fortunate to have that friend help to leave your family. Tough decision have to be made in our lives which is never easy. Often it is done one step at a time. With faith there is a better world out there for you. IT's like taking a leap when you don't know where you will land. But we do it anyway because the situation we are in is beyond tolerable.
I believe you are a very very special person. The higher power had a life plan for you in your life that would come to fruition once the stars were aligned. I commend you for your courage and having to break away from that dysfunctional cycle. Think, you broke that cycle. So much is fear based and culturally ingrained is women. At some point even though your mom could not acknowledge yes she was the product of her own family and cultural, not withstand the emotional and. physical abuse you endured. Again, it's great you were able to let go as it is caustic to he mind and body. Memories no will not be totally erased but we have to see them from different prospectives. Perhaps you are a person who will. teach others by your experience how we can take a step and move forward preserving ourself. Sadly some women have not choice. May there be something better in their life that someday makes them happy.
My hope you have found a new life with loving people and support . We can create our own families and teach the lessons some women ever were lucky to receive. All your experiences serve a purpose not only to yourself but to other to understand that many obstacles in life can be overcome...not ever easy but not impossible. My question to those in crisis? How badly do you want change to happen. What are you willing to risk? IT's scary as there are no easy answer and we al are different base as you mention how you were raise. Regardless you and the can alway make change. Often we just need understanding not empathy to move forward. A smile and greeting and the heart feels it. IT's like medicine. I hope you have a good family of your own. Journal that often helps too. Think You broke that cycle. IT's 2023, things are changing. Best of luck, let us know how you are doing. IF we can't find compassion with people. Animals are great gifts in our live. They don't judge and are always there for us.