Tired of living

Yes, I feel your good vibes. Thank you for the encouragement. A lot of the things you mention are not for me, though. I have never been able to connect well with people. I have mentioned this to my therapist. So I am used to being alone. Although now without my husband there is also loneliness. I am aware that volunteers do great work, but I have shied away from it for two reasons. The first is my inability to connect to other people and the second is that I feel I am too old. At 88 I don't have the stamina. I like to sleep in in the mornings. I move slowly through the day as I get things done. Fortunately I am still able to maintain my independence and will cling to that as long as I can. Also I am a humanist and don't have much use for organized religion. This bothers a lot of people because they don't understand or want to understand. But it makes sense to me and as far I am concerned that's all that counts. I do not like anyone preaching at me. My health otherwise is fairly good and I don't take very much medication so who knows how many more years I might have? I do feel extremely fortunate to still maintain my mind. I will go on YouTube to find John Bradshaw after breakfast. Thank you so much for caring. It means a lot.

Oh no, can't have that. Every life is valuable, I am watching pluto dream relax, trying to get through the night after a covid diagnosis. I am a caregiver. We will both make it through our darkest hours. I stumble upon this group when searching for a bit of comfort. I will trade you a story. I was orphaned at 15 years, motherless, papa was an alcoholic and indifferent. Grand MA was an alcoholic as well. My family is from the deep south, we were always hungry. As the youngest of three sisters, who belong to a cult, strangers are my closest friends, and make the best friends. The roses have now come alive, it's almost time for gardening. The sun will shine tomorrow just for you and me.

You' re welcomed, all just suggestions only... one shoe doesn't fill all. Understandable.how you feel. John Bradshaw doesn't preach thank goodness, just helps to understand. That's all . Best of Luck. The only thing my therapist explained to me that I had to let go of the anger which took me years. That was my personal problem otherwise it would eat me up which almost happen. In my case I found I had to deal with other challenges like loosing a baby, having cancer and most recently dealing with a kidney transplant and surgery which laid me in a hospital for four months. Maybe I adjust grateful and happy to be alive despite what I have experience and challenges was told not to have a pity party. Strange as other have not experience our own personal journey. Easy for them to say right? Walk the walk and then you can talk is my saying. Take care of yourself, yes there are a lot of people who care although we may not know you.

You' re welcomed, all just suggestions only... one shoe doesn't fill all. Understandable.how you feel. John Bradshaw doesn't preach thank goodness, just helps to understand. That's all . Best of Luck. The only thing my therapist explained to me that I had to let go of the anger which took me years. That was my personal problem otherwise it would eat me up which almost happen. In my case I found I had to deal with other challenges like loosing a baby, having cancer and most recently dealing with a kidney transplant and surgery which laid me in a hospital for four months. Maybe I adjust grateful and happy to be alive despite what I have experience and challenges was told not to have a pity party. Strange as other have not experience our own personal journey. Easy for them to say right? Walk the walk and then you can talk is my saying. Take care of yourself, yes there are a lot of people who care although we may not know you.

in reply to @yani2023 I commend you for overcoming so many challenges in your life. I have had my share of grief, and like you, I make it a point to wake up each day with gratitude because I know that many did not wake up today, or they woke up and learned that their life would soon end. I thought I was doing well with my liver/pancreatic issues, lab tests that suggest multiple myeloma, etc, until I found a lump on my breast a few days ago. Normally I would not be as concerned as I am, but breast cancer runs rampant on my mother's side of my family. She died from it, as did my aunt and grandmother, Both of my sisters had breast cancer in their 60's. While my doctor told me yesterday he did not suspect the lump was of great concern, I know I will breathe a little easier once I have the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound next week. Sometimes it feels like I cannot catch a break, but I still have gratitude because at this point in life, that is all we have. I too give much of myself to others without expecting anything in return. Sometimes I do feel let down by those who do not appreciate my kindness, but I try not to take it personally when I am shunned because of my disease, my "lifestyle" or any other thing for that matter. In any event, you seem to be doing a fantastic job handling everything life has thrown your way, and I admire your strength.

Frances I was touched by your reply. Thank you of course. I am with you that when I wake up in the morning and I find I opened my eyes, Yes, we take a deep breathe and just say to ourselves we are alive. Thanks to a higher power( what ever your belief system is) or if you have no belief system breath and acknowledge to yourself you are alive one more day.

Gratitude in my opinion is sadly overlooked by many people who are cluelessly unaware of what each person no matter how rich, old, accomplished, ect ect we are may experience. Sadly far too many are not very observant of what goes on in other peoples lives, or do not have the ability to be sensitive, understanding to other experiences * eg. Medical conditions/diseases , home displacement, violence, loss, crime, poverty and list goes on and on, until we walk that walk ourselves. No one can teach theses life lessons which we all, no matter who we are, will experience in life. Some early in life others later in life.
Our society is on a merry go round going faster and faster, We don't want to get off and smell the roses that are in our lives. Perhaps I was taught as a children to observe other people and be cognizant of their life experience of which sadly many people have no control of. Only in my opinion, there is not formula for the life lessons we learn will learn along the way of our years here on earth.
Fear paralyzes so many people. ITs caustic and until we understand the source of where fear comes from we are stuck in the same mindset. Having empathy with others is short of unheard of today. The pace of life is far too busy and so often so difficult during different times in our lives. I believe (only own opinion ) we have to remove ourselves and get off the merry go round to give our mind a break thus allowing the mind and spirit within us to rest and recharge to continue.
Guess my mother who was a nurse practitioner since WWII would say, I don't care what you are going through, In this house there is no pity party. Pick yourself up or your own thoughts will swallow you up in a heart beat. Do not look at what you don't. have but stop and think about what you are lucky to have at this point. She had seen returning vet from WWII.
She would say," You can change a situation at any time based on attitude, decision we make and letting go of the fear.}. Some thing we have no control of so give it up." Once you understand this. you will be better off. You can't have everything your way." It's Your choice how you observe and see things that happen to us. Everyone's choice. Life lessons.

Guidance? Unfortunately many people are raised in dysfunctional families with no guidance,... so we have to seek it ourselves.. I don't care if you believe in GOD, Nature or whatever. Humans are just not made up of atoms). We are the spark of life that's why we are alive and breathing, We aren't accident that just happen. For certain during different times in our lives at some point in our lives we will question many things that happen to us, of which we in some situation have no control. What are these experience which we all
have in life? Lessons we pass through. THEy will bring understanding and peace ;however, painful they may be. Being stuck in a situation when fear paralyzes can be difficult to overcome but we have to process that fear and move forward with our lives.

Again to understand that everyday we wake up and breathe and have our sight is a gift. Sadly many people never stop to realize what they do have/had in life instead of what they want or need to live a happy life. Guess I think when I was a child and my mom would take me to work with. her. Seeing people gravely terminally ill woke me up. I saw people in those iron lung machines ( polio in the 1950's. As frighten as it was to see these children my age was to understand how lucky many of us children in the 1950's did not contract polio). I never imagine that was a life lesson not experienced by enough people.
When we have financial security, good home, great friends, travel and opportunities they are often taken for granted. Some people are Clueless to the fact that money means nothing if you don't have your health. We see this with movie stars celebrities and others in our time.

Okay, sorry to get of the tangent here. With our possible diagnosis's do not fear. Modern medicine if fabulous. Take a tape recorder with you and take a deep breathe, your dr will guide you and take care of what ever your diagnosis is. My Sense is you will be fine. Treatment for Cancer has come a very long way. We have to trust as much as possible and make a plan for ourselves. Others have walked in your shoes. Best of luck.

Lastly my life lesson from my mother was HAVE NO PITY Party. Put your big girl panties on and move forward. She would say, "Stop the Bellyaching". I finally got it at an early age and this has carried me through whatever I have gone through, otherwise we might as well roll up in a ball and allow other to make decisions for us.

Keep in touch if you need anything else. Glad to help in any way.
My best.

in reply to @yani2023 Yani, thank you for your lovely note. I agree with you on the self pity issue, however, having compassion for yourself is okay. Self pity is sometimes a result of depression and can limit one's ability to see what is really going on, presently. Think: "I cannot see the forest through the trees." I think our mothers were related, because I too grew up with that mentality that one should "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and just move on. I am not sure this was a healthy thing to instill in a child, because sometimes we all need some help when we are unable to help ourselves. In other words, it is okay to ask for help. I do not practice self pity, but there are times when I feel sad for myself and for the things in my life I have had to bear. At times all of it has felt like too much. I am not religious, so when people tell me "God does not give us more than we can handle" I simply file that away because it is not helpful when we are unable to find a reason for our own sufferings.
I do not trust that my doctor has my best interests in mind. Afterall, he has asked me twice now if I want a new one. I still see him, but I have other clinicians that I know have compassion for me and are willing to listen to my fears about all of my various conditions.
As far as dysfunctional families, I agree with you. I have older 2 sisters, one of whom has not spoken t me in over 2 years because of something that happened, which was so insignificant that I have forgotten what it was all about, her reason for dumping me. I am fortunate to have another sister, ten years older than I, with whom I have always been close to. However, she is facing her own dilemma, so I try not to add anymore worry to her life by telling her the minute details about my own health situation.
I am fortunate to have a good support system, a very positive attitude, and compassion for others that is without end. I like you, have an abundance of gratitude, that many do not. In fact, I would dare say that many do not know what this means, gratitude. Every day is a gift. And as you mentioned, when you wake up and breathe, you are alive. Another day, a gift.
My heart is with you.

This is good advice and I hope I can do it. My usual style is to just hide. Even now, I was going to delete your message, but decided that was not right. Thank you for reaching out Maybe I can do this.

Not being funny or facetious, it is raining today and for the next two days, so the sunshine is on vacation right now. My moods are sensitive to the weather. If it is grey and cold, so am I. My mother was cold and abusive. When I search my memory I cannot find any instances of being hugged, kissed or told any loving words, so I may have just as motherless. What I do remember is searching piles of dirty clothes for something to wear to school because she couldn't bother to get up to see that her children were properly dressed or fed before going to school. We weren't even teenagers. I remember leaving the house for hours so she couldn't get to me. My Dad was not an alcoholic, but never did anything. He worked a lot and we were not hungry, but there was no love or affection. My therapist says I have PTSD. The best thing in my life was meeting my husband. Had 59 wonderful years with him and two boys. Now I am alone and quite old. Thankfully I still have my mind so I am able to live independently and make my own decisions. I learned how to drive on the freeway so can get myself anywhere I need to go. I feel like Old Man River - tired of living and scared of dying. But at this point there is not much point in living. I just go on day to day. The pain of his loss is still great.

@thisismarilynb on the subject of weather I can relate because I too am very affected by weather, and dark, wet, gloomy weather has its toll on me as well - just saying, so you know you are not alone in this, either. I don’t know where you live, but where I live - in Canada - we have just gone through six months where it gets dark by 5:00 p.m., and this Spring (which here still may as well be considered Winter, except for more daylight, lol) has been a wet one with more rain than sunshine; so I hear you. Here is something I came across that might (hopefully) make you laugh.