Tired of living

In reply to @thisismarilynb
I am sorry about how you are feeling when you wake up each day. I used to feel the same way, until I developed a personal mantra that I actually say out loud to my now deceased dog's picture, and it is: Ducky, we got another day, many did not; and I am going to make this one count because yesterday's dream is gone and all I have is today."
This helps me keep things in perspective, knowing that many today did not wake up, or woke up feeling a lot worse than I am. I am not minimizing your experience, I am only speaking about my experience. I feel great empathy and compassion for you, and wish that I could teach you some of the things that I have learned in an effort to better cope with my situation. Having said this, yesterday I had a feeling my oldest sister described to me a few weeks ago, and that was that sometimes she feels so depressed about her husband's dementia that she feels immobilized. Yesterday I felt immobilized for the first time in decades. I attributed these feelings that the day before I saw my PCP who told me he would be going over some lab test results with me, there are too many to count. When I asked him about two specific tests his response was :" I do not understand these results, it looks like some kind of inflammatory process and you will have to see the hematologist." When I asked how long that would take, he said" well, it could take awhile, we will just have to wait."
At least I have the name of the specialist to whom he referred me, and I will call them this week for an appointment. I am still feeling a bit weary today, but currently listening to my loud music and will later work on some art projects I have going on in my dining room that looks like an artist's loft. I may cry today, it has been a while and sometimes the burden I carry does feel so heavy. I try to find reasons or mechanisms, however small, to try to enlighten myself and lighten my load. Sometimes I even go out on my patio and throw rocks at the fence or go for a walk and pick more flowers and leaves to press. A walk will have to wait because it is cold and my fingers are white. Gloves are in order.
I take care of my 84 year old neighbor/friend who has developed dementia, so naturally our relationship has changed in many ways. We had a lot of fun together before she got to her present condition and this saddens me greatly because I am unable to get her interested in anything. I envy you in some way that you are healthy and have all of your faculties, whereas my dear friend has lost hers.
Keep up the good work.

I am touched by your posting, "Tired of living."
Many of us on Mayo Clinic Connect understand what you are experiencing. I have been plagued with ACE's (Adverse Childhood Experiences) my entire life until just recently. And I am 75 years old. I am telling you that it is never too late to blossom from the clutches of your verbally abusive childhood that has undermined your happiness. It is clear to me that you still possess your most important asset - YOUR MIND! You should be proud of that. That means that God is not done with you. You have so much to offer people. Your mental clarity and your eloquent style of expressing who you are shines through in your literary composition. I am perceiving that you are of GENIUS intellect. Am I right?
There is a therapy to help people with PTSD. It is called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It's relatively new to the therapist's toolbox. But it is amazingly effective. It worked for me - and in just one session. Be cautioned that your therapist must be trained in the technique for it to be effective.
While this was a significant starting point in my lifelong journey from clinical depression, it was not until I reunited with my church that brought about complete healing. I have read your past posts, and I know that you are not of the Christian faith. But perhaps meeting up with some people who share the same beliefs as you would be of value. You are an amazing woman. And whether you realize it or not, you have helped many people on the Mayo Clinic Connect website. I wish you the best. You deserve it!

Thank you so much. It helps me to read all these posts which encourage me. Although I am suffering from depression, it is not clinical depression. It is because during the last year and a half not only did I lose my husband but I had to have a complete hip replacement. I had to endure three weeks in a so-called skilled nursing facility. Ha! They can kill you in those places. I think they only exist in order to cheat Medicare. I am definitely not of genius intellect. Of course I was not allowed to go to university because I was so stupid. So I received my degree from the School of Hard Knocks. Probably many people on this site went to that same school. Life is hard right now but hopefully day by day it will get better and so will we all.

That really hit home!!!! Beautifully said and I hear every word! Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Thank you Kate. That is very kind of you to say 😊.

I have not read much of the other responses so I apologize for that or any “ repeated commentary.
You have what is referred to as “ Freedom of Will.”

You can choose which path to take, which traits to change, it’s not easy, but worth the effort ( you’re go to stay around anyway, you might as well improve you situation).
You can be assured that you’re no the only abused child, told non supportive things.
You may not have what most feel are necessary for happiness, but you have to seek them, they may not show up on there own.
You don’t have to be an extrovert to accept the friends, just be willing.
Think of what you like, and do it!!

Way to go, @thisismarilynb! 🙌🏼 you’ve taken a very positive step in the right direction! Just look everyone in the eye with a big bright smile and it will switch off that neon light on your forehead - people will be more focused on your bright smile and your cheery hello! Just introduce yourself to everyone, and don’t be afraid to admit to them that all this is new to you - you may find a few people there admitting to the same fears!

So happy for you!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello,
Wish l could comfort you or say the right thongs... But except for the fact that l'm turning "just" 72 soon and that my good husband is thank god still around (though battling prostate cancer) l can really feel and relate to what you write. Beginning with the abusive mother, the crashed self-esteem, at this stage neither family nor friends around, find making friends (if at all possible) totally overwhelming and stressful. I feel like l must deliver the goods but l am not up to it. If you care to write l'd love to hear from you. Wish you some peace of mind🙏🪻

Just hearing from you comforts me. My Mayo Clinic Connect friends have been so great. I do remember that for me life was great at 72. In only 4 months I will be 89. I can't imagine that. I do have one friend here in our community and we are going on a cruise later this month. The Great Lakes. I am apprehensive. My husband will not be with me and my grief is still great. My therapist calls it progressive grief because it was interrupted by my hip replacement surgery. That alone took about a year. After some lovely weather it has turned cold and grey again and that's how I feel. I have been in the house with no wish to leave. However if it doesn't rain today I must go and collect the mail. I need to see to the things I want to take with me and make a list of anything I need to buy. Have to visit TSA and see if the rules are changed. At least it gives me something to do. I am also not happy with my medical care. At my last visit the doctor asked about my back pain. I thought he was crazy. I do not and never have had back pain. But evidently there is an x-ray in my files that says I should have back pain. Something is definitely wrong there. So another thing on my to do list. I am going to prepare a letter for my next appointment with all the things I am unhappy about and the care I am not getting and see what kind of response I get. Apparently these days we have to be our own doctors. I also react inappropriately to medications. Always complain about it but get nowhere. Thanks to the internet I found a name for this. That will also go on the list.
At this point in my life I guess I need to accept who and what I am. I do have a good therapist. Right now she is busy with a family emergency but we will talk about this when things get better for her. Whatever time I have left will be alone and pretty much lonely. That's what I need to come to grips with.
Thanks for writing.