1. < Just Want to Talk

Tired of living

Posted by thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb, Apr 17, 2023

When I wake up each morning I am not grateful. For me life is not worth living. I had a miserable childhood and was traumatized by an abusive mother. I finally left home and went far away by myself to try and make a life. To a degree I was successful. I was fortunate to meet a wonderful man and we were married for 59 years before his death. Even so I have never been able to make friends or be comfortable in meeting people. I shrink from going into crowds. Now I am alone. I am 88 years old and am sick and tired of living. The only sure thing I know is that I will not do away with myself.

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Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Apr 18, 2023

@thisismarilynb I sincerely hope you can see how you making your original post has opened up quite a response from several members. We are reaching out to you, and to each other. All this is to say, "You done good!" And, "Thank you!"
Ginger

REPLY
1 reply
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Apr 18, 2023
In reply to @gingerw "@thisismarilynb I sincerely hope you can see how you making your original post has opened up..." + (show)
@gingerw

@thisismarilynb I sincerely hope you can see how you making your original post has opened up quite a response from several members. We are reaching out to you, and to each other. All this is to say, "You done good!" And, "Thank you!"
Ginger

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Those responses were extremely helpful to me. Today coming home from the doctor I decided to stop in at The Bistro in our community to order a small meal to take home. With the help of all these wonderful people, I was able to go in and order, and guess what - the neon sign wasn't there. I am also able to accept the fact that I will always be a shy and quiet person. That's just who I am. Now I have to accept that the man I lived with and loved for 59 years is no longer here. That's going to be hard.

REPLY
1 reply
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Apr 18, 2023
In reply to @brandysparks "Oh my goodness.!...thank you! I don't think I've ever had someone take the time & make..." + (show)
@brandysparks

Oh my goodness.!...thank you!

I don't think I've ever had someone take the time & make the effort to say and share what you've just said here. I deeply thank you. I also feel when beginning to discuss anything related to this subject that the person is about to 'exit stage right'...that there's not enough time or interest to be present, to listen. Not enough time to "sit with me and my struggle", not enough time or interest to call it what it is, acknowledge its impact and toll, with the hope being I can then set it aside and trudge forward.
Even as I type this the voice inside questions my experience, doubting any of it, or that it could have had the impact it did. And there I sit, once again stuck, mired in what was, instead of what yet could still be.
Thank you friend @nemo1. I'll keep trudging along, and hope that soon my heart can pulse more with joy in being, than just the duty to exist.
Hugs to you and hope we will be connecting further along the way.

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I'm tired of living and scared of dying and Old Man River he just keeps rolling along.

REPLY
bellsina71 | @bellsina71 | Apr 18, 2023

You can get her voice out of your head by realizing that she has no power over you. Even now, you can scream to her that you are not going to do what she wants, she has no power and is not going to take one more minute of your time! Let go of that little child that was abused and neglected and treated terrible. Realize that your mother was probably not treated very well as a child herself and more than likely mentally or physically abused. If you can find compassion for her as a child, you may be able to find forgiveness and that forgiveness may possibly help you to let go.
♥️

REPLY
rashida | @rashida | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @casey1329 "Wow, that is beautiful. I'll copy it and keep it handy...thanks" + (show)
@casey1329

Wow, that is beautiful. I'll copy it and keep it handy...thanks

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@casey1329 I think the title of this prose is Desiderata by Max Ehrmann:
https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

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brandysparks | @brandysparks | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @thisismarilynb "Those responses were extremely helpful to me. Today coming home from the doctor I decided to..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

Those responses were extremely helpful to me. Today coming home from the doctor I decided to stop in at The Bistro in our community to order a small meal to take home. With the help of all these wonderful people, I was able to go in and order, and guess what - the neon sign wasn't there. I am also able to accept the fact that I will always be a shy and quiet person. That's just who I am. Now I have to accept that the man I lived with and loved for 59 years is no longer here. That's going to be hard.

Jump to this post

@thisismarilynb - As they say, and I say it now: "you go girl!"

Here's to more small adventures!

REPLY
1 reply
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @brandysparks "@thisismarilynb - As they say, and I say it now: "you go girl!" Here's to more..." + (show)
@brandysparks

@thisismarilynb - As they say, and I say it now: "you go girl!"

Here's to more small adventures!

Jump to this post

I am going - way out of my comfort zone. I will be leaving on a cruise on May 26th through the Great Lakes. I am really scared, but have to do it. Otherwise I think I will just wither on the vine. Saw my doctor yesterday and he said I was in good shape even though I am so old.

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2 replies
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @bellsina71 "Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in..." + (show)
@bellsina71

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as you can without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your Truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story! Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter: for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not veign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you and sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle to yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the Stars; you have a right to be here! And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with god, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your laborers and aspirations and the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy!!!
-Max Ehrmann 1927

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I really had to read this over several times to let it sink in. A lot of wisdom and good advice there. I really appreciate your eschewing of religion. Everyone believes differently (or not) and the pushing of other's belief is not always tolerated well. I have been very down for a while. But I have received so much support from all the people here that I had a much better day yesterday - even with a doctor's appointment. Without being disrespectful I insisted that my doctor explain exactly what is going on with me. I told him reading about diagnoses after the fact just didn't cut it. So he did. In the end he said I was really doing well for my age and maybe better than people younger than me. I know why that is. In my 30's I got into racewalking. And even though I had a full-time job and a family to look after, I took the time to go to a track every day after work and race walk several miles. I did this until I retired at age 67. I still continued to walk until my right hip gave way and I ultimately had to have it replaced. So here I am at 88 with my mind still intact and with the help of a titanium hip so is my body. Things are still hard as I miss my husband so much. I don't yet have a clear picture of how this will end, but I go on - with the help of all of you. Thank you.

REPLY
1 reply
brandysparks | @brandysparks | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I am going - way out of my comfort zone. I will be leaving on a..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I am going - way out of my comfort zone. I will be leaving on a cruise on May 26th through the Great Lakes. I am really scared, but have to do it. Otherwise I think I will just wither on the vine. Saw my doctor yesterday and he said I was in good shape even though I am so old.

Jump to this post

@thisismarilynb - Sooooo inspired by your action here!
What a great idea...you can choose what you want, probably pretty much when you want it, and rest when you choose - with the privacy of your cabin as your foundation!

Zowee! Again: proud of you (if I may say so! ) & thrilled to hear about your ongoing adventures.

Give a big hug to yourself, too!

Please keep updating.

REPLY
1 reply
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Apr 19, 2023
In reply to @brandysparks "@thisismarilynb - Sooooo inspired by your action here! What a great idea...you can choose what you..." + (show)
@brandysparks

@thisismarilynb - Sooooo inspired by your action here!
What a great idea...you can choose what you want, probably pretty much when you want it, and rest when you choose - with the privacy of your cabin as your foundation!

Zowee! Again: proud of you (if I may say so! ) & thrilled to hear about your ongoing adventures.

Give a big hug to yourself, too!

Please keep updating.

Jump to this post

Not brave enough to go alone yet. A friend and I are going together. She and I will share a cabin, yes, but twin beds. My husband and I cruised a lot. We have had the same travel agent for years and years. He put it all together for me. But I have seen sites that are for solo travelers. I will see how this goes and who knows? I may be one of those solo travelers next.

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