Tired of living

I sent an email to my therapist to arrange for an appointment. I think a lot of my problems stem from low self esteem. Even though I am told differently, I can still hear my mother's voice telling me how stupid I am. I want to talk to my therapist about how to get her voice out of my head.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as you can without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your Truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story! Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter: for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not veign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you and sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle to yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the Stars; you have a right to be here! And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with god, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your laborers and aspirations and the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy!!!
-Max Ehrmann 1927

Morning! So glad to see that you have come back to talk with us! First I can tell you, you are clearly NOT stupid. I know the damage that can be done by abusers, not only physically but more the mental anguish because that seems to last the longest and cause the most pain. Second, Yes, being told degrading things about yourself over and over seems to plant those horrible seeds of self doubt, poor self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, etc. However, you said that you moved far away and succeeded in doing well for yourself. Met your husband had children. So looks like your mother was Wrong! It seems to me, from some of my own life experiences, it is when we are lonely, scared or just having a down day, that is when all of that self doubt raises it’s ugly head and the mean voices of the past get a little louder in your head. Just remember that bullies (abusers) are just that, bullies! YOU are better than that. YOU do not deserve nor need to accept their meanness! They, more than likely, we’re jealous of your good qualities. Do NOT accept what the abuser said! Accept your real truth, that you ARE a Good person and a person worthy of friends and love and goodness in your life! I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I do know that pain, but I also know that it does get easier as time passes, and I found it okay to remember my husband and cry sometimes, but better was to remember our good times and laugh and talk about him to others. You haven’t lost him, he will be there to welcome you when God calls you home. But, also know he would want you to be happy and if you believe in signs from our loved ones who have passed, watch for them, and you will be amazed to see he is watching over you too. Hope you have a wonderful day. Hopefully when the fog lifts from where you are, it will be a Beautiful day!

Thank you for the good comments. Actually I think I did get a sign from my husband. I had to go to the bank and when I was finished and got to my car there was a brand new shiny penny on the ground right by the driver's door. I do not remember it being there when I got out. A penny from heaven maybe?

When I am depressed and surrounded by people I trust and who understand who I am, someone who accepts me as I am and as strong but someone who is vulnerable, and human with needs…Because even when I say, “I’m not feeing social” or “I’m not feeling well” that is when I truly need helpful, empathy and outreach.

Outreach I need Because when in the belly of the beast, it is hard to reach out or reach up when you are climbing for air to breath. Those who understand. When I am quietly depressed, they don’t tell you, “common mind over matter” or other such rubbish. The people who know me, know I’m like a clam sometimes I need quiet companionship, other times I might need to share.

Foremost, I don’t want to burden anyone. At the same time, if you know what I’m about you already know what I need and you will either help me knowing I need encouragement. I need to either talk or be silent until I break down. If I do, let me cry. If I cry hard. Let me do that too. Sometimes when life gives you lemons, they are another heavy bag to carry. This making lemonade when depression has set in just isn’t possible.

I don’t expect you to be my psychiatrist. But to let me be me. Be it the good, the bad and the ugly. With depression, I’ve read and heard it can be (repressed) anger turned inward. If I get angry, it’s not at you it’s my anger at something else and truth be told if I didn’t get help to unearth what needed unearthing I wouldn’t be where i am today.

I am grateful for…

developed-introspection that allows me to be honest with myself and others.

the moments I can sit in the sun and feel the suns warmth without the burn.

when I can smile, meaning it and not feel like I need to “fake it until I make it.”

when I don’t blame myself for feeling feelings by stuffing them deep down inside.

for the ability to feel gratitude.

for having my writing to express feelings, especially the deep ones. The ones that expose the soft underbelly that is soul.

for the strength to keep fighting to be the best version of myself.

Never give up the fight.

when you need support reach out. Even if its on a message board we are still people and can be supportive. I am so sorry you are feeling so poor.

I’ve been there and grieving for your lost time in your younger life and grieving for the lost relationship…we continue to grieve when we can’t let go. I learned I had to let go of the pain, hurt and abuse. I whispered to him, i don’t hold anything against you. And let him go. It hurt like hell. Sometimes there are other dimensions to a person that we don’t see (for whatever reason). It was a healing thing to do. I don’t feel anything was left unsaid.
🤗 💕

I sent an email to my therapist to arrange for an appointment. I think a lot of my problems stem from low self esteem. Even though I am told differently, I can still hear my mother's voice telling me how stupid I am. I want to talk to my therapist about how to get her voice out of my head.

Beautifully shared @nemo1 .

(How/where) have you found persons who can "be" with you through these different and difficult times we go through? I've never found anyone - individually or in a group setting - who can relate to the subtle kinds of distress I (and my sister) have gone through all our lives.

Mainly I am concerned about finding friends - for the tough times, as well as the good. As I mentioned in another posting, my sister doesn't want to or can't talk about her experience, and it added up to a suicide attempt; all that underlies that remains unresolved, as far as I can tell. So I am isolated by a sister who has "numbed out" apparently as her M.O., a lovely aged mother who could never tolerate hearing about her contribution and role in this (and I have decided I will not go there at this late point in her life), and with my father gone, and past friends and I on to other locations and relationships I do not yet see how I will find "safe people" as Jay Reid calls them; he is a SF online therapist focusing on narcissism in families whose website, free videos posted there, and related materials are the most insightful I've ever found on the sublties, lifelong damage and struggles of those raised by narcissists.

At any rate - back to your post...I will want to return to it again and again for your honesty, your effective use of words to describe how difficult it is to 'breathe through depression' (my phrasing), and your healthy POV as I see it.

Thank you for your contribution here.

Hello @brandysparks

Thank you for your kind words. When I read your post I identify with you. We have very similar backgrounds.

Firstly, those people I refer to as trusting and the people I can be myself with at good and not such good times, believe it or not was through a CBT group I attended for some time. I made a promise to myself I would come forward and speak my truth no matter what because I know thats how I will help myself. So, in time it was trusting therapists, doctors and other people with my history etcetera. I was really broken, but healed. It can happen but it is hard work. It put me through the emotional ringer but I grew from that had epiphany’s here and there. I also after years of that, confided in and shared with my sister who does not have a problem with me speaking my truth (I was abused by a narcissist my recently deceased father, God rest his soul). I have the love of my life who has been with me every step of the way supporting me when I broke down.
Those people I say to “trust” are very hard to come by but through life I’ve been lucky and unlucky. Its a very lonely existence when you are left to pick up the pieces of your life. My mom I tread lightly. My sis gets it. She witnessed a lot of the abuse heaped on me. I came to terms with my dads passing and all that happened in our family and told him, “Dad, I don’t hold anything against you.” That was it. Simply said and holding much weight because I’d been carrying around baggage from the abuse for decades. Never able to confront him on it. I faced “Might makes right” and he was physically abusive and emotionally abusive for a long time. Suffice it to say, when you carry that much pain inside without ever being able to release it it eats away at your sense of self and inner wellness. Now that I let all that animosity and trouble go, I feel free. I also saw a different side of him that was a decent person. I regretted never giving him an opportunity to share because I feared.

I am so sorry to hear you are carrying a very heavy weight. Your sister is too. Even if she does not admit it, people like that I think suffer in other ways when they don’t allow themselves the opportunity to share with so much potential for healing. It’s too bad. But your letting that go is healthy for you to do. There was a time I could not talk to my sister. We were distant. I had to accept that was who she was and that was that. Accept I’d never have that kind of relationship. Then something happened, she went through a difficult time and leaned on me. That relationship blossomed and has been healthy ever since. You never know. One day your sister may approach you. You never really know what is going on in another’s head until they share it.

The one thing I really carried with me that I learned, was that never underestimate possibilities. She may go on the way she has because lets face it, it’s brutal dealing with this on the level. I’ve shed many tears missing family relationships because we were all just trying to survive. Only in our older days have we grown closer. To make it through all the dysfunction. It is possible. It won’t happen overnight. Its a long process depending on how repressed it all is. For me its taken many years to unearth and correct MY THINKING. CBT and DBT therapy works. If you could find one therapist that you could build a repor with someone maybe even let that person be the first one you really can open up with someone who can guide you on a journey of self discovery to be healthy and the best version of yourself. I hope you don’t mind me being this direct. It’s just what has worked for me and I thought we all were dysfunctional lost cases. Could not be further from the truth. Not everyone is on the same page seeing the narcissist because there were favorites and then there was me.

I appreciate what you have said to me. That was a kind thing to say. My sister and the love of my life have been the ones I’ve been able to share with when I’m down. Lets face it, its no difficulty being around happy people (I think).

So…therapists, the doctors, family (in time) helped me.

The only other thing that cbt and dbt therapy’s lack is a faith base. I could not go far without my faith in God and the Lord. I would not be alive today if I didn’t have it. Not everyone does but I’d highly recommend it.

I’m here if you ever want to bounce anything off me get my experience on it.

Much kindness and appreciation. I hope I made some sense in here and gave you something that is useful. I hope it gets better for you.

Oh, i almost forgot. Write your feelings down. Keep it under lock and key. I destroyed much I wrote because I didn’t want to rehash over a venting (too painful). But I do write poetry that is a way I cope with what life throws my way.

I’m glad you reached out. Good to meet you! 🙂 I am sorry this was so long. Hope you make it through it! 😊 ☀️ 🤗

Oh my goodness.!...thank you!

I don't think I've ever had someone take the time & make the effort to say and share what you've just said here. I deeply thank you. I also feel when beginning to discuss anything related to this subject that the person is about to 'exit stage right'...that there's not enough time or interest to be present, to listen. Not enough time to "sit with me and my struggle", not enough time or interest to call it what it is, acknowledge its impact and toll, with the hope being I can then set it aside and trudge forward.
Even as I type this the voice inside questions my experience, doubting any of it, or that it could have had the impact it did. And there I sit, once again stuck, mired in what was, instead of what yet could still be.
Thank you friend @nemo1. I'll keep trudging along, and hope that soon my heart can pulse more with joy in being, than just the duty to exist.
Hugs to you and hope we will be connecting further along the way.