Hitting That Wall

frances007, how are you doing today?

I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose my husband. You are an inspiration to all of us! You are such an incredible woman. You go girl. Sending you huge hugs and love. You are amazing.

Thank you for your kind words. After a long marriage such as ours, I no longer feel complete. The grieving is getting better but it will never end. I pray for the day I can join him. Not at all interested in "dating sites." I was only with one man in my lifetime and he was my heart and soul. No one can ever replace him. Right now I am in a lonely and solitary place. However I am stepping way out of my comfort zone and going on a cruise at the end of May. My plan is to try and stay upbeat, but it will be hard because my husband and I cruised a lot and it is hard to imagine being on a ship without him. Suicide is not the answer so I must try and keep going until it is my time.

Well, if anyone has risen from the dead, I think I have after getting some long needed sleep.
The discussion with my therapist on Friday went surprisingly well for me, I am not sure about her. After I told her that I wanted to end our work, after 10 minutes she wanted to know if we could just hang up the phone, at which I responded kindly, "no, I have a few things I need to tell you." I had met someone recently, another artist who wanted to befriend me, and when this woman started setting off alarms in my head, I decided that I did not want to pursue a friendship with her, especially considering my past history trying to meet new people. When I told my therapist about this woman, her first response to me was, "did she look like a man?" So when I told my therapist I was astonished and insulted by the comment she denied saying this. However, I told her that I take notes during our sessions, and she did indeed make this comment. Finally, an apology. I also told her that I did not sign up for Bible study, but rather some support that I badly need right now. Never mind this issue anymore, I will hopefully find a new person to talk to, a better and more open minded one.
It is interesting that you inquired how I was feeling today, because I was just at my art table, listening to music, and started crying. While I try to maintain such a positive outlook, give so much of myself to others without asking for anything in return, I just feel so sad for myself, for the uncertainty I face in not knowing how or why I suffer with all of these weird health problems, when prior I had lived such a healthy and active life: mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking and things of that nature. I took better care of myself.
Today everything feels like such an effort. While I can finally look at myself in the mirror without turning away, and actually received a compliment at the grocery store yesterday about how great I looked, I feel so forlorn. A friend and I had a discussion yesterday while being out and about. We are about the same age, and I told her I was going to quit my volunteer work at the Assistance League. I am not a quitter, so the decision to quit has been a hard one. However, I know it is not a good fit and never was. My friend said to me, "we don't know how much time either of us have left, so we have to take care of ourselves and forget about all of this help we give to others who do not give a you know what about us.'' She's right.
I try to live like my dog did, at the moment. Having said that, there are times when I want someone to pat me on the back and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I have a picture of my dog on the wall. It was one of the last pictures I took of her, and she is riding in the car on the way to the vet to be "put down." She loved riding in the car and had the biggest smile on her face, not knowing of course, that her smile would end in about 15 minutes. I look at this picture and feel such guilt, an overwhelming sense of loss. My doctor, now a friend, told me some time ago that perhaps there was a reason for her death, and I do believe there was. She knew I was sick, and perhaps that leap she took off of the sofa and broke her leg was fortuitous.
I have developed this other problem with my thought process and that is that everything I am doing is with such a sense of urgency, as though I do not have enough time left to accomplish everything I set out to do. In doing so, I am exercising some poor judgment, especially financially, when I have always been so responsible. My neurologist has told me that this is not uncommon, especially with the ongoing rapid weight loss, the stress of not knowing what exactly is wrong with me, and also the stress over family issues, such as my sister whose husband recently told her to move out and get an apartment. I don't know how she lives with that everyday, and wish I could help her in some way, but all I can do is bake bread and other things for her to take home when she comes over every week.
On a positive note my sister lives in an over 55 community, very upscale. They are hosting a craft fair in may for the residents, so my sister has invited me to come up with all of my handmade cards and set up a booth to sell them, along with some other things I have like lavender and rosemary that is currently hanging from my ceiling fan to dry. My apartment does resemble the artist's loft I always wanted. I am very excited about this, as I think I will get a very positive response. So, as you can imagine, I am burning the midnight oil, making cards, pressing and unpressing dried flowers. Churning them out like a factory worker. I will post one tomorrow when I get to the post office.
So, in a nutshell, today I am feeling sorrowful, but I know I will feel better when I go visit my 84 year old friend later for dinner. I actually found her the perfect gift yesterday, three dimensional cards with cats on one side. She wants to play cards later. Good, because I have been trying for weeks to get her out of her own depression. I will also study to get my driver's license renewed so that I can drive her around in her brand new sporty car. Her friend all but begged me to get my license, and for her I will. Besides that, the car is actually quite nice.
I apologize for this dismal note, but I figured it was safe to answer honestly.
Thank you very much for your ongoing kindness. Have a lovely day. It's going to be 75 degrees here; I hope it is warm or warmer where you are today.

Margolian
This is a good one. Let me know if you are able to follow the link.https://www.themarginalian.org/

@frances007, I added this post to your earlier discussion. It looks like an inspiring website.

Can you tell me more about your art?

Your husband is so proud of you. We lost my Mom unexpectedly last year. My Dad is devastated. They were married for 60 years. It has been very hard for him. He was 6 years older than Mom and always thought he would die first. He has had to go on by himself. My 3 siblings and I have been taking him out and making sure he is taken care of. He has good days and bad days. We try to help him remember all the funny things she used to say and keep her in the conversation. I tell him it hurts so much, because he loved her so much. I'm so glad you are going on the cruise. He wants you to be happy. You share a very special love.

I read an earlier post today and have been thinking about it all afternoon. I am unable to find the post where someone was talking about suicide. In any event, I would be lying if I did not say that there have been times in my life when I had suicide "ideation." A doctor once told me that when I have such thoughts, to think of them as a "yellow" caution light, and stop to think about the ramifications of carrying out such an act. While I certainly have my moments of despair, I can usually find something to bring joy to me, whether it be the taste of a fresh strawberry, a colorful flower or even the sound of my neighbor's bird chirping.
I also know that if I carried out such a disastrous action, many people who care about me would be very hurt, and I make it a point in my life to try to be as kind as I possibly can to others. Not too long ago I was placed on Neurontin, and while taking that drug, I began formulating very detailed plans for a suicide. Fortunately, I read the side effects, and suicide ideation was one of them, so I called my doctor and asked if I could go off of the drug, even though it was helpful to me.
My suggestion for anyone thinking about suicide is to call one of the various hotlines. Many of them are "soft" lines if you just want to talk. It is on these phone calls that I have learned many good coping mechanisms such as deep breathing, tearing strips of paper if I am angry and things of that nature.
My cousin hung himself in his garage, and his wife came home and found him with his dog laying on the floor next to him. He lived in Victoria, and I was very close to him, as he was one of the last members of my family on my father's side. I was very upset and angry as I had just spoken to him on the phone the week before. My sisters and I attended his funeral, which was very moving. Interestingly enough, my cousin was a master at tying knots, and the pamphlet they handed out at his funeral, as a tribute to my cousin Frank, was a book on knots. I spent years on the internet trying to track him down, and when I did I flew to Victoria to meet him. That trip was one of the best memories I have of him, yet his suicidal actions still bother me because it is a sad state when someone feels that they have no one to reach out to when they feel as distraught as he did. His loss had a tremendous impact on my life in many ways. Of course he was bipolar and had been told to stop drinking, and I think that is probably what did him in. In any event, he left a trail of tears behind. So, when suicide becomes the means to and end, I would encourage anyone to reach out, if even to a stranger.

Thank you.
My art is very spontaneous as and often I start out with one idea that usually ends up looking nothing like planned. Currently I am working with dried, pressed flowers and assembling on card stock, as you will see. I will attempt to post some photographs once I move them from my phone to my laptop.
My paintings are mixed media cityscapes, abstract in design and very colorful. I have sold many and recently gave one to my former rheumatologist as a gift for helping me navigate my health issues.
My favorite medium is watercolor, very unforgiving. Sometimes I soak the paper, a large sheet, until it is very wet, and apply bold strokes of vivid colors and allow them to mix together to form whatever shape happens to occur. It is interesting that so many think they cannot draw a straight line, and therefore are not artistic, but if you look at many of the paintings done by the Masters, straight lines are not often seen. My art is my way to cope. I think I must dream about it because as soon as I wake up in the morning, I grab my coffee, put headphones on and become lost in my creative process. Time does flies when you are having fun.

Andy-the-man,
I'm so glad that you had a good day!

Maybe it's too soon for me to say this, but, here goes:

When a red rubber ball hits the bottom, it starts to bounce back up.

I hope that sentence doesn't sound like "toxic positivity." I don't mean to minimize your pain or your situation in any way. My therapist suggested that I try to think of positive images, and that one popped into my head. Or maybe I should say that it "bounced" into my brain.

Here's hoping that we both have some more good days! Andy, you are the man!