Frustration with everything. I’m about to lose it

@psp Is there some improvement with your dad? I hope he’s not fallen! And how did the meeting go with hospice/palliative care? I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!

PSP, To begin with take some time off for yourself. Find some time to relax! Ask the SNF if they can furnish a sitter for your dad. ( I’m unsure if insurance covers it ) but to be honest, it’s impossible to keep someone in bed if they want to get out of it. Yes a fall is possible and likely, but you can only do so much. Instead of thinking of what’s going on now, try to think of them as they were 40 years ago. Think of the good memories. After I lost my father unexpectedly, I now say I wish I had done this or that with him while he was still alive. Things will level out in time. Don’t worry yourself to death….David

In my state, NC there is a right to fall law that says bed rails and fall barriers cannot be used. My mom is 94 and can’t walk but doesn’t know she can’t. I insisted they put rails on her bed. This required a doctor’s orders but they complied. There are also thick floor pads you can put beside the bed to cushion falls. Does your dad have VA benefits? If not, he should.
Do you have any community support..a husband, friend, relative, church member who can listen and perhaps give you perspective?
Nothing that happens is your fault. You can rest assured that you have done everything possible for your family. Also you cannot control anything but yourself. No beating yourself up!
I think your mother is just scared and in survival mode. She makes everything about herself because she feels so vulnerable. She has suffered the loss of two children which is devastating. Maybe there is someone… not you…who can focus on her needs…

So an update on my dad. They are releasing him from SNF in a week. The options I’ve been presented with are:
1. Move into AL with my mother and add Hospice care. Sounds good but it seems like there would still be a lot of time without assistance. My mother or I would have to fill in the gap for him. My mother physically can’t handle caring for him and I can’t always be there.
2. Move him to a LTC facility. I think that would have the same issues the SNF has. Understaffed, and no one watching him. Yesterday my father needed to be changed. I was right there so I called the CNA immediately. They were handing out lunches at the time and told me they would come back when they were finished handing out meals. I waited. Waited. Asked someone else. Nothing. Asked someone else. Nothing. It was 2 hours before anyone arrived to clean and change him. How long would it have been if no one was there to ask and watch? If I hadn’t been there it could have been all day. These patients can’t even ring for the nurse on their own to ask for help.

It really is a shame that there aren’t better facilities for those with both dementia and phyisical ailments.

@psp I’ve never heard of patients not being able to ring for help . Are there not call bells at every chair and bed? That should be a requirement!
Can you ask the charge nurse why they aren’t available?

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. Yes, they have a bell but some of them, like my father, can’t remember how to use it, they forget it’s there, they can’t see it…..

@psp... Can tell you’re a terrific caregiver. And you do need some help right now. Who can step in? You also need to get away for a spell. How to arrange any of this no one here can know. But rest asured we're all in your corner. All the best!

/LarryG... RN

@psp. I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how your parents are doing. Hopefully, it’s all going okay. Please let me know!

Don’t give up……your person you care for is more important and needs you more than you can ever know and usually their care they need and your frustration is TEMPORARY….think about how they must feel and know your are honoring them by your constant care….AND ask for help if you need it….Ask the LORD to send you a helper or someone you could ask to help you…..

Hello @becsbuddy. Thank you for checking in. It has been crazy. My father was released from skilled nursing last Monday. That afternoon we were notified that they had an outbreak of Covid at that facility. We tested that afternoon. All of us were positive, my parents, my husband and me. All I can think is my poor parents. How cruel this perfect storm has been. I started Hospice for my father that day. They have helped some but my poor mother is exhausted, overwhelmed, in denial and already grieving. My father has deteriorated rapidly and honestly I just hope his peace comes sooner than later. I really appreciate all the words of encouragement from everyone. I’ve taken a lot of deep breaths and I seem to have gotten a second wind for the next phase. One step at a time, one day at a time.