Depression and cancer diagnosis: Today is a rough day

Hello Colleen thank you for asking about me. My scans in late February 2020 were clean. No Mets which of course was great news. I did not do so well in terms of the “scan anxiety” at all. I had the chest CT first and I almost had a panic attack. I dreaded the scan even though it was a short scan. I see a psychiatrist and she prescribed Lorazepam to take. I took the drug prior to the MRI, abd/ pelvis which was a week later. My experience was better, not great but tolerable. At present I am doing well psychologically. Next scans due late May. The virus of course is awful but I am managing. I met a man and I have been dating him. I haven’t told about my RCC, nephrectomy, don’t see a need to. This May will mark my one year anniversary. I am far better than I was a year ago but I take things one day at a time and I am happy each day that I am cancer free and virus free. A new perspective is in place and I am learning more tolerance and patience. Best wishes to all!

Im reading this and I guess I don’t understand. I have had two different cancers, lymph nodes and melanoma, and the first time I instantly just wanted it out of me. I pushed hard to get immediate surgery. After treatment and recovery I was elated that it wasn’t more serious. That was when I was 24. I threw myself into technical rock climbing for almost 20 years. Climbing all over the world, changing careers and joining the ranks of the medical field. I abandoned my theology degree and finished my Masters in Applied Physics. Raised my children around the world and thought it would never end. It ended one beautifully clear day at 8750 feet on the German-Austrian border on the side of a vertical granite slab in early afternoon. Some rocks dislodged about 60 feet above and one the size of a football penetrated the frontal lobe and changed my life forever. My medical career ended that day. I was put on the disabled list for medical retirement with brain damage, neck and back trauma, damaged shoulders, shattered knee and various cracks and stresses. What followed was massive headaches and over 60 TIA’s. After a year of in-treatment and retraining to walk, talk, cope..I went home to my family (wife of 15 years and two children). I had no idea who they were at the airport. My life had changed. Now many years later I had a melanoma and frankly hoped that it would simply take it’s course. It has been so long since I have been interested in really living that other than periods anxiety and panic which drive me to do, work and accomplish..I feel like I am merely marking time. It’s not interesting to continue anymore. Severe joint and back pain and constant migraine (moderately controlled) headaches invade every moment. Intellectually I understand why people want to live and interact but those emotions and the curiosity and interest in it all simply are no longer my experience. My wife pushed for treatment of the melanoma, again doctors cut and celebrated victory. But now I’m back to marking time. I’m a farmer and despite a lot of pain for the last 25+ years I work hard and long days every day. I participate in church and an organization that helps people as a volunteer, I am able to cope effectively enough that people around me have the sense that I am engaged..that I actually care. But I think often of what relief it would be for this all to simply stop. Recently I have lost about 100lbs…Drs are looking for the usual suspects over the last year. It seems my liver and pancreas are equally disinterested in going on. I ponder the most efficient way to stop it without leaving a mess for my loved ones. This is about me and I don’t want them to have to deal with anything but the normal grief of parting. While I have learned to cope i am generally without affect. I can fake emotional response but I generally do not feel any emotion. I’m not sad, I’m not tearful, I’m not happy or even distracted. I am bored and disinterested in the future. For now i guess I’ll get back to work until i sort this out. The sheep need food three goats need to be slaughtered and put up for Winter and the eggs don’t collect themselves. There is poop to be moved and fields to be sowed for Spring. That’s my grandmother’s influence…”Never leave a job undone”. I hope to see her some day soon.

will be having esophagas surgery on Feb.2 i have put my trust in the Lord for a good outcome.My dog is a source of peace to me he knows something is wrong GOD spelled backwards is dog.Rik.

Im reading this and I guess I don’t understand. I have had two different cancers, lymph nodes and melanoma, and the first time I instantly just wanted it out of me. I pushed hard to get immediate surgery. After treatment and recovery I was elated that it wasn’t more serious. That was when I was 24. I threw myself into technical rock climbing for almost 20 years. Climbing all over the world, changing careers and joining the ranks of the medical field. I abandoned my theology degree and finished my Masters in Applied Physics. Raised my children around the world and thought it would never end. It ended one beautifully clear day at 8750 feet on the German-Austrian border on the side of a vertical granite slab in early afternoon. Some rocks dislodged about 60 feet above and one the size of a football penetrated the frontal lobe and changed my life forever. My medical career ended that day. I was put on the disabled list for medical retirement with brain damage, neck and back trauma, damaged shoulders, shattered knee and various cracks and stresses. What followed was massive headaches and over 60 TIA’s. After a year of in-treatment and retraining to walk, talk, cope..I went home to my family (wife of 15 years and two children). I had no idea who they were at the airport. My life had changed. Now many years later I had a melanoma and frankly hoped that it would simply take it’s course. It has been so long since I have been interested in really living that other than periods anxiety and panic which drive me to do, work and accomplish..I feel like I am merely marking time. It’s not interesting to continue anymore. Severe joint and back pain and constant migraine (moderately controlled) headaches invade every moment. Intellectually I understand why people want to live and interact but those emotions and the curiosity and interest in it all simply are no longer my experience. My wife pushed for treatment of the melanoma, again doctors cut and celebrated victory. But now I’m back to marking time. I’m a farmer and despite a lot of pain for the last 25+ years I work hard and long days every day. I participate in church and an organization that helps people as a volunteer, I am able to cope effectively enough that people around me have the sense that I am engaged..that I actually care. But I think often of what relief it would be for this all to simply stop. Recently I have lost about 100lbs…Drs are looking for the usual suspects over the last year. It seems my liver and pancreas are equally disinterested in going on. I ponder the most efficient way to stop it without leaving a mess for my loved ones. This is about me and I don’t want them to have to deal with anything but the normal grief of parting. While I have learned to cope i am generally without affect. I can fake emotional response but I generally do not feel any emotion. I’m not sad, I’m not tearful, I’m not happy or even distracted. I am bored and disinterested in the future. For now i guess I’ll get back to work until i sort this out. The sheep need food three goats need to be slaughtered and put up for Winter and the eggs don’t collect themselves. There is poop to be moved and fields to be sowed for Spring. That’s my grandmother’s influence…”Never leave a job undone”. I hope to see her some day soon.

I'm not sure why I'm here. I guess I try to take solace in the fact I'm not alone, even though I often feel very much so. Do you think these feelings come from your tbi? How did you feel before? I know you seemed to live life to its fullest but how did you feel about death before? I'm terrified of dying and I can't imagine wanting death more than wanting to live. I'm fairly positive you won't see this but in the rare chance you do, I hope you're well. Sincerely.

I'm not sure why I'm here. I guess I try to take solace in the fact I'm not alone, even though I often feel very much so. Do you think these feelings come from your tbi? How did you feel before? I know you seemed to live life to its fullest but how did you feel about death before? I'm terrified of dying and I can't imagine wanting death more than wanting to live. I'm fairly positive you won't see this but in the rare chance you do, I hope you're well. Sincerely.

Thank you for your extreme honesty about your situation. I can relate as I, too, have been battling cancer for the past 2 years. Humanly speaking, I shouldn’t be alive, but thanks to the Mayo Clinic, I am. But the cancer battle continues. What makes the difference for me is the assurance I have that, if I die, I will go to Heaven—not because I’m good enough, because I’m not! But I can be assured of Heaven because Jesus is good enough. I’d like to invite you to go to the website below to learn more. I’m a beggar in need of bread just like everyone else, and I’m wanting to invite you to know how to find the Bread of Life. Thank you. Mark Wilson
http://www.NeedGod.com