Im reading this and I guess I don’t understand. I have had two different cancers, lymph nodes and melanoma, and the first time I instantly just wanted it out of me. I pushed hard to get immediate surgery. After treatment and recovery I was elated that it wasn’t more serious. That was when I was 24. I threw myself into technical rock climbing for almost 20 years. Climbing all over the world, changing careers and joining the ranks of the medical field. I abandoned my theology degree and finished my Masters in Applied Physics. Raised my children around the world and thought it would never end. It ended one beautifully clear day at 8750 feet on the German-Austrian border on the side of a vertical granite slab in early afternoon. Some rocks dislodged about 60 feet above and one the size of a football penetrated the frontal lobe and changed my life forever. My medical career ended that day. I was put on the disabled list for medical retirement with brain damage, neck and back trauma, damaged shoulders, shattered knee and various cracks and stresses. What followed was massive headaches and over 60 TIA’s. After a year of in-treatment and retraining to walk, talk, cope..I went home to my family (wife of 15 years and two children). I had no idea who they were at the airport. My life had changed. Now many years later I had a melanoma and frankly hoped that it would simply take it’s course. It has been so long since I have been interested in really living that other than periods anxiety and panic which drive me to do, work and accomplish..I feel like I am merely marking time. It’s not interesting to continue anymore. Severe joint and back pain and constant migraine (moderately controlled) headaches invade every moment. Intellectually I understand why people want to live and interact but those emotions and the curiosity and interest in it all simply are no longer my experience. My wife pushed for treatment of the melanoma, again doctors cut and celebrated victory. But now I’m back to marking time. I’m a farmer and despite a lot of pain for the last 25+ years I work hard and long days every day. I participate in church and an organization that helps people as a volunteer, I am able to cope effectively enough that people around me have the sense that I am engaged..that I actually care. But I think often of what relief it would be for this all to simply stop. Recently I have lost about 100lbs…Drs are looking for the usual suspects over the last year. It seems my liver and pancreas are equally disinterested in going on. I ponder the most efficient way to stop it without leaving a mess for my loved ones. This is about me and I don’t want them to have to deal with anything but the normal grief of parting. While I have learned to cope i am generally without affect. I can fake emotional response but I generally do not feel any emotion. I’m not sad, I’m not tearful, I’m not happy or even distracted. I am bored and disinterested in the future. For now i guess I’ll get back to work until i sort this out. The sheep need food three goats need to be slaughtered and put up for Winter and the eggs don’t collect themselves. There is poop to be moved and fields to be sowed for Spring. That’s my grandmother’s influence…”Never leave a job undone”. I hope to see her some day soon.

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