Hi @kates56, I was fortunate enough to attend a talk given by Dr. Amit Sood a few years ago. It was eye opening to say the least. There are a lot more videos that you might find helpful on his website here - https://www.resilientoption.com/resources#for-adults.
It has been a long time since I was last on here. Life has been really hard especially this last year. My mother died the day before my birthday on August 2nd with me by her side. She died needlessly and I failed her. It is only me and my brother and he lives in a different province so I have been the one responsible for ensuring she was cared for properly at her Nursing Home. There were problems within a few months of her moving in, major issues and I should have took action sooner! I failed her and now she is dead and most days I want to be with her! The feeling is not as strong now a days mainly due to my boyfriend having a stroke a month afterwards and he needs me. I forced myself to continue working until just before Christmas when I became sick myself so now I am on a sick leave.
I feel alone and full of rage and guilt and grief with no one to talk to. I am struggling with nightmares, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation and so much anger at myself. I have fibromyalgia as well as c-PTSD and addictions(in recovery).
I don’t know why I am writing on here! No one can bring her back, nor take away the pain. I failed her when she needed me to get her out of there! The day before she became ill I had finally gotten her on the transfer list to move her to another home! There lack of care not only killed her but robbed me of my chance to say goodbye or comfort her. I was told she had a mild chest infection and was resting comfortably on Friday and Saturday then when I go to visit on Sunday she is on oxygen and barely responsive! And because they had “accidentally laundered mom’s hearing aids” the week before, she died unable to hear me tell her it was okay! We had 5 MINUTES before she was given pain medication and became totally unresponsive, just breathing until that Tuesday. My brother was on the flight home when she died
I know she was ready to go but I am not ready for her to be gone! She was severely abused as a child and as a result was diagnosed when I was a child with what at the time was called Multiple Personality Disorder. For many years we had a difficult to non-existent relationship until I was an adult in my 30’s and we were able to reconnect and heal the hurts from the past. I finally had my mom, I finally felt loved and liked. He last thing I said to her before she stopped breathing was that she broke the cycle of abuse! She was the reason her grandchildren and great grandchildren had a childhood! My mom was far from perfect but she was one of the strongest women I have ever known!
Hi, @deidre My name is Scott and I am sorry to read of your current difficulties. I was my wife's longtime caregiver and I know how hard and lonely it can be when we lose that loved one from our lives.
I also understand your feelings of regret. Unfortunately, regrets seem to go hand-in-hand with caregiving, even when they shouldn't. They certainly did with me and I often find myself rethinking things I did, didn't do, or tried and missed. No caregiver is perfect and caregivers can only do so much in any given set of circumstances. I know, personally, I never felt like I ever did enough for my wife during her years of war with her brain cancer.
I hope you are kind to yourself and can continue to help your boyfriend. Have you been able to get some help while you've been ill yourself?
Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | Jan 16, 2023
@deidre I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. It's a blessing for both of you that you reconnected when you were an adult and could heal the hurt together.
With every loss I have experienced including both of my parents I had regrets. I was living across the country when my mother died. So, like your brother, I couldn't physically be with my mother. I spent so much time going over and over what I could have done differently. I finally just had to let all that go and allow myself to heal. It took awhile. There were times that something triggered a memory and I burst into tears. It felt like the tears and sadness came out of nowhere. This crying was unusual for me as I don't cry easily. Whenever I cried I felt that these were tears of healing that were telling me how much I loved my mother and how she loved me.
Now you are a caregiver for your boyfriend. You already know how much it takes to be a caregiver. Every time you take a little time for yourself in your caregiving role you maybe feel some guilt, something you "should" do but didn't do? Is that correct? You mentioned in your post that you Complex-PTSD and are in recovery. Do you attend 12Step or Smart Recovery meetings in-person or online? I am hoping you have a recovery community around you where there are others in recovery who have been where you are and can help support you.
It has been a long time since I was last on here. Life has been really hard especially this last year. My mother died the day before my birthday on August 2nd with me by her side. She died needlessly and I failed her. It is only me and my brother and he lives in a different province so I have been the one responsible for ensuring she was cared for properly at her Nursing Home. There were problems within a few months of her moving in, major issues and I should have took action sooner! I failed her and now she is dead and most days I want to be with her! The feeling is not as strong now a days mainly due to my boyfriend having a stroke a month afterwards and he needs me. I forced myself to continue working until just before Christmas when I became sick myself so now I am on a sick leave.
I feel alone and full of rage and guilt and grief with no one to talk to. I am struggling with nightmares, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation and so much anger at myself. I have fibromyalgia as well as c-PTSD and addictions(in recovery).
I don’t know why I am writing on here! No one can bring her back, nor take away the pain. I failed her when she needed me to get her out of there! The day before she became ill I had finally gotten her on the transfer list to move her to another home! There lack of care not only killed her but robbed me of my chance to say goodbye or comfort her. I was told she had a mild chest infection and was resting comfortably on Friday and Saturday then when I go to visit on Sunday she is on oxygen and barely responsive! And because they had “accidentally laundered mom’s hearing aids” the week before, she died unable to hear me tell her it was okay! We had 5 MINUTES before she was given pain medication and became totally unresponsive, just breathing until that Tuesday. My brother was on the flight home when she died
I know she was ready to go but I am not ready for her to be gone! She was severely abused as a child and as a result was diagnosed when I was a child with what at the time was called Multiple Personality Disorder. For many years we had a difficult to non-existent relationship until I was an adult in my 30’s and we were able to reconnect and heal the hurts from the past. I finally had my mom, I finally felt loved and liked. He last thing I said to her before she stopped breathing was that she broke the cycle of abuse! She was the reason her grandchildren and great grandchildren had a childhood! My mom was far from perfect but she was one of the strongest women I have ever known!
I am so sorry to hear about your losses and rough times. I am glad you shared your experiences- it is very brave. It is great that you got to have your mom in the end. I am sorry the healthcare system failed your mother. Both of my grandparents died in a facility in a similar way. The cost of a facility is so expensive to begin with- it is their job to take care of loved ones- when they fail it is heartbreaking. It is not your fault. I am so sorry the way things went.
I have severe PTSD. I am 34 years old and suffered abuse for the first 26 years of my life - it is a miracle I was not killed. Both parents abused me physically, emotionally and mentally. My entire world was one of fear and hiding. I am so grateful to be in a healthy marriage and that my parents have moved. I left the relationships amicably- but I no longer speak to my parents. I spent years mourning the mother I knew I would never have. I am very grateful for my husband’s family that has become mine.
With all I have experienced I am grateful. I have a great NP and therapist. My PTSD and anxiety symptoms flare up and I do go through phases where I am easily triggered. I am currently practicing EMDR with my therapist- which is painful but is working.
I thought I would share my experiences and know that you are not alone.
Your mother is very lucky to have daughter that never gave up on her- to me you are very brave. Sending positive thoughts your way- hoping you are given the dignity to grieve in your time and way.
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Hi @kates56, I was fortunate enough to attend a talk given by Dr. Amit Sood a few years ago. It was eye opening to say the least. There are a lot more videos that you might find helpful on his website here - https://www.resilientoption.com/resources#for-adults.
Hi, @deidre My name is Scott and I am sorry to read of your current difficulties. I was my wife's longtime caregiver and I know how hard and lonely it can be when we lose that loved one from our lives.
I also understand your feelings of regret. Unfortunately, regrets seem to go hand-in-hand with caregiving, even when they shouldn't. They certainly did with me and I often find myself rethinking things I did, didn't do, or tried and missed. No caregiver is perfect and caregivers can only do so much in any given set of circumstances. I know, personally, I never felt like I ever did enough for my wife during her years of war with her brain cancer.
I hope you are kind to yourself and can continue to help your boyfriend. Have you been able to get some help while you've been ill yourself?
Strength, Courage, & Peace
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6 Reactions@deidre I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. It's a blessing for both of you that you reconnected when you were an adult and could heal the hurt together.
With every loss I have experienced including both of my parents I had regrets. I was living across the country when my mother died. So, like your brother, I couldn't physically be with my mother. I spent so much time going over and over what I could have done differently. I finally just had to let all that go and allow myself to heal. It took awhile. There were times that something triggered a memory and I burst into tears. It felt like the tears and sadness came out of nowhere. This crying was unusual for me as I don't cry easily. Whenever I cried I felt that these were tears of healing that were telling me how much I loved my mother and how she loved me.
Now you are a caregiver for your boyfriend. You already know how much it takes to be a caregiver. Every time you take a little time for yourself in your caregiving role you maybe feel some guilt, something you "should" do but didn't do? Is that correct? You mentioned in your post that you Complex-PTSD and are in recovery. Do you attend 12Step or Smart Recovery meetings in-person or online? I am hoping you have a recovery community around you where there are others in recovery who have been where you are and can help support you.
May your mother's memory be a blessing.
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5 ReactionsI am so sorry to hear about your losses and rough times. I am glad you shared your experiences- it is very brave. It is great that you got to have your mom in the end. I am sorry the healthcare system failed your mother. Both of my grandparents died in a facility in a similar way. The cost of a facility is so expensive to begin with- it is their job to take care of loved ones- when they fail it is heartbreaking. It is not your fault. I am so sorry the way things went.
I have severe PTSD. I am 34 years old and suffered abuse for the first 26 years of my life - it is a miracle I was not killed. Both parents abused me physically, emotionally and mentally. My entire world was one of fear and hiding. I am so grateful to be in a healthy marriage and that my parents have moved. I left the relationships amicably- but I no longer speak to my parents. I spent years mourning the mother I knew I would never have. I am very grateful for my husband’s family that has become mine.
With all I have experienced I am grateful. I have a great NP and therapist. My PTSD and anxiety symptoms flare up and I do go through phases where I am easily triggered. I am currently practicing EMDR with my therapist- which is painful but is working.
I thought I would share my experiences and know that you are not alone.
Your mother is very lucky to have daughter that never gave up on her- to me you are very brave. Sending positive thoughts your way- hoping you are given the dignity to grieve in your time and way.
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Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI’m here…don’t know how many others responded but I’m with ya!
Yep....I have it 😪