Husband shutting down emotionally

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I understand your situation, as after 10 years as my cancer caregiver, my hubby has been battling aggressive bladder cancer for 2 years with multiple surgeries. I see him being so nice and cooperative with his nurses, but then I get the brunt of his frustrations. Basically, he is going through a horrible miserable treatment and you are the one there for him to dump on. I have had some success just talking with him about how hurt I am by his reactions when I am trying to help. I have tried hard to make less suggestions even when I know it may help, because he doesn't want to hear it from me. It helps to take the mindset that perhaps one job I have as caregiver is to be there to absorb his outbursts, which are brought on by the miserable situation and helpless frustration that he feels. Perhaps a respite caregiver a few hours here and there would be helpful? There are therapists available for cancer patients and if he will not cooperate with that idea, then find a caregivers support group yourself. The end of cancer treatment is a scary time, as I felt that now we weren't fighting the cancer anymore and it was just wait and see. My doctors at Mayo Clinic suggested that many patients benefit from speaking with a therapist during this transition. You are doing your best and caregiving is tougher than being the patient at times. Hang in there, tell him how you feel even if he won't share his feelings with you, and be strong. It will get better.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. He is resistant to most everything I suggest. I think you are right, he can dump on me, but is singing praises for his nurses and technicians at the Cancer Clinic. He has preferred to sleep alone, so I am now in the second bedroom. I asked that in the morning could he come to my room and we could check in with each other… how we are feeling. He agreed. Well, first day… he won’t. Says he just wants to be alone. Why did he agree. When I said it disappointmented me, he accused me of starting an argument. I can’t win. 😢

@sandralea58, I agree with everything that @sepdvm shared. While the treatment is focused on the patient, the cancer experience affects everyone, often in different ways. Your needs, especially now, do not take second place to his. While you may have been willing to put all emotions and needs on hold while you were BOTH going through the active treatment phase, it's time that you find equal ground. This is territory that @naturegirl5 revisits with her partner to keep the relationship and communication through tough times dealing with cancer, treatment, post treatment and through fear of recurrence.

Have you considered asking for an appointment with an oncology social worker for yourself? Most hospitals have social workers specialized in working with cancer patients and family members. All hospitals have social workers. I think you might find it helpful to talk to someone who may have helpful resources for you. What do you think?

I would think your husband is feeling like crap, a bit scared, and probably having questions about life itself. This is normal behavior as far as I have experienced and witnessed when it comes to cancer and the recovery process. Everyone of course is different but perhaps you just need to let him heal. Let him know you are there for him but leave him alone like an injured cat. In time he will return a smile.
My wife was at wits end trying this and that. All of it was very frustrating for both of us. She finally just answered my needs and let me be otherwise. This whole process does a number on the mind. Words cannot make sense of it. I do know that relationships have been torn apart over cancer or chronic health issues, often with regrets by both parties. For better for worse. In sickness and in health. If people get married thinking life is all sunshine and lollipops, they probably should have been a little more adult in judgement. It's times like these that define a relationship; that define the metal of will in people. The sun will come out again if you both just take time to let heal.
We are here for you. We are here for your husband too if he wishes to reach out. Good luck.

Thank you. Yes. I have reached out to a therapist from the cancer centre. We both met with her by phone and will meet again in late December and throughout the coming months. Currently we are living away from our home in a rental to be close for treatment. I don’t have my family and friends here so am without my support group. I am hoping that once we return home that things will improve. It’s a very difficult time and everyone responds differently. Some surprise you and some disappoint you.

Sandra,
I’m sorry about your situation. I am 6 years out from my treatments.
As I was going through my treatments I was very sick, weak, cold, sad, couldn’t swallow food and barely swallowed water, all of my nutrition was through a feeding tube and after 31 years of marriage I felt helpless and ashamed that I could no longer be the husband that I had been.
It saddened me greatly to see my wife so sad and worried. I felt so helpless. Fortunately my parents came to stay with us to help with my care so that my wife could continue working and to be company for my wife.
I had moved my feeding station to our bonus room and was sleeping in a chair all day. At night I was sleeping in a spare bedroom with my K9 partner so that my wife could sleep. I was up constantly throughout the night to pee so I didn’t want to keep her from sleeping. It was my wife’s idea to bring my K9 into the house to sleep with me. One night I was so sick my dog actually got my wife to help me!
Anyway, with all this said; one day my wife just said “OK, this has gone long enough, you’re coming back into the living room with all of us!” So I did, though I remained sleeping with my dog. I actually did start feeling a bit better about myself.
One day after asking God if I was going through this treatment for nothing, my wife looked me in the eyes and said “you can’t die on me, I need you to grow old with me!” That was the turning point for me to be social again!
I know this was lengthy but I hope it helps.

What a wonderfully inspiring post, Mojo. I'm tagging @sandralea58 to make sure she sees it.