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I would like to add that I am not a Mayo patient. Sure wish that I was and thank you for the forum.
I have bee deppressed an crying. Some of it I have reasons to feel this and some I do not.
I don't want to be alive and don't ever look foward the next. I get in desperation mode when I have the need to get away from that which is costing me pain or us making me afraid.
I don't want to go through this again. I won't describe all the ways I do forsee this happening. I look forward to feeling nothing.
The meds don't help me during this periods of wanting to get away and for the most part takkng the medication is not first during this time. I takelorazepan and it only helps for sbout 15 mins and then I must rest the meds.
I want something that knocks me unconcious. Something that allows me to not think.because my thoughts bring me aot of uncontrollable pain, anguish. I feel though that I am very vulnerable during this time and may do things impulsively.
I don't want to talk about it, it helps too little. Tired of feeling abnormal and damaged!
I would free my fam from me.
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Dear @507
I'm thinking of all the kind words that family, friends, the Mayo volunteers have shared with me, meds & treatments prescribed for me, and my own thoughts, destructive and warped at times ( since I was 12--now 67), and I remember 3 things:
"This too shall pass."
"Hope is the joyful expectation of good things to come."
"Unsuicide Note"
The Unsuicide Note is a contract I wrote 20 years ago, promising not to kill myself.
I promised my therapist, God, and myself that I would not do anything harmful to myself or others.
A little over a year ago, I shared my Unsuicide Note with the people in this group. I did it because I needed to remind myself to keep my promise.
I also did it because I trust the members in this group.
I will always remember how long ago I wrote that contract because my newborn God daughter was with me at my therapy appointment.
My therapist asked me who would take care of my grand baby when I killed myself.
Anyway, this isn't all about me. I'm sharing with you because I can relate to you. I've walked in your shoes.
It's about you finding a spark of inner strength to not just keep you alive, but hopeful for the future seconds, minutes, moments.
☮️💜
@colleenyoung1 please feel free to repost my Unsuicide Note if it will help @507