Abyss of Depression

@marjou, tell me what is going on. I'm listening.

@colleenyoung Where do I start? Depression deprives one of any kind of dignity and life. It does bring shame and the inability to think clearly. Have made numerous attempts at seeking help (hospitalizations, medications, therapies like ECT, EMDR, talk therapy), in order to get better but nothing has worked and return to the depths of despair which is an all too familiar place. Depression has deprived me of a way to properly support myself, but instead has put me into a system of financial assistance. There is what I call a “doughnut hole” not poor enough for poverty and further financial assistance but barely making it month to month. Have tried reaching out for other mental health services like case worker, etc. but as with everything else a waiting list. I can go on and on and not really sure if I’m making much sense these days. Add to the list of just having had eye surgery and not sure how to pay upcoming bills. Overwhelmed to say the least. My apologies for this rambling.
I thank you for reaching out and listening.

@marjou, this is a rambling permitted zone. The one observation I can make is that you have not let depression paralyze you into inactivity. It takes great effort, like running uphill against gusts of wind to pursue help like you have. I know your thoughts are not in this place right now, but when you can see the words like I do, I think you deserve to be proud of your perseverance.

I wish that I could banish the feelings of shame and despair. If I could, I would. They are just not deserved, nor are they helpful. But they weedle their way into our thoughts, don't they?

@marjou, I have seen you help so many others on this forum. I wonder if some of you might read some of your previous posts to other members and see your strength and kindness, and give some of it back to yourself?

I am now taking Ketamine at home for treatment of my treatment resistant depression. I have had 43 ECT and most every medication invented since 1980 when first hospitalized. My battle has been long, beyond difficult and alone. After 40 years I found an online provider of Ketamine. I began in March of this year. Within 4 weeks I was beginning to feel a tremendous change. I want to suggest others who are in similar distress as I have suffered to please look into the possibility of taking Ketamine in one form or another. At 60 I finally have a chance at life. I want to reach out with this hopeful new means of finding help. Send me a message if you need more information. Peace, Jo