@judy49, I love the different tips and perspectives you've gotten from @ned and @fisbo. I'd like to offer this article from Virtual Hospice called:
- Hope and Denial https://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Hope+and+Denial.aspx

As illness progresses, hope changes too. It needs a reset. The article helped me reframe hope.

Have you and/or your husband considered talking with an oncology social worker? They can be so helpful in many different ways. See this blog post by Mayo Clinic oncology social workers:
– How an Oncology Social Worker Can Help https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/cancer-education-center/newsfeed-post/how-an-oncology-social-worker-can-help/

I'm glad your adult children live nearby and are supportive of both of you. In our dynamic, my mom took care of dad and I took care of mom. It worked for us.