I think it’s more the “You only hurt the ones you love”, the husbands with anger issues are always charming to the outside world and rage behind closed doors. They NEVER treat co-workers, supervisors, church family, or friends like they do to their wives and (maybe) children. It’s a “tale as old as time”.
The dementia makes them more irritable, less able to see “reason”, more angry and sensitive to being “bossed around” by their wives trying to get them to take their meds, eat, shower, get in the car for appointments, use your cane, etc, etc.
Please- if he starts with terrible accusations, raises a hand or closed fist to you, start quietly looking at assisted livings. Next time he goes into the hospital, have him go directly to the AL (although my husband was fully ambulatory, I paid for wheelchair transport to avoid any drama), to “recuperate”. His doctor told him he needed “extra support”.
My husband is SO much happier and healthier in AL. He loves the attention from the “girls” on staff, he takes his meals and meds willingly, he has made a group of guy friends. He asked a lot about coming home the first few weeks, I kept repeating the support phrase, he doesn’t ask now. He likes his easy chair, his TV, his little fridge with soda and water. He is doing so well with the structured environment of that setting.
I don’t bring him home or near our neighborhood. I take him to appointments and then we go to his favorite breakfast/lunch place afterwards. He loves the attention of the wait staff, then back to the AL, he’s tired, happy to go back to his chair.
Talk to your county Area Agency on Aging people, they’ll give you info as to how to manage the costs, an Elder Law attorney can help. If you have to use savings, or a reverse mortgage, or something else, do it. Living like this is beyond stressful and it will only get worse. I felt like the frog in the boiling water by the time I realized I had to do something to not be in the same house with him.