I too am in a similar “tough love” situation/dilemma, trying to decide if following through will help or hurt. I have a 40 yo who has a job, but only part-time. He depends on us for about 95% of his expenses. He has generalized anxiety and has talked of suicide, but without any plan. He refuses help, and it is desperately needed, because of alcohol involvement, as well. I would welcome any ideas, comments, suggestions from any of you. Is there a therapist in the house?
So-called “tough love” is neither, nor is it effective. An honest discussion of issues around money, personal responsibility, cooperation and successful communal living would likely be more effective, when moderated by a professional therapist.
You’re in a tricky situation. Professional guidance is critical to avoid exacerbating the problems.
@talbot Alanon is an adjunct 12-step program to Alcoholics Anonymous, attended by family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. I have not attended these meetings, but have heard that they can offer guidance on how to deal with/live with those affected by substance abuse.
Perhaps an honest conversation with your son regarding his employment situation, what might be keeping him from holding onto a job and how he can remedy that, will help you both. At some point we have to make a decision to "sink or swim", as much as it hurts us. I have known several people who decided to not carry their child financially, and that youngster needed that push to stand on their own two feet. I sincerely hope that the funds you are sending him are not cutting in to your own life, and ability to care for yourself [food and necessities]?
Ginger
Ginger, you are so right in recommending the Alanon program. Although it is primarily known for guidance in cases of alcohol/substance abuse, it is much more. It offers guidance in detaching from the problems of a loved one, not the loved one, whatever the problems may be. This would include adult children who for whatever reason do not stand on their own two feet. It is a philosophy to maintain your own mental health while still showing love.
This is a healthy path for anyone who struggles with the guilt of not helping a loved one (financially, or emotionally) and the knowledge that each of us must make our own way. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, I can attest to the value of the Alanon program. It not only helped me come to terms with my mother's alcoholism, but the philosophy has helped me maintain a healthy balance in every relationship I have. You do not have to go to the meetings if you do not wish to, as they have many books from which you can learn the philosophies.
Ginger, you are so right in recommending the Alanon program. Although it is primarily known for guidance in cases of alcohol/substance abuse, it is much more. It offers guidance in detaching from the problems of a loved one, not the loved one, whatever the problems may be. This would include adult children who for whatever reason do not stand on their own two feet. It is a philosophy to maintain your own mental health while still showing love.
This is a healthy path for anyone who struggles with the guilt of not helping a loved one (financially, or emotionally) and the knowledge that each of us must make our own way. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, I can attest to the value of the Alanon program. It not only helped me come to terms with my mother's alcoholism, but the philosophy has helped me maintain a healthy balance in every relationship I have. You do not have to go to the meetings if you do not wish to, as they have many books from which you can learn the philosophies.
@talbot
Oh, this is difficult, right?
Unfortunately I have some experience with this, albeit for something else.
But first; denying financial help to a child in this situation is not tough love; it's love.
Remember that you are 𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 if you continue sending money and more. That is not love although it may feel that way to you. It comes from your heart but your heart is also telling you that this is not okay.
If this was an okay situation you would be happy to give/loan him money.
The other side is fear: you may be afraid that not sending money will make him feel bad. In a way; sending money and more is the easy way to hush yourself. But then, your conscience acts up. Remember that if you continue to send him this kind of help he will hurt for much, much longer. The pain will last for a longer time. Better end this now and pull off the bandage so wounds can receive some healing light, in the shape of therapy for instance.
Your son needs to be independent.
Don't teach him to be dependent.
This sounds easy but is so, so difficult for both.
You will need to be very clear. And then stick to what you agree on.
The therapist is right: Stop ✍ Sending ✍ Money. You are only prolonging the pain.
Kudos for the love.
Now, work on the courage 😊
It's not easy. It is a job! It's reminding yourself why you do this Every ✍ Single ✍ Day.
You can do this though!!! 💪🏻
Ingegerd Enscoe, Alumni Mentor | @astaingegerdm | Oct 20, 2022
@talbot - it is good that your son has a therapist.
I know that it’s challenging for people with anxiety to get a job, unless one returns to a familiar position.
If your son doesn’t have an income to support him in addition to having anxiety could make him eligible for social services financial assistance. Depending on the state of course.
I agree that you should not continue to send money. He is 56 and you are 85. He has to take responsibility for himself at some point. What is he going to do when you are gone?
Question is also- can you afford this? Hope you don’t make any sacrifices for yourself.
I have crippling anxiety amongst other mental health issues and I receive SSDI (social security disability) due to me not being able to function normally. I am grateful to get that money although it isn't enough to live on where I live anyway. I struggle to pay my bills and that adds onto my anxiety but I always figure it out on my own in some way or another. My therapist told me it's ok to ask for help with a bill paid directly to the company but not to just ask for money or depend on anyone to rescue me financially as it's my responsibility to pay for my bills with every dollar I get from SDDI. As a person that struggles with the anxiety sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that you are responsible for your life no matter how hard it is or how much more anxiety it creates. If you are able maybe you could help him try to get disability or push him in the direction to do so for himself. Forms are online and it is difficult to get. They seem to always deny you the first time but stay persistent and if he qualifies he'll get it. I don't think you should be paying his way through life. Mom doesn't stand for ATM as my mom told me years ago. It's going to be rough on you to stop but it will be worth the rough patch to show him that he has to be accountable even if he does have crippling anxiety. Hugs to you. I hope that you find comfort knowing that you're only doing what's best for him by not allowing him to be irresponsible and dependant on you for his needs at this point in his life and yours.
I have crippling anxiety amongst other mental health issues and I receive SSDI (social security disability) due to me not being able to function normally. I am grateful to get that money although it isn't enough to live on where I live anyway. I struggle to pay my bills and that adds onto my anxiety but I always figure it out on my own in some way or another. My therapist told me it's ok to ask for help with a bill paid directly to the company but not to just ask for money or depend on anyone to rescue me financially as it's my responsibility to pay for my bills with every dollar I get from SDDI. As a person that struggles with the anxiety sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that you are responsible for your life no matter how hard it is or how much more anxiety it creates. If you are able maybe you could help him try to get disability or push him in the direction to do so for himself. Forms are online and it is difficult to get. They seem to always deny you the first time but stay persistent and if he qualifies he'll get it. I don't think you should be paying his way through life. Mom doesn't stand for ATM as my mom told me years ago. It's going to be rough on you to stop but it will be worth the rough patch to show him that he has to be accountable even if he does have crippling anxiety. Hugs to you. I hope that you find comfort knowing that you're only doing what's best for him by not allowing him to be irresponsible and dependant on you for his needs at this point in his life and yours.
I have GAD and Effexor XR is my miracle that gave me back a regular wonderful life! This is genetic and runs all through my family from Wales Esp. The Canadian and American offspring all suffer from it and we all are on Effexor! They are all who are on it, highly fu crooning very successful people. The ones who opted not to are suffer greatly. I’ve been on it 30 yrs and my family is very grateful esp! My husband!!!! It’s now generic! Take a look!!!!
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RE: My comments above regarding tough-love and GAD involving my son. Comments from anyone would be greatly appreciated!
So-called “tough love” is neither, nor is it effective. An honest discussion of issues around money, personal responsibility, cooperation and successful communal living would likely be more effective, when moderated by a professional therapist.
You’re in a tricky situation. Professional guidance is critical to avoid exacerbating the problems.
Ginger, you are so right in recommending the Alanon program. Although it is primarily known for guidance in cases of alcohol/substance abuse, it is much more. It offers guidance in detaching from the problems of a loved one, not the loved one, whatever the problems may be. This would include adult children who for whatever reason do not stand on their own two feet. It is a philosophy to maintain your own mental health while still showing love.
This is a healthy path for anyone who struggles with the guilt of not helping a loved one (financially, or emotionally) and the knowledge that each of us must make our own way. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, I can attest to the value of the Alanon program. It not only helped me come to terms with my mother's alcoholism, but the philosophy has helped me maintain a healthy balance in every relationship I have. You do not have to go to the meetings if you do not wish to, as they have many books from which you can learn the philosophies.
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2 ReactionsIt’s not the guilt felt but the pain I know he will have.The pain I will share.
I’ve been to Al-a non once and will attend again tonight. I know that love plus pain go together.
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1 Reaction@talbot
Oh, this is difficult, right?
Unfortunately I have some experience with this, albeit for something else.
But first; denying financial help to a child in this situation is not tough love; it's love.
Remember that you are 𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 if you continue sending money and more. That is not love although it may feel that way to you. It comes from your heart but your heart is also telling you that this is not okay.
If this was an okay situation you would be happy to give/loan him money.
The other side is fear: you may be afraid that not sending money will make him feel bad. In a way; sending money and more is the easy way to hush yourself. But then, your conscience acts up. Remember that if you continue to send him this kind of help he will hurt for much, much longer. The pain will last for a longer time. Better end this now and pull off the bandage so wounds can receive some healing light, in the shape of therapy for instance.
Your son needs to be independent.
Don't teach him to be dependent.
This sounds easy but is so, so difficult for both.
You will need to be very clear. And then stick to what you agree on.
The therapist is right: Stop ✍ Sending ✍ Money. You are only prolonging the pain.
Kudos for the love.
Now, work on the courage 😊
It's not easy. It is a job! It's reminding yourself why you do this Every ✍ Single ✍ Day.
You can do this though!!! 💪🏻
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@talbot - it is good that your son has a therapist.
I know that it’s challenging for people with anxiety to get a job, unless one returns to a familiar position.
If your son doesn’t have an income to support him in addition to having anxiety could make him eligible for social services financial assistance. Depending on the state of course.
I agree that you should not continue to send money. He is 56 and you are 85. He has to take responsibility for himself at some point. What is he going to do when you are gone?
Question is also- can you afford this? Hope you don’t make any sacrifices for yourself.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI agree!
I have crippling anxiety amongst other mental health issues and I receive SSDI (social security disability) due to me not being able to function normally. I am grateful to get that money although it isn't enough to live on where I live anyway. I struggle to pay my bills and that adds onto my anxiety but I always figure it out on my own in some way or another. My therapist told me it's ok to ask for help with a bill paid directly to the company but not to just ask for money or depend on anyone to rescue me financially as it's my responsibility to pay for my bills with every dollar I get from SDDI. As a person that struggles with the anxiety sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that you are responsible for your life no matter how hard it is or how much more anxiety it creates. If you are able maybe you could help him try to get disability or push him in the direction to do so for himself. Forms are online and it is difficult to get. They seem to always deny you the first time but stay persistent and if he qualifies he'll get it. I don't think you should be paying his way through life. Mom doesn't stand for ATM as my mom told me years ago. It's going to be rough on you to stop but it will be worth the rough patch to show him that he has to be accountable even if he does have crippling anxiety. Hugs to you. I hope that you find comfort knowing that you're only doing what's best for him by not allowing him to be irresponsible and dependant on you for his needs at this point in his life and yours.
I have GAD and Effexor XR is my miracle that gave me back a regular wonderful life! This is genetic and runs all through my family from Wales Esp. The Canadian and American offspring all suffer from it and we all are on Effexor! They are all who are on it, highly fu crooning very successful people. The ones who opted not to are suffer greatly. I’ve been on it 30 yrs and my family is very grateful esp! My husband!!!! It’s now generic! Take a look!!!!