Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
I have a picture of my husband and I taken on our 50th wedding anniversary. I always keep a vase of fresh flowers by the picture. It makes me feel good.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 ReactionsI lost my wife of 44 years on August 22 from Creutzfeldt Jakob. It's a very aggressive brain disease for which there is no cure. She was fine with no symptoms in early July, the around the middle of July began to experience confusion, unsteadiness, etc. It took some time for the final diagnosis, but she digressed very quickly. It was the most terrible thing to watch her pass away before my eyes, and no one could do anything for her. So, how am doing? Not that great. I think I'm still in denial.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI saved clothing and used the smell to comfort me. Eventually the smell fades and I knew life went on and time was moving on and I needed to move on.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI can empathize with you. It must be the most awful thing imaginable to watch your spouse dying in front of your eyes. Mine was opposite. My husband was not dying, and then he was dead. Yes, you are still in denial. How can it be? I think we will never know. My sympathy for your untimely loss.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI share your pain. My husband died in December after 59 years of marriage (we dated 6 years before that). He had a terrible ending which included an amputation on his leg below the knee. I wish I could have gone with him and am still struggling.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsMy husband and I were also married for 59 years. When you are with a person for such a long time, it is most of your life, and it is a struggle to realize he is not here anymore. I just had a birthday last week and turned 88. I really have no ambition to live anymore. All I do know is that I will not take my own life. But day to day living has no more meaning. We are told it will get better with time. But at 88 how much time do I have?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsWendy,
You were there with your husband.
I lost my wife in August 2023. She was here at home when she passed and I was with her. I might not of been hovering over top of her. God I miss her. Sorry for your loss. I hope you realize that you were there for your husband, otherwise I'm going to have something new to feel bad about.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 Reactions@wendytrg
I was with my mom all day on the day she passed. Many of my friends tell me that she refused to die because I was there and she didn't want me there at the end. When I came back from the bathroom, my mom had passed whether or not she passed because I wasn't there and that was her wishI'll never know but perhaps it so maybe it was the same way with your husband.
Jake
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 Reactions@thisismarilynb- You ask how much time you have. My question is what kind of time do you want? I lost my husband after 45 years and it's as if we grew up together. I was barely thirty when we became life partners, and now that's over. Our life was rich, not just in our love but in the things that we did together, the things that we talked about, things that we shared.
I am sorry for the pain that you feel and know it well. But since you are alive and want to hold on to your grief why don't you write about your life together? It doesn't matter what kind of writer you are and no one needs to see it, although that would be a shame. I believe that everyone's life has meaning and needs to be remembered, somehow.
Merry
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI found your comment "want to hold on to your grief" interesting. Is that the impression I am giving? I didn't think so. But I guess I will have to rethink this. Your description of your life with your husband sounds very much like mine. We were married longer. So does that make a difference? I did ask my therapist about this. She did say that when you are older when you lose your spouse your grief is worse. And that's the topic we were talking about because I asked her why I was not "getting over" my deep grief. I have heard a lot about journaling and someone even gave me a book. But I tried and it is not for me. My husband is and will be remembered by a lot of people. He was a teacher and had influence on many of his students - in a good way. Me not so much.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 Reactions