Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
Well, that’s my dilemma. Either I was deprived of sharing his last moment on earth with me, or I was spared the agony of watching him go. I go back and forth between the two. Maybe it’s just both and I need to move on.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI can only imagine, the gripping thought of that.
It was my greatest fear to have to witness that, his best friend did, and when he described to me, behind the glass of quarantine. What Stephen looked like and what his has last breath was like, Ray said he didn’t look like him, he was gray and lifeless. It was the most nauseating feeling I had, andI screamed out” Why did you leave me”
I had to grab ahold of myself.
The hoops and grievous things I had to go through, was what saved me from myself.
I couldn’t properly give him a service, his cold and calculating family was hideous to me.
I have not recovered from any of its
Caly girl
So sorry to hear this. My youngest son is giving me some grief about what I am planning. But you know what? I am driving the truck and it is going to go where I take it. That is my attitude. I also have a very good therapist who is helping me through all of this. If you have not tried therapy, I encourage you to do this.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsWhen I was informed that death was near I immediately knew that he was not going to die alone in some hospital bed. I made the request to bring him home. Although it was tough I believe he knew that he was in his own home and in his own bed. I was told that he knew I was by his side and I spoke to him. During the time there was no agony. I knew I was doing the right thing. It is looking back that is killing me. But I still think I did the right thing for him. Now I have to do the right thing for me and work on mitigating the hurt.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsDeath is messy and you should always remember that things went just as they should have ( because that’s the way things went -, there is no other way ). Shoulda, woulda, coulda. They are such a trapping. Acceptance & grace are a much more forgiving way - and forgiveness ( of the situation you were in and the choices you made ) makes air lighter, days brighter… you can feel the healing. When my husband passed at home ( cancer ) two of my sons joined me as we held hands with him saying a prayer - my daughter, who I had called saying it felt soon, rushed in just moments too late. Who had it the right way? It was all the way it was supposed to be as that is the way it happened. Everyone had to work thru either what they witnessed or what they failed to be present for - and that forgiving grace came …with time. I wish you well. I remind myself to try to enjoy my days as a way to honor his passing. You had to leave ( I tell him) but I am here and will honor my days as a gift to you as I know that’s what would bring you peace and joy on the other side. And slowly ( it’s been 6 years) I found that I was starting to “ live again” more fully, as a gift to myself as well.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
7 ReactionsI loved reading your words. Tomorrow would have been our 60th wedding anniversary. A friend and I are going out to lunch. She is also a widow. It so happens that on the anniversary of the first year of my husband's death it would have been her husband's birthday, so we will get together then also. It all helps. But you are so right, it happens because it was supposed to happen. Railing and ranting will not undo anything. I still have a lot of anger in me which I will have to work through. I do realize this hurts no one except me. My orthopedist wants me to have six more works of therapy so a lot more work to do there also. Hopefully as time goes by I also will start to "live again."
I do, I have a Therapist, I have Pastoral, counseling, I also have attended many sessions of Griefshare.
The grieving process is like peeling layers of an onion 🧅.
I have Good days and not so Good, when the reality hits me so hard in my heart 💜.
I am grateful, I had the love of my life.
The tough part of it all, is all the grief floods back to me after I loose a dear hero in my life.
I lost my grandfather at age 66, my dad at 67, my husband at 68, and most of the men in my life died in their sixties, and that alone had been overwhelming.
I am doing okay.
But… The” What could have been, might have been and , should have been, ended with this hideous Pandemic.
I am a big girl, and I cowboy up, really well. Blessings @84Calygirl
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI found this in a book. It is from a book of poetry entitled Two Worlds Exist.
The mystical teachings
do not erase sorrow.
They say, here is your life.
What will you do with it?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionMy husband died 16 years ago.I use to have pictures of him and I in the living room.Every time I look at the pictures I cry.The first years were the most horrible years of my life.One day I said to myself this has to stop.So I found the solution and I tooked all the pictures away,and wait and see it will help my pain.It did!!! Help me a lot!!Then little by little after few month I return the pictures one by one.And I look at them and only came to my mind the good memories.And stop crying.I hope it help somebody.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsHi, @yoamoadios1951 Nice idea! I bet it will help many folks! I, on the other hand, added photos around my home when my wife passed away. Just what I needed to do to still feel close to her but certainly not for everyone I'm sure.
As my grandmother used to tell me "that's why they make strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla ice cream. If everyone liked vanilla the world would be a very boring place." 🙂
Do others have hints and tips on things they have done to help them manage their grief?
Strength, Courage, & Peace