How can I help my husband face the possibility he may not survive?

Posted by sw54 @sw54, Jul 24, 2022

My husband was diagnosed with locally advanced/borderline resectable pancreatic cancer on April 11th. His oncologist recommended a chemo regimen aimed at shrinking the tumor so it can be removed with Whipple surgery; unfortunately, chemo treatments had to be postponed two months due to a number of complications related to the cancer. One of those complications is Cachexia (Wasting syndrome). He has lost over 20% of his normal body wait and has signs of muscle wasting, too. He has now had 3 chemo treatments and is not tolerating them well at all. He loses more weight and becomes weaker each time, and the oncologist hasn’t even started giving him the full dose of chemo drugs because he isn’t sure he can take it.
My intuition has been telling me all along that he is not going to survive this with any quality of life left, but haven’t been able to talk to him about it because until recently he has been convinced he can beat it and get to the 5-year mark. Lately, though, his suffering has caused him to realize he may not have much time left, but he still seems afraid to talk about it. If he mentions his mortality and I try to discuss it with him, he gets angry and shuts me down. I am afraid, too, and also filled grief for what I know is going to happen.
I realize he needs to process things in his own way and I want to provide the right kind of support at the right time. My hope is to help him make peace with death before it’s too late. Can someone help me with how to do that?

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@beachdog

@anto1nette @sw54
I am writing this from my wife's hospital room. Everyone's different. Everyone's journey is different. My wife and I are STUBBORN and are still in the fight. She is 3 years post diagnosis at stage 3/locally advanced. I won't rehash her treatments here but she is now stage 4 and has experienced wasting, diminished appetite due to ascites and intestinal blockage and ureter blockage from chemo scarring, but we are going to get through this. Our goal is to have the treatments and procedures here which should rebuild her appetite and strength so that she can resume chemo or targeted therapy treatment. Her oncologist might not support this, if he doesn't, we'll find another one. Do what you and your husbands feel right for you, but be prepared to change course and seek appropriate treatments to maintain strength and minimize pain.

Bless you all.

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Fat thumbs here. Husband stage 4. Still doing chemo. It’s the quality of life now. No appetite but not using a walker or wheelchair. Palliative care now with the chemo. But it’s ok at this point. Husband leads and I follow. Whatever makes him happy! No changing course here. Did the research.
It’s the quality of life. Not about ME.

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@anto1nette

Fat thumbs here. Husband stage 4. Still doing chemo. It’s the quality of life now. No appetite but not using a walker or wheelchair. Palliative care now with the chemo. But it’s ok at this point. Husband leads and I follow. Whatever makes him happy! No changing course here. Did the research.
It’s the quality of life. Not about ME.

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I know from my own experience that it can be tough for caregivers like my wife to stand back and give the patient some room to navigate. Best to you and your husband.

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