One Day Our Brains Will Just Be Normal Organs

My friend is 89 and in a tremendous amount of pain due to degeneration of her spine. She describes her day as spending most of it watching TV and she has less and less social interaction.
When her natural expiration date arrives, she feels she will have lived her life to her fullest and her house will be clean. Her legacy will be a positive one. She has no plans to commit suicide. She laments about living a long fulfilled life and now she is limited due to pain. She is ready to go.

In comparison, I'm 67 and recently, I'm spending most of my time watching TV and playing virtual Solitair--unable to concentrate on either one.
I have some physical pain due to degenerative joint disease & a bunch of other junk, but I've accepted that there is no treatment or meds to alleviate it. I can still do... I just don't--because the "pain" that is more debilitating is the crap that I have going on in my brain.
I am reverting to dread, excessive worry, cognitive dysfunction, losing things, forgetting things...Ad nauseum, and of course depression. All this crap is piling up and will contribute to me defaulting on responsibilities.
After searching, for over two weeks for my green bag filled with my records, I finally found it on my chair today. I had left it in my daughter's car. I had no clue.

I don't have any active distorted thoughts of killing myself. Spravato is helping do what it's supposed to do.

I called social services to find out if they had any services for me. She was kind. My impression is that she thought I was looking for a therapeutic Molly Maid.

I don't want to die when my expiration date comes up.
(Freudian slip)
I don't want my legacy to be that I was a slob. Whatever good I may have done will be dismissed because I lacked Good Housekeeping skills.
What I took away from my conversation with SS is that If I had broken bones, broken cognition, i.e Alzheimers, I could receive services.
I have a broken brain and apparently that does not count.
Lassitude = lazy.
The Spravato, I think, has reached its level of efficacy. I will not kill myself. So when people tell me: " Try harder." "Push through it." " You just can't give in."
Yep...most of my energy is focused on staying alive. "All" is an over-generalization.

Let's face it, I have Treatment Resistant Depression. My Awakening had a false positive.
On a positive note, though, my writing is not as deteriorated as I would expect.
It doesn't reflect the stream of consciousness mode, yet. The worst is not necessarily when my writing stops completely. Sometimes that indicates that my life is A-Ok. On the other hand, my writing may stop because I just can't think clearly anymore. The pharmaceuticals no longer work. I'm just going through the therapy sessions...automaticity...
muscle memory...
calendar reminders...
routine habits...

Mindfulness gone.
Hopelessness here.

When that happens, I will most likely be in a full-blown major depressive series--not just an episode--working on season 47.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this past Wednesday. I read him this entry. We've gone back to the drawing board. He told me there are a couple of new novel antidepressants right around the bend. He also revisited ECT. Been there, done that. No thank you.
In the meantime, we've increased the Desipramine by 25mg to 200mg. He also suggested that the next time he sees me, rather than wearing my T Shirt that reflects my irritabilty and inner "Grrrrrrrrr," that I treat myself to a new one with a smiley face...lol
Body mind spirit ☯️ ☮️🌻🎶

As for my friend...I told her I'll hang onto her as long as possible. I won't let her go because she says, "I'm so sick & tired of this pain! I'm ready to go."
I'll help her find resources that give her some relief for her pain. Then she can embrace her natural expiration date knowing she DID live a full and enriched life.

BTW...
The outside image of my T Shirt represents my insides.
It was clean yesterday, slept in it last night and will probably wear it through Sunday...or not.
I AM IRRITABLE!!!

Hi Shirley,
I am interested in your post. I am 76 years, with Major Depression Syndrome and a whole lot of other stuff. I couldn't sleep after a try with Melatonin and one with Mitzapine, I asked again. He said for me to see a psychiatrist, I had told him about having ADHD. I tried and there are none available probably in all of Texas (not seeing new patients). I did find an agency that referred me to a psychiatric nurse who talked to me for about an hour, I have a degree in Psychology and two in Counseling & Guidance. The nurse told me that I did not have ADHD! That it was anxiety along with my depression. I am positive that I have ADHD. I received a list of three websites for therapy. I have looked them have not decided yet. Then today, I received an e-mail from her inviting me to sign up for on-line classes, No decision yet from me. I take Cymbalta twice a day and my neurologist is trying to reduce me to once a day. That medication that you mentioned be an alternative for me. I am not suicidual but get into crying spells without medicines. I do watch TV and am on the computer a lot, I run two FB groups, read at least 100 books a year and review them. Cannot follow recipes any more. I lose my place. I don't do any of the housework. My hubby does it all because I don't come up to his standards. Don't drive anymore because of glaucoma and no depth perception. I use a walker for stability. But when I think I am near a curb I cannot tell if it goes down or is flat.

I think that you are more depressed than me. (Just guessing). I did buy a t-shirt that says "Be Kind:". I love it because people are nicer to me when I wear it.

Good morning. I am hanging in there. Last time I wrote I was really upset. My doctor and I went back to the drawing board.
I feel better. No ECT. Staying with Spravato--almost 0 suicidal thoughts and an increase in Desipramine seems to be a good combo. I laughed the other day. Actually snorted...lol
One among many problems is that while I communicate with my doctors and therapists, I'm in a safe environment.
Going out into the world is scarey. Especially when I've been filled with angst, dread, analysis paralysis so forth, my social skills have become rusty. Particularly with social media.
What really concerns me is face to face communication. Let's face it, for years I've had conversations in a clinical setting and with established, reciprocal friendships.

I'm concerned about making new friends. I am more guarded and protective of myself.
I'm a paradox: I'm a wanna be assertive, extroverted person. In reality, my doctor describes me as an introverted extrovert. I think that makes sense. Years ago, I was misdiagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, and then having a borderline personality disorder. As we plodded along, my doctor sorted out the niche-diagnosed boxes. He explained about people possessing traits, but not necessarily the "code" from the DSM ♾️.
So, as it stands, I have the codes assigned to me for •major depressive disorder/exacerbated by treatment resistant depression
•ADHD--ADD traits
•PTSD-- which some docs wanted to attach BPD--some traits
•Generalized anxiety.
In the past, one doc wanted to place me on the Autism Spectrum...traits.
Finally, a general practitioner told me I was schizophrenic. I was reevaluated at Duke. No!
When I gave the pcp my report of my evaluation, his response: " I was only kidding."

Bottom line! As I enter into my "new world" I feel archaic. I don't want to play the victim card or the age card. Unfortunately, I am experiencing unanticipated consequences of interacting in "life."
Once again, the troll/ shrew ( figuratively speaking) invaded a private discussion on Facebook. I had been advised, by law enforcement, to block them. She used an alias. I blocked her. I don't want to become paranoid--traits.

Another lady joined our group. With 2 meetings under her belt, she seemed to be enthusiastic and supportive of our projects.
One on one was another story. It was sincerely difficult for me to hear how much she loved me--platonically--and would protect me.
I called her bluff, I guess. I thought she was being sincere. At a meeting, we mentioned the death of Queen Elizabeth. I used that as a segue to introduce her as a changing of the guard. She was going to take the stressful weight off my shoulders and help bring a project to a successful conclusion.
She accused me of throwing her under the bus. She had forgotten that two hours earlier, she wanted to moderate/lead the meeting.
Bottom line: She professes to being an alcoholic.
I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

She loves me because we're both Pisces. I thought if I wrote to her, I could breech the crevice that is growing. The following is the letter I wrote. I doubt I'll send it.

Anyway, I would like advice on how to slowly acclimate into the world of humanity. The following is my draft. It will most likely remain in my journal. I'm not sure what I want to accomplish...
Here goes

Good morning. I realize you're in tune to astrology. I needed a refresher course.
I believe in possibilities.
Positivity leads to possibilities. I keep the pathways open. However, as I progress in life, I can get intimidated. If I feel uneasy or feel a threat of attack is coming on, I become defensive.
If I feel ignored, I put on my armor for strength so I can be resilient.
I am much more guarded then, Say 30 years ago.
I have an inclination to delete this. I'm going to trust you that we talk and do not nurture gossip.
You are a very strong, enthusiastic woman...my impression. Perspective is relative.
Advice given to me recently by a very wise woman: " Be brave. Put on my big girl panties. If a person has concerns or comments about me? Open my heart to listen to that specific person."

Years ago I learned the following: Gossip can be spread like the feathers from a slit pillow, feathers cast into the wind. No matter how one works at it, the feathers cannot be retrieved to become a whole and functional pillow again.
When a person wants or needs to talk to me, whether she was my mother, is a friend, or a fellow human being, I ask that the person talk to me...face to face...so nothing is lost in translation.
I don't appreciate hearing so & so's perception or problems of me from another's mouth.

Pisces Personality Traits: All the secrets you need to know - Times of India
https://m.timesofindia.com/astrology/zodiacs-astrology/pisces-personality-traits-all-the-secrets-you-need-to-know/amp_articleshow/84376664.cms
Back to Mayo Anxiety & Depression. I thought I could relate to her through astrology as a way to cut through the ice.

On the other hand, I'm opened minded that others believe in it. I don't sincerely buy into it. I don't want to be a hypocrit.

I'm writing to Mayo because I know I will receive feedback from the staff.
I want to be brave and hear feedback from those who have walked a mile in my shoes.
Right now, my meds are in balance & therapeutic.
I would like to address the other components of Body, Mind, Spirit.
Thank you for offering this resource. It's the closest thing available to group therapy.
Honestly, if I might disagree with what I read or not want to be wrong: help guide me. I'm not always right. I like feedback and sometimes it takes me longer to process it.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

I have been anbvastrologer forb40 years. I hear you loud and clear. I am a Virgo and have been diagnosed with idiopathic peripheral neuropathy. It has completely changed my life. I too am a extroverted-introvert. I am finding it difficult to be the person I was before this crippling illness. It is 24/7 ( except while asleep ) that I feel/think about the pain. In between that, I express myself about the world but I retreat rather quickly into being introverted and monitoring my pain level. I guess this is the way it will be from now on. It is a very strange and surprising way to live out the remainder of my life. I use Medical Marijuana that relives the pain some. I am on 1200mg of Gabapintin which I think might be helping some. I am hoping to keep with a positive attitude and avoid the downward spiral path.