How can I help my husband face the possibility he may not survive?

Posted by sw54 @sw54, Jul 24, 2022

My husband was diagnosed with locally advanced/borderline resectable pancreatic cancer on April 11th. His oncologist recommended a chemo regimen aimed at shrinking the tumor so it can be removed with Whipple surgery; unfortunately, chemo treatments had to be postponed two months due to a number of complications related to the cancer. One of those complications is Cachexia (Wasting syndrome). He has lost over 20% of his normal body wait and has signs of muscle wasting, too. He has now had 3 chemo treatments and is not tolerating them well at all. He loses more weight and becomes weaker each time, and the oncologist hasn’t even started giving him the full dose of chemo drugs because he isn’t sure he can take it.
My intuition has been telling me all along that he is not going to survive this with any quality of life left, but haven’t been able to talk to him about it because until recently he has been convinced he can beat it and get to the 5-year mark. Lately, though, his suffering has caused him to realize he may not have much time left, but he still seems afraid to talk about it. If he mentions his mortality and I try to discuss it with him, he gets angry and shuts me down. I am afraid, too, and also filled grief for what I know is going to happen.
I realize he needs to process things in his own way and I want to provide the right kind of support at the right time. My hope is to help him make peace with death before it’s too late. Can someone help me with how to do that?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Pancreatic Cancer Support Group.

woodlanddsm | @woodlanddsm | Aug 23, 2022

In reply to @thebobk "@woodlanddsm Book is now available. Best, https://www.amazon.com/One-Path-Among-Many-experiences-ebook/dp/B0BBD5ZVTG" + (show)

Thank you for the info and link. I am ordering your book today. Best of luck...

thebobk | @thebobk | Aug 23, 2022

In reply to @woodlanddsm "Thank you for the info and link. I am ordering your book today. Best of luck..." + (show)

@woodlanddsm Thanks for your support, I hope the book provides some helpful information for you and yours. Much appreciated if you would provide a review on the book site when you have the time - https://amzn.to/3dQtkZv Best,

woodlanddsm | @woodlanddsm | Aug 24, 2022

I'd be more than happy to do that. I'm a part of several cancer support groups and I will be sure to give them your information as well. Again, best of luck with both sales and positive reactions to your efforts!

thebobk | @thebobk | Aug 25, 2022

In reply to @woodlanddsm "I'd be more than happy to do that. I'm a part of several cancer support groups..." + (show)

@woodlanddsm Thanks for helping to spread the word, much appreciated

charliegolfrep | @charliegolfrep | Aug 25, 2022

Don't know that I can help and I seldom comment but in this case:
My wife just passed away after 7 years. She also had chemo (Gemzar), pre whipple surgery and post whipple.
After 3 years, the cancer metastisized on her lungs. During the last 4 years she had at different times, chemo, SBRT radiation. Before she died she said she was thankful for the seven years. It gave her time to prepare. At the end she was able to tell her children and 12 grand children goodbye.
Her faith grew stronger over the 7 years, she faced everyday, one day at a time, and had a positive additude until the end. Dyed at home, peacefully with me by her side.
PC does not have to be a 6 month death sentence !!!!! A positive outlook is a must.
Tell your husband to stay strong and enjoy each day as it comes.
Good luck and God Bless your husband and you. Being a caretaker is tough, but very rewarding in the end

anto1nette | @anto1nette | Aug 25, 2022

In reply to @sw54 "Thank you for your kind words. We’ve been married 26 years. We don’t have children together,..." + (show)

My husband also has pancreatic cancer. It’s in his lymph nodes also and was told at the Mayo that there will be no surgery. MAYBE he would qualify for a study. He still thinks he can have surgery. I say nothing. But he is losing weight and not eating protein. I’ve decided to let him lead the way. No more begging him to eat. He won’t use the oxygen. He won’t use the walker. So be it.

sw54 | @sw54 | Aug 26, 2022

In reply to @anto1nette "My husband also has pancreatic cancer. It’s in his lymph nodes also and was told at..." + (show)

I know how painful and difficult this is for you. I am doing exactly the same thing with my husband. Take good care of yourself. ❤️

anto1nette | @anto1nette | Aug 27, 2022

In reply to @sw54 "I know how painful and difficult this is for you. I am doing exactly the same..." + (show)

It’s ok. We all take our turn on this journey.

beachdog | @beachdog | Aug 31, 2022

@anto1nette @sw54
I am writing this from my wife's hospital room. Everyone's different. Everyone's journey is different. My wife and I are STUBBORN and are still in the fight. She is 3 years post diagnosis at stage 3/locally advanced. I won't rehash her treatments here but she is now stage 4 and has experienced wasting, diminished appetite due to ascites and intestinal blockage and ureter blockage from chemo scarring, but we are going to get through this. Our goal is to have the treatments and procedures here which should rebuild her appetite and strength so that she can resume chemo or targeted therapy treatment. Her oncologist might not support this, if he doesn't, we'll find another one. Do what you and your husbands feel right for you, but be prepared to change course and seek appropriate treatments to maintain strength and minimize pain.

Bless you all.