1. < Just Want to Talk

Lonely and Just want to talk with virtual friends here

Posted by EllAmster @ellamster, Jun 6, 2022

Due to 'life' I never had the opportunity to make friends. I hardly ever went out, am single, and feel desperately lonely. I can take care of myself and always have but have learned my caring skills weren't particularly good. They kept me alive but I have not lived.
No holidays, trips, bar, no beach or forest, nothing. And no friends to go out with or to simply have a chat.
I still work and I think my clients would be perplexed. They know me as a sunny and mischievous teacher who pulls their legs so they learn more, and trick them into doing things wrong to help understand it all even better. Little do they know. I am very alone and lonely. Being alone is not that big of a biggie: I know how to do that. But the loneliness is hollowing me out.
I wondered about making friends. I never had friends, I feel very awkward about friendship. I miss the person I am with clients in my daily life. I really would like someone to chat with. It would be so nice to even fall in love. To feel I am being loved. I never had that. It's so strange to realise so many are loved; is it normal to be loved, to find someone who loves you? Or is it the golden shine of being lucky and blessed enough to find this?

It would do me a lot of good to find people to chat with. Video for instance would be nice to get to know people. To chat, have a virtual cup of tea, or a real one of course! And to not be too ashamed of myself to hide behind the smiles and fun but to open up and maybe one day even be accepted.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

EllAmster | @ellamster | Jul 30, 2022
In reply to @adr "Talking about feelings is a good way to start. Even the simple act of writing them..." + (show)
@adr

Talking about feelings is a good way to start. Even the simple act of writing them in a journal will help. It helps to release all the bottled up things that we carry in ourselves. My favorite thing to do is a gratitude journal.
I write something I am grateful for. Sometimes it's my cup of coffee, or the cool breeze on a hot day. Simple things I used to take for granted.

As someone mentioned, Churches. They have groups where you can meet people. As are libraries and senior centers. Some of these are in person, some are virtual. You can find a lot of resources on line. Virtual travel is fun and there is so much to learn about the world around us. It's where one can connect with people from All over.

All the best.

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Thank you and @mikaylar too.
Finding groups might be a good thing to do, especially the virtual ones. I do find myself at a point in my life where I have to continue, very robot-like, to get some things sorted out. I am not ready to commit to a group but virtual might be fun.

REPLY
adr | @adr | Jul 30, 2022
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hello @ellamster @mikaylar and others, I understand your feelings of loneliness and just wanted to chime..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hello @ellamster @mikaylar and others, I understand your feelings of loneliness and just wanted to chime in with something that helps me since I lost my wife to brain cancer.

I keep a "To Do List" on my counter/desk at all times. The vast majority of the items on this list are small and to most might seem insignificant, but when I suddenly found myself all alone after almost 15 years of caregiving, I needed something to help me fight my feelings of loneliness and decided what I needed was something to look forward to each day -- especially "tomorrow" so I started my list. It has things like write a card to X, call Y, clean third draw in my dresser, email a friend I'd lost touch with, find a new book to read sometime, etc.

I also told myself I wouldn't ever mark off an item without adding one to the bottom of the list.

Slowly I found I was challenging myself more with my "to do's" by including things that stretched me more like finding a long-lost friend via the internet, learning to make one of my grandmother's old Czech recipes, and others.

Perhaps not for everyone, but it was something I found that really fought my loneliness and I still continue.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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Hi there, this is good stuff. I see some very powerful words in there such as "I decided". "I made a plan". "I was challenging.". Sometimes we need to be creative with our time. It's precious.

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1 reply
mikaylar | @mikaylar | Jul 30, 2022

Church might make you feel more comfortable if you can find one that fits your needs.

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brandysparks | @brandysparks | Jul 30, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "It is 6:00 AM where I live. What a revelation reading about this. And here I..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

It is 6:00 AM where I live. What a revelation reading about this. And here I thought I was the onl person who was lonely and alone. I have always had trouble making friends. I didn't know why but I figured out it was me. To know that there is something wrong with you is disheartening. I thought I would never marry, but I was fortunate to meet the love of my life and we married and had two sons. Unfortunately he recently passed away and shortly after that happened I had to go through a complete hip replacement. Living in our house is quiet and lonely. Even using up the last tube of his favorite toothpaste causes me to cry. I have started therapy. Only two sessions so far so don't know if it will help or not. What would have been our 60th anniversary is coming up. I do not look forward to that day. I stay at home most of the time because of COVID and also because I just cannot face interacting with people. My therapist is a very nice person. I hope I am not expecting too much from her. In addition I am already an octogenarian so I don't know how much time I have left. I am in relatively good health except for the hip, so who knows. But this is not living - it is just existing. I do check in here from time to time because I enjoy "meeting" all of you on the internet.

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You sound so ... young!! You must be young at heart, and I can relate to every emotional part of your post.

If it can be in any way encouraging, I find a similar soul in your tone and hopes. I am in my first "Medicare Year", so that tells you how old/young I am.

But for now, I just wanted to endorse your feelings, share my condolences, and yet be so glad that you found the "love of your life" at so young an age...I just finally met mine 8-1/2 years ago, and we are feeling so fortunate to have met, and to be together at this later phase of our lives (he is 9 years older, so our time is likely limited too)...

It is also so hopeful that you have a therapist that already seems to be a bright spot in your life - as that isn't always easy, if ever possible.

I look forward to your next post, maybe after another hopeful, helpful visit with your therapist. Good for you for going, and for being you. . . somehow I feel you're going to be able to share your warmth eventually with others, who will appreciate your wisdom.

Warm wishes.

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Jul 30, 2022

Thank you for your warm and friendly words. Yesterday was bad. It would have been our 60th wedding anniversary. We were together for the 59th and yet here we are. We learn too late to treasure the moments we have together as it seems as though they will go on forever. I have just finished making the arrangements for his funeral. It is not a big elaborate affair. He would not have liked that. He was a Korean War veteran and he will be buried at Riverside National Cemetery with the other veterans. It was his wish and I will honor it.

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Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jul 30, 2022
In reply to @adr "Hi there, this is good stuff. I see some very powerful words in there such as..." + (show)
@adr

Hi there, this is good stuff. I see some very powerful words in there such as "I decided". "I made a plan". "I was challenging.". Sometimes we need to be creative with our time. It's precious.

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Thanks for the kind words, @adr

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volpinab | @volpinab | Jul 31, 2022

Your candour is very moving.
And you are brave to dig in.
I can relate to your feelings of
Being lonely while you present as perfectly "ok."
I would enjoy a conversation with you if you are up for it.
Susan

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SusanEllen66 | @SusanEllen66 | Jul 31, 2022
In reply to @ellamster "Thank you very much. It's good that this helps you! What a clever plan. And how..." + (show)
@ellamster

Thank you very much.
It's good that this helps you! What a clever plan.

And how sad to have lost your wife. I so understand the having to do something 'tomorrow'. It adds some energy, right?
As a child I told myself to find something to look forward to every night or else I would die because I was so depressed and bullied. It turned me into The Great Anticipator!

The Czech recipe: I am very curious.

It's not as if I am actively feeling lonely all the time; I keep busy with work, checking client work and so on, taking care of my little household (cats and I). This helps me not think about it. It's the times when it sinks in that again: no one called, for instance. Although I must say I am now completely used to it. It's not something I now still actively feel bad about, it's more the fact of it all that makes me sad. Maybe from all this realising how lonely I am will sprout a new person who thinks 'loneliness is just in my head'. I am rather awkward with others though, not used to a lot of socialising. I tend to really be myself. If someone asks me something I answer with the truth, or simply don't answer. If I ask "Hey, how are you doing?" I really do expect people to elaborate if I am on a friendly basis with them 😊😊😊

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I have never had close friends. Although I have been married, divorced and have children I have never formed deep friendship with anyone.
A close friendship with someone is too stressful for me. I just can’t handle that kind of commitment.
Every once in a while I make an attempt to get to know a neighbor or church member and when I realize what I am doing I panic! I want to run and hide. Too much!
Anyway, that’s my story. I now live alone and am very happy indeed. I’ve taken up art. I’m terrible but who cares!

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1 reply
ann16 | @ann16 | Aug 1, 2022

I just finished reading a novel which I enjoyed (The Boardwalk Bookshop by Susan Mallery, published 2022) which deals with some of the issues we are discussing here. I found it helpful to read how these characters dealt with the emotional wounds in their lives.

Today please be gentle with yourself; be kind and supportive. Use positive affirmations to support your efforts to heal yourself. If you have a garden, pick a bouquet to enjoy indoors. Beauty is nurturing. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Sending positive endorphins through your body is necessary for good health!!

The Bible says "A merry heart does good like a medicine." But without unwanted side effects!!
You are worth it!!

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1 reply
EllAmster | @ellamster | Aug 1, 2022
In reply to @SusanEllen66 "I have never had close friends. Although I have been married, divorced and have children I..." + (show)
@SusanEllen66

I have never had close friends. Although I have been married, divorced and have children I have never formed deep friendship with anyone.
A close friendship with someone is too stressful for me. I just can’t handle that kind of commitment.
Every once in a while I make an attempt to get to know a neighbor or church member and when I realize what I am doing I panic! I want to run and hide. Too much!
Anyway, that’s my story. I now live alone and am very happy indeed. I’ve taken up art. I’m terrible but who cares!

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This is okay I suppose; if you're not comfortable with people then this is for you! if you don't feel lonely about it that's good. The big difference is between 'alone' and 'lonely' where 'lonely' is this saddening, gripping feeling of not having anyone who really cares. At least that's it for me.

My mother may be similar to what you describe: I asked her when I was young if she had any friends she could share everything with. She said 'no'. Because that was not how she was: she didn't feel the need to share. She enjoys, or should I say 'enjoyed' (this now makes me sad) to be with groups of friends who had something in common; they would go to a museum or get lunch, all together. Most of them are now gone though.

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